


monsters and dark corners (the fragility of hope)

by BloodstainedBlonde



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: F/M, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Instability, Schizophrenia, and art~, etc etc - Freeform, it's got fluff too, tws for the obvious
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-13
Updated: 2015-01-11
Packaged: 2018-01-19 05:11:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 24
Words: 58,667
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1456720
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BloodstainedBlonde/pseuds/BloodstainedBlonde
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Schizophrenia. </p><p>For eleven year old Gavin, it came in the form of imaginary friends going wrong, of whispers in the dark, of nightmares unrivaled by any others his age, of talking less and crying more. </p><p>For twelve year old Gavin, it came in the form of bullying, of being teased over the imaginary friends that weren’t quite his friends anymore, his attempts to get rid of them which led to the onslaught of hallucinations and the terrifying realisation that he wasn’t in control.</p><p>For thirteen year old Gavin, it came in the form of severe paranoia, of never ending hallucinations; of life threatening exhaustion because succumbing to sleep was impossible. It came in the form of a mental asylum, of testing medication that finally worked and the portion of his life spent recovering and trying to move on.</p><p>For twenty five year old Gavin, it came in the form of failing medication, the threat of being deported, and the life he’d worked so hard to build up beginning to crash down on top of him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. mirror, mirror, on the wall

**Author's Note:**

> ooookay. so I've been working on this for a little while (see: fucking forever) and it's just one of those things that's just impossible. but not. yeah?  
> i'm not even entirely 100% about putting this out there so I'll see how it goes, because it's going to have some heavy stuff in it. 
> 
> read & review, yo

Gavin woke up gasping, heart jammed in his chest, breath catching and starting unevenly. He realised he was crying; loud, painful sobs that tore from his throat and shattered the silence around him. He tried his best to calm down but to little avail, so he placed both hands over his mouth to forcefully muffle himself instead.

Hot tears wet his hands as he wiggled his way out from under the covers, ignoring the tightening in his chest that was a horrible mixture of panic and fear. Part of his mind was trying to reassure him, explain that it was just a dream, it didn’t mean anything, but he couldn’t shake the feeling of terror that had settled into his bones.

The door had been open.

That’s all he could think, and while it seemed like insanity he understood it completely. The door had been open, and there hadn’t been anything inside.

He blinked rapidly as he stared around the dark room, finding nothing. His breathing didn’t even out, nor did his heart stop thrumming as he took hesitant steps towards his bedroom door.

He hunched in on himself as he pulled it open and moved towards the nearby bathroom, eyes wide and darting constantly. The paranoia was seeping in, terror and panic ruling him body and mind as he pushed the door shut behind him and turned the light on.

Breathing in hard, trying to draw oxygen to his panicking body, he moved shakily towards the mirror. He stumbled the last few steps, grabbing and holding tight to the corner of the sink for support. He stared hard at his reflection. It was normal, matching perfectly to his every movement, but he wasn’t sure how long it would last.

Even as he watched, small distortions – his eyes flickering, the split second flash of a shadow in the mirror– were starting, the tell-tale giveaways of what he knew was coming. With a heavy swallow he tore his gaze away and took a step back, as if that could stop it.

As if anything he did could stop it.

His heart felt like it would beat out of his chest and the hair on the back of his neck prickled, his entire body screaming at him that something was there, things were there, there was something bad bad bad and evil was right _there_ but there wasn’t, he _knew_ there wasn’t but-

A bang to the left of him, another noise just out of sight and he span regardless, hoping (for some reason) he could catch a glimpse of it, but there was nothing.

He heard a noise and realised it was his, a terrified whine being pulled from within him as he put his hands to the side of his head and collapsed down onto his knees. He heard systematic thumping on the door, on the walls, in his head, and he squeezed his eyes tightly shut and tried to ignore it but the sound burned its way through his weak defences and into his brain.

_You can’t hide._

He couldn’t help the whimper that escaped, the half sob that tore out of his throat by the hallucination in his mind.

_So long… missed this…_

‘Stop,’ Gavin pleaded. His voice echoed off the floor in front of him, louder than he intended and equally terrifying in its reality.

_Missed **you**._

He keened, voice lost to the fear constricting his body.

Suddenly, he could feel something next to him, a black void pulling his energy, so close to Gavin he couldn’t help but start. He felt a hand settle on his shoulder, icy tendrils snaking their way down his spine and seeping into his body. He whimpered, huddling into as tiny a ball as possible.

And the hand clamped down hard.

Gavin flew up with a yell, spinning around as his barely-there survival instincts kicked in, and he came face to face with Geoff.

‘Gavin, woah! Are you alright, buddy?’ Geoff asked, concern lacing his tone as he barely avoiding Gavin’s flailing hands. Gavin blinked up at him, lost, before he did a quick spin of the bathroom to confirm what he’d hoped.

It was gone.

‘Gavin?’ he heard Geoff ask again, and he replaced the hand on his shoulder from where it had been thrown off. He squeezed gently, soothingly.

‘I, uh- Yeah,’ Gavin stuttered, peering past Geoff to make sure it wasn’t hidden away in his shadows.

‘What’s wrong? I was thumping on the door for like five minutes!’ Geoff asked, eyebrows furrowed as he checked over his shoulder. Gavin felt the ridiculous urge to stop him, as if anyone else could see the things in his head.

‘N-nothing,’ Gavin managed, and realised a second later just how weak it sounded. But he knew if he spoke again his voice would break and he didn’t think he could handle it.

Geoff frowned at him again, ‘Yeah?’

A few moments passed as Gavin struggled to compose himself, and when he spoke again his voice only contained a slight tremble. ‘Yeah. Fine as rain.’ Gavin refused to look at him.

‘It’s right as rain, but okay,’ Geoff decided not to push it, fatherly concern losing the battle against deciding not to push the boy any further out of his comfort zone. ‘You just… woke us up.’ he said, one last sly jab to get some information, but Gavin just nodded.

‘Yeah,’ he said again. ‘I’ll go to sleep again. Goodnight, Geoffrey.’

Geoff frowned. ‘G’night, buddy. Sleep well.’

Gavin barely resisted the urge to laugh. ‘Yeah,’ he simply said once more.

Geoff clapped him on the back and opened the door, giving him one last concerned look before stepping out and closing the door behind him. When he was sure Geoff was gone, the footsteps in the hallway completely faded, Gavin spun and rushed to the mirror, staring at himself.

Nothing happened.

Gavin kept staring.

Nothing kept happening.

Ultimately still afraid and hovering on the jagged edge, Gavin tentatively pulled back, eyes alert for any signs of anything… different. After a few more tense minutes he finally allowed himself to relax, stepping back and wiping his watery eyes.

‘Nothing happened,’ he told himself, turning to face the empty bathroom and its flickering light. ‘Just imagining things. It doesn’t mean anything.’

His eyes darted around the room once more before he exited, making his way down the hall and to the comfort of his bedroom, never letting his guard down.

It wasn’t until he was in bed, under all his covers and curled into a ball that he let himself acknowledge it. He pictured his friends, his family, pictured Michael, pretended he could feel their warmth around him, comforting and soothing and everything he needed.

‘Just a bad dream,’ he whispered to himself, but in his stomach he felt the first seeds of doubt take root.


	2. who's the craziest of them all?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> damn, the feedback I got was phenomenal holy shit  
> so I'm continuing this, and I've figured out a build to it.  
> slow, but it will pick up pace.  
> thank you all to fuck for the inspiration and motivation!
> 
> read & review, yo

‘Yo,’ Geoff greeted smoothly, glancing up as Gavin entered the room. His eyes hovered for a second on the slight bags under his eyes, but he made no comment.

‘Ello,’ Gavin greeted back, grin on his lips as he leaned over the table. ‘Oh, man, what’s cookin’?’

Geoff snorted. ‘Get your massive beak out of it, it’s pancakes.’

‘I’m hungry as dicks, dude,’ Gavin proclaimed, loading his plate up. He hummed as he poured maple syrup over it, stomach rumbling. ‘A _dollop_ of maple syrup and a dusting of icing sugar,’ he finished, shaking possibly half the container onto his plate.

‘Calling that dusting is very brave of you,’ Geoff commented dryly.

‘I assume since they’re so delicious that Griffo-’

‘Geoff made them?’ said man interrupted, shit eating grin on his face. ‘You’re damn right I did. Griffon helped, though.’

‘Oh?’ Gavin questioned, reaching down to fork a bite. He froze when movement caught his eye, staring down at his plate in apprehension. Geoff began to respond but Gavin zoned out, eyes trained on the plate beneath him as his heart started to race.

More movement. Pulsing.

His food was _pulsing._

His heart rate continued to pick up as he stared, watching it twist and _writhe-_

He snapped back to reality with a start, realising Geoff was still speaking. Beneath him, his plate was still, food as fine as it was before, no signs of movement visible.

‘- if you count adding extra sugar when I wasn’t looking as helping.’

_A trick of the light a trick of the light a trick of the goddamn **light-**_

Geoff’s easy going talk faded when he saw Gavin push his chair away, nearly knocking his chair over as he hurriedly stood. ‘Gavin?’ he asked, frowning. Gavin glanced up at him as if he was surprised he was still there.

‘I’m not actually that hungry.’ Gavin laughed, but it came out strained. ‘I, um- Jeez, I’m a dope, aren’t I?’

‘You’re not hungry at all?’ Geoff repeated, doubt obvious in his voice. ‘But you just loaded your fucking plate!’

Gavin brushed away his concerns. ‘Must not have been thinking.’

Geoff stood up in concern. ‘Is this to do with last night?’ he questioned softly, eyes picking up on Gavin’s every move.

Gavin shook his head. ‘No- that wasn’t anything.’

‘Wasn’t anything? You were crouching on the bathroom floor looking like you were about to be executed!’

‘I had a nightmare, it was nothing,’ Gavin defended, stepping back and moving away from the table. He tried his best to give Geoff a convincing smile but didn’t quite manage to pull it off.

Geoff sighed as Gavin moved away. ‘It’s not like I care, anyway.’

Gavin frowned. ‘Alright,’ he said, shrugging. He went to move out of the room but stopped when Geoff spoke again.

‘It’s not like anyone cares about you, really.’

Gavin froze. ‘Geoffrey?’

Geoff frowned and spoke again, but the words didn’t match up with his lips.              

Jesus, Gavin had to get out of here. This wasn’t real, this was just a bad dream. He’d wake up. He’d wake up soon, and he’d be fine. It wasn’t real.

 _Not real._ He forced his dizzy head to focus, to look at Geoff who was moving towards him in concern.

‘-alright? Gavin?’

Gavin shook his head hard. ‘I… What? I’m fine.’

‘You looked like you-‘

 ‘I’m fine, Geoffrey. I just… got distracted,’ Gavin excused, tacking a forced laugh onto the end for emphasis. He made a show of glancing at the time. ‘Bugger, we better get going.’

‘You should at least eat-’

‘I’m fine! Actually, I better brush my teeth and start getting ready if we want to get there on time.’ Gavin interrupted. He exited from the room perhaps a little faster than necessary.

Geoff stared after him. But instead of pushing it or asking about last night, he ignored the way his stomach churned with the first bursts of confusion and started getting ready to leave.

\---

‘Gavin smeels,’ Ray whispered, staring at the zoned out Brit. Michael pushed him aside and got right up close, still failing to get any reaction. ‘Gavin wears ladies underwear.’

‘Gavin likes huge dongs,’ Michael inserted.

‘Gavin jerks off to smelly old men with big dangly-’

‘Jesus!’ Gavin cried as he zoned into reality, jerking back from Ray’s face where it remained hovering inches in front of his. Ray pulled back in turn, his own degree of startled at the reaction he’d received.

‘Damn, Vav, if I’d known you were gunna have a heart attack I wouldn’t have woken you up,’ he said, collapsing back into his chair and rolling away. ‘Good morning, by the way, and you’re welcome.’

‘What were you saying about me liking huge-’

‘Good morning!’ Ray cried again, putting his headset on and effectively ending all communication. Gavin shook his head and turned to Michael, who was still standing there observing the transaction with an amused smile on his face.

‘Did you have a nice dream?’ Michael asked, raising an eyebrow at him.

Gavin rubbed at his eyes. ‘Wha?’

‘Of me. In like, a tight muscle shirt and jeans, all sweaty and hot and-’

‘No!’ Gavin interrupted, looking mortified.

‘He’s overly defensive, he’s lying!’ Ray interjected.

Gavin shook his head and gave a small laugh. ‘No, but really, was just dozin’ off a bit.’

‘Havin’ a bit of a snooze?’ Michael asked, voice pitched high in a weak impersonation of Gavin. The laugh that he received was real this time.

‘That’s it, lad,’ he replied, a smile on his face. ‘What’s the time?’

Michael gave him a weird look. ‘Lunch. Which is why I woke you up.’

‘Oh,’ Gavin said, his voice smaller.

‘Idiot,’ Michael chastised, and offered a hand to help him up. Gavin took it and followed Michael out into the kitchen. ‘You hungry?’ Michael asked, rummaging through the array of food the fridge offered. Gavin rubbed a hand at his eyes.

‘Uh…’ was as far as he got before Michael rolled his eyes and pulled out some mayo and corn beef and promptly threw together a sandwich, thrusting it under Gavin’s nose.

Michael raised a delicate eyebrow. ‘C’mon. Eat the fuck up. I spent effort on this shit.’

Gavin accepted the offered sandwich with reluctance, but after holding it in his hands as if he was weighing it for a few moments he took a bite. And another. And another. Soon the whole thing was gone.

‘Jesus.’ Michael laughed. ‘Fuck, do you want mine too?’ When Gavin gave him a hopeful look he backed away. ‘Fuck no!’ he cried, ‘I made this for me!’

But Gavin’s puppy dog eyes and extended lower lip made Michael give in with a clenched jaw and narrowed eyes, beginning to make himself a new one as he complained under his breath.

‘ _Ank ‘oo,’_ Gavin mumbled.

‘Yeah, no problem, asshole. It’s not happening again.’

Gavin just gave him a cheeky smile, his sparkling eyes and flushed cheeks showing that he felt better than he had all day.

‘Asshole,’ Michael repeated, but when Gavin grinned at him he couldn’t help but smile back. It was worth it. Gavin had been far too quiet all day, and Michael wouldn’t stand for it. ‘Come on, let’s go see where the fuck Ray’s at.’

Gavin agreed immediately, allowing Michael to yank him down off the bench. When he hit the ground awkwardly he let out a whine, looking up at Michael with big doe eyes.

‘Owww,’ he complained, staring down at the offended ankle. Michael just rolled his eyes and started moving off, stopping in front of the doorway and clearing his throat obnoxiously when Gavin didn’t follow. ‘It hurt,’ Gavin said, re-rolling down his jeans from where he’d pulled them up. ‘Not all of us are bloody Iron Ryan-’

He froze, staring past Michael at the black shadow in the doorway that hadn’t been there two seconds ago. Michael frowned at him, starting to get annoyed. ‘Are you fucking coming or not?’ he demanded, putting a hand on his hip.

Gavin tore his gaze away when the hallucination dissipated, finding himself short of words as the hope that this was a dream or a one off began to suddenly drain away.

‘I, um,’ he managed, ‘Sorry,’ he said, and it sounded like he was choking. He forced his breathing to regulate and offered a tight smile, saying ‘I… let’s go.’ he said, and moved past Michael, all thoughts of his ankle pushed aside.

Michael just raised an eyebrow, dismissing it, but the look he’d seen in Gavin’s eyes stayed in the back of his mind all day.

He’d looked terrified.


	3. must be the boy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hot damn chapter 3  
> (i didn't read over it before posting cos i'm late for shit so any major mistakes hmu I'll proofread later)  
> enjoy!
> 
> read & review, yo

Gavin didn’t sleep much that night, but he got a lot of thinking done.

He got a lot of crying done, too.

Gavin didn’t cry much, but he felt it was, well, justified. Very justified. It wasn’t everyday part of your mind woke up from whatever dark corner it had been sleeping in and decided to start destroying itself again.

It wasn’t every day you relapsed, and started to see things you’d thought you’d destroyed with years of therapy and even more of treatment.

He’d hoped he’d destroyed it, yes- And was it really such a ridiculous notion, when it had been gone all these years? When he hadn’t seen it since…

Well, a long time ago.

He realised he was still doing it, his protective measures still in place despite the fact that now they meant nothing. He was still trying to push that part of his childhood into the dark recesses of his memory where he hoped he’d never be able to access it, and by extension, never remember.

But he didn’t need to remember. Not if he was living it again.

He was schizophrenic.

He saw things. Heard things. _Felt_ things.

Things that had haunted him in childhood, plagued every dark corner and filled every shadow until he hadn’t been able to sleep at night - to sleep at all. It had gone on for months, _months,_ until his insomnia mixed with the fear and hallucinations had caused a psychotic breakdown.

It was one of many, but it had been the first his parents had been privy to.

He vaguely recalled smashing the bathroom mirror, throwing furniture across the room that had really been too heavy for him to lift, screaming loud enough to tear his vocal cords and after he did, still trying to use his broken voice anyway, begging the things in his head to just _leave him alone_.

And they did. After months of therapy, hundreds of different types of medication and a suicide attempt, they did.

They said it was the medication that worked. Some unpronounceable testing drug that worked in line with two others, one of them a mild sedative, to supposedly destroy the part of his brain conjuring up the horrific hallucinations.

They said it was the therapy that worked. Some ridiculously overpriced asshole who had raised an eyebrow at him in disbelief more times than he could count and prescribed shock therapy, something entirely illegal for children, which only served to worsen his paranoia and constant hallucinations.

They said it was the doctors that worked. Some incredible doctors and nurses at the asylum that had never given up or questioned whether Gavin could be helped, which he’d heard them doubting many times, who had persevered until the young troubled boy was saved. 

They’d never said it was his own mind that worked. They’d never said that it was his brain protecting itself against itself as it created a dark room in a locked cell, much like his own, with a thousand inch impenetrable steel door because he knew by now he couldn’t destroy his schizophrenia or the hallucinations that came with it, no, so his brain did it what humans do best or die – it adapted, and created the second next best thing, and it hid the hallucinations and his schizophrenia away for a long, long time.

And they’d never told him what to do if it came back. If the medication he’d dutifully taken every day for the past twelve fucking _years_ stopped working, and the therapy was rendered useless because it was for recovery and he had no reason for this recession, except…

He’d poked the wall.

It had been a brief thought, a flitting wonder that had passed through one of the many tracks of his brain and back out faster than he could register. But it had taken root deep in his mind, down in his subconscious, and just before he’d fallen asleep he’d wondered if it was _really gone_.

And it was showing it wasn’t. It had trapped him inside a dream and shown him the broken steel door, ripped off its hinges, the darkness inside reaching out to drag him in and lock him there like he had done to it. He felt like he’d barely awoken from the nightmare, barely escaped, and when he’d stumbled blindly to the bathroom and discovered it had followed him to the waking world, he’d nearly broken down.

All the half-hearted self-reassurances and hiding under the covers in the world couldn’t help him with this.

He had thought he’d destroyed it. But he hadn’t actually believed it. So it hadn't gone away. It had lain in wait for years, just waiting for the curiosity in his betraying mind to poke the wall and unlock that first lock for it, and it did the rest itself.

It was back. His schizophrenia, his hallucinations, it was all back. He knew it, deep down, and the truth of it rang in his soul and destroyed any flames of hope he could have kindled.

‘It’s back,’ he whispered, and in the otherwise silent room it rang.

Half the problem was the paranoia of being the unknowing, having no idea when it would choose to make itself known and _how_. He hadn’t expected it today- Hell, he hadn’t expected it at all, but seeing it today was downright terrifying.

Aside from the incident with his breakfast this morning, aside from the nightmare, when he'd seen it after lunch... he couldn't convince himself he was imagining it. It had disappeared a second later but he’d known it was _there_ , he’d seen its black presence before it disappeared, and it had been watching.

His nose started to bleed.

Shivers coursed through him, terror making his blood run cold. Why did this have to happen to him? It had been twelve years. Twelve _years_ and he hadn’t had an inkling and the word schizophrenia stopped making his heart race as he feared that somehow everybody knew.

Why did it have to come back now?

He thought of the other night, the brief thought that had flitted across his brain, the one that had wondered, just for a tiny millisecond, whether his schizophrenia was really gone. The thought that was followed by the nightmare that showed him the answer, that showed him the destroyed door and what was beyond it.

He thought of it, and he hated himself. He hated himself with a passion, but he pushed it aside with a whimper that made the snoring from the room over stop.

No, he couldn’t wake them. They couldn’t know. He couldn’t risk everything for this.

He cried himself to sleep with the first painful aches of despair.


	4. with voices in his head

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GUYS GUYS GUYS  
> spontaneoushuman MADE ART FOR THIS STORY  
> it's amazing and you should check it out!
> 
> (http://spontaneoushuman.tumblr.com/post/84713195083/so-one-of-my-favorite-authors-started-writing-a)
> 
> i'm so excited, shout out to everyone reading this!
> 
> read & review, yo

‘Did you get any sleep last night?’ Geoff asked him, staring at the red rims surrounding his tired eyes. Gavin laughed before covering his mouth, looking surprised. He uncovered it and cleared his throat.

‘Uh, a bit,’ he said, but his voice cracked.

Geoff narrowed his eyes. ‘Nice try,’ he said, and he patted the chair next to him in invitation. Gavin looked at it uncomfortably before taking a seat. ‘What’s up with you?’ Geoff asked.

Gavin shook his head. ‘Nothing, really,’ Geoff scoffed in disbelief but Gavin just looked away. ‘Just feeling a bit ill is all, honest. I’m fine.’ he punched Geoff lightly on the shoulder. Geoff blinked at him.

‘Should you stay home…?’ he asked and Gavin shot up.

‘No!’ he cried, but quickly slumped back down, clearing his throat awkwardly. ‘I mean, uh, no. I’m not _sick_ sick, just sick.’

Geoff looked at him for a moment longer, eyes dancing on Gavin’s tired face and droopy eyes, but he gave in with a shrug. ‘Whatever, dude,’ he said, ‘be like that. But if this keeps happening…’ He trailed off, not even having anything to say, but Gavin seemed to come to his own conclusion and nodded quickly.

‘It won’t. C’mon, we should get to work.’

Geoff looked up at the clock. They still had ten minutes before they had to go, and he hadn’t finished his breakfast yet. ‘Do you mind?’ he asked, gesturing to the half-eaten toast still in his hand. Gavin blinked at it. ‘I’m still eating.’

‘Oh. Right.’ Gavin shifted. ‘C’mon then, hurry up.’

Geoff rolled his eyes into his toast. ‘Why are you so eager to get to work?’ he asked, muffled by the mouthful of toast he’d taken. Gavin seemed not to hear him. Geoff raised an eyebrow and coughed meaningfully, and it seemed to draw Gavin out of his daze.

‘Huh?’ he asked, eyes darting to the corner for a second before settling to meet Geoff’s.

‘Never mind,’ Geoff said, rolling his eyes and shaking his head. ‘Come on, asshole, let’s go then.’ Gavin just nodded and stood, hurrying out of room before Geoff could realise he hadn’t eaten breakfast. Geoff, shaking his head some more at Gavin’s antics, followed him into the car and drove them to work.

\---

The first thing Gavin saw when he entered the room was the black shadow hovering in the corner, where it had been yesterday. The second thing he saw was that it took longer to disappear, far too long, and the third thing he saw was the rim of the toilet bowl as his tired body threw up bile because he couldn’t handle the idea of this nightmare being real.

Geoff was rubbing his back, apologising for bringing him to work when he’d said he was feeling sick, and Gavin hung his head for a few seconds before making sure he was done tossing his non-existent cookies and he stood up straight.

‘It’s fine,’ he said, interrupting whatever Geoff was saying and rubbing his forehead. ‘I’m fine. I feel much better now.’

‘Really now-’ Geoff started, but Gavin shushed him. He pushed past him and through the small crowd that had gathered at the doorway to make sure Gavin wasn’t dying or anything and didn’t stop walking until he was sitting in his chair.

Geoff made an indignant noise as he followed him out. ‘Really?’ he demanded. ‘Really? You want me to let you stay when you haven’t slept the past two nights and the first thing you do when you arrive at work is throw up your breakfast?’ he paused, realisation flashing across his features. ‘That you haven’t even eaten?!’

‘Calm down, Geoffrey,’ Gavin said, rubbing his forehead. ‘I’m fine.’

‘Bullshit!’ Geoff argued. He was winding up to go all out concerned father figure when Gavin peeked up at him pleadingly, eyeing the small crowd of men now gathered at the door to the office eavesdropping in on their conversation meaningfully. He opened his mouth again but Gavin shot him yet another look, and with a sigh and a groan Geoff collapsed into his own seat.

‘Fine. Fine! But if you do one more stupid sick thing I’m dragging your ass the fuck home.’ With that warning having been issued he spun around, glaring at his computer as he booted it up.

‘Thanks, Geoff,’ Gavin mumbled. There was a pause as everyone looked expectantly at Geoff, who was still glaring childishly at his computer screen.

A moment passed. Another.

‘You’re welcome,’ Geoff grumbled, and with the small scene over the rest of the achievement hunters tumbled in, some somewhat gracefully but others, like Ray, ending up face first on the floor.

‘Thanks guys,’ he muttered, picking himself up, and Jack gave him a small push as he walked past, just enough to end him up on the floor again. ‘Thanks Jack.’

‘You’re welcome!’ Jack said cheerily, taking his seat. Michael laughed and offered him a hand, which Ray bypassed in favour of getting up safely and _not_ being at risk of ending up face first on the ground again.

Michael also noticed Gavin hadn’t even glanced up at their shenanigans, and he gave him a small nudge. ‘You alive, boi?’ he asked, because he hadn’t actually checked whether Gavin was okay or not. Gavin gave him a small smile.

‘Fine.’

‘Yeah?’ Michael asked, half distracted by his computer.

‘Yeah,’ Gavin replied, clicking a few buttons mindlessly. He was about to smile at Michael and make an excuse to leave – probably to the bathroom, somewhere Michael wouldn’t follow him – when he heard it.

Slow, scratching noises.

Gavin swallowed hard, plastering his smile on his face and pretending he couldn’t hear it.

‘Oi, Geoff, when are we filming the next ep of Go?’ Ray asked.

The scratching got louder, more persistent. It didn’t like Gavin ignoring it and he knew it. Geoff answered but Gavin didn’t hear it, the scratching almost drowning his voice out as it started up next to his head.

‘You okay, Gavin?’ Michael asked. Gavin turned to him, an excuse on his lips and-

‘Michael!’ he screamed, flinging his chair backwards and backing away fast. A few beats passed and he realised he was pressed back against the door, and everyone in the room was staring at him. He forced himself to straighten, never taking his eyes off Michael’s face.

The man was staring back at him, confusion and shock evident on his features, but Michael was _Michael_ , and Gavin was just imagining things. But for a second there… For a second there his face wasn’t _his,_ with eyes nothing more than empty swirling holes and teeth sharp, too sharp, and Gavin had just imagined a clawed hand reaching up to grip his shattering sanity and-

Gavin shook himself, dread sitting heavy in his stomach. The whole office was staring at him, and Geoff looked like he was ready to drag Gavin home by his teeth.

‘Gavin?’ Michael asked, his hand outstretched to him, ready to steady him.

‘I, uh- You scared me,’ Gavin sputtered lamely. A beat of silence, an awkward shuffle. ‘I didn’t expect you there.’

Michael just looked confused. ‘What do you mean-’

‘I’m not, um, feeling well. Geoff, maybe you should take me home after all?’ Gavin suggested, eyes on the ground. Geoff nodded, looking relieved, and patted down his pockets to make sure everything was in its correct place.

Geoff stayed silent until they reached the car, and it wasn’t until he put it in drive that he opened his mouth. ‘What the fuck’s up, dude?’ he asked, and peered sideways from the corner of his eye, giving Gavin a one over.

Gavin sighed. ‘I’m not feeling well.’ Geoff blinked. ‘I haven’t slept the last two nights, you’re right, and I think I’m coming down with something pretty bad.’

Geoff was thrown by the apparent honesty. ‘Oh. Well, shit. You should have said you were getting worse.’ Gavin nodded but said nothing, gaze trained heavily on the floor of the car. ‘You should rest. Seriously, if you’re not sleeping and you’re throwing up it’s probably a bug of some sort, so like I said, sleep. But that doesn’t really explain why you’ve been so jumpy.’

‘I um, had a nightmare. The other night. A pretty bad one.’

‘Like the bathroom night?’

Gavin blinked at the name, but scrambled for an answer, ‘Yeah, exactly.’

‘Do you want to talk about it?’ Geoff offered, concerned.

Gavin shook his head. ‘No. But it was bad, which is why I’m so… jumpy. Having trouble getting over it, but I think I’ll survive.’ He laughed.

Geoff hummed, looking at Gavin, who met his eyes with a tight smile. ‘Alright, fine. Fuck. Just promise you’re okay.’

Gavin nodded but looked nervous. A beat of silence and Geoff frowned at him. ‘Are you sure you’re-’

‘Yeah! Yeah. I should get some rest.’ His eyes darted around the room and he relaxed a bit. ‘Honestly. It’ll do me well.’

Geoff nodded as he spoke, offering a smile to the Brit. ‘Alright. Well, you have my number if you decide you’re a little bitch and can’t handle it,’ he winked. Gavin laughed.

‘Thanks Geoff. Your support is overwhelming.’

‘I know, what can I say?’ Geoff said modestly, waving it off. ‘Anyway, I actually have to be at work. I'll tell Griffon you're home. Enjoy the sick day, cocksucker.’ And with that he left, one smile directed at the Brit as he exited, leaving Gavin alone on the couch.

Gavin looked around. He didn’t really feel like being up in his room at the moment, the past two nights spent up there having certainly left their painful mark on him. He tapped his fingers on the couch for a moment before he stood, peering out the windows to see if Geoff was gone.

He was, and Gavin didn’t know whether to be relieved or scared. But for the time being he was alone, completely alone, and the relief he felt at that was quickly overtaken by the anxiety of wondering when his hallucinations would return. They seemed to be more frequent…when he was alone.

Sinking into the couch, he leant his head in his hands. He took a deep breath in but it came out shaky, a reminder of how torn up he really was over this. What was he meant to do? What could he…

He briefly thought of telling Geoff, but immediately brushed the idea off. That would be stupid. Insanely stupid, and it was a sure fire guarantee that he would eventually be deported. Nobody in Austin knew, not of it happening now, and not of his history, nobody except Burnie.

And he was out of the question, too.

He knew Burnie wouldn’t judge him. But he also knew he couldn’t risk having him at the company, not if he relapsed. It wasn’t Burnie’s fault, no, but the fucking United States of America wasn’t too fond on allowing foreign, mentally unstable people onto their land. The only reason Burnie could hire him in the first place was because he’d never relapsed, his records were clean, and there hadn’t been a single incident since he was cured twelve years ago.

Even so, it had been hell to get Gavin into America. It had taken years and thousands of dollars, and Gavin was eternally grateful to Burnie and his never ending support. But Gavin knew if he breathed a word of his recession, despite Burnie’s best interests, Gavin would end up out of the country and in the insane asylum.

It wasn’t like normal medication, where if it stopped working he could go to the doctors and ask for a new brand. If there was any hint that his current medication wasn’t working, that he was seeing things again…

He couldn’t lose this. He couldn’t lose the life he’d worked so hard for.

But he didn’t know what to do. If he stayed like this, if it got worse, if it started coming more, he’d go insane. If he wasn’t already.

He curled up into a little ball on the couch, pain eating at him. Why him? What had he done? It was bad enough twelve years ago, but now, it could potentially destroy everything he spent years trying to build.

What had he done to deserve this? What was he meant to do?

He bit back tears. The desire to call someone, to tell someone, was overwhelming, but he fought against it.

The scratching started up.

He couldn’t risk it. He couldn’t fuck his life up. He’d push through it, and he’d ignore it, and he would get better. He’d done it before; he could do it again, without anybody’s help.

Because really, who could he tell? His friends might support him, worry about him, but there was _nothing_ they could do, even if they stuck around long enough to try. They were good people, great people, he didn’t doubt that in the slightest, but he knew it’d come as not only a shock but a blow to them that there was something this big he’d purposely kept from them.

He’d never considered telling them his past, never felt any need to, and he’d never even thought what he would do if he relapsed because he’d never expected it.

He could hear faint whispering, voices of people that didn’t exist and weren’t actually there.

No, telling them was out of the question, and that was assuming he’d know how. What was he meant to say?

He laughed drily, lifted his head up to the ceiling and closed his eyes.

‘Yeah, hi, I’m schizophrenic. I’ve spent over a year in an insane asylum twelve years ago because I had a mental breakdown when the hallucinations in my head drove me over the edge. I threatened my mother and tried to kill myself, and I’ve been on medication ever since to stop the hallucinations from coming back. Oh, but it’s not working anymore, and I’m seeing it again. In my room, on the street, at work. Everywhere I go, I’m seeing it again. It’s been two days and I can feel myself going insane, and I’m pretty sure it’s going to kill me, because if it doesn’t I think I’m going to kill myself. Just a heads up, because I’m seeing it again.’

A sob broke from his chest as the vase from the nearest table shattered, his dry tone and temporary sanctuary shattering with it.

‘It’s here with me right now, and I’m seeing it again.’

He curled up into a tiny ball on the couch, his head buried in his hands, whispering broken apologies to people he knew couldn’t hear.

‘I’m so sorry. I’m seeing it again.’


	5. or maybe the one

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> little rushed but here it is!  
> also, have a shameless repost of the art link!
> 
> http://spontaneoushuman.tumblr.com/post/84713195083/so-one-of-my-favorite-authors-started-writing-a
> 
> i edited it to last chapters notes because a lovely person (spontaneoushuman) drew it for me and i'm relinking for those who missed out bcos hasdfgh it's so good.  
> art. is. always. appreciated. 
> 
> read & review, yo

Gavin jerked awake when Geoff entered the living room, Griffon following right behind. They both had serious looks on their faces, expressions grave and solemn, and Gavin felt a shudder of unease run through him as they sat, one either side of him on the couch.

‘What?’ Gavin asked, pulling his knees up to his chest in a subconscious measure of defence. It didn’t go unnoticed by Griffon or Geoff, the both of them sharing a look with each other before Geoff straightened and cleared his throat.

‘Gavin…’ he murmured, and the tone of his voice said it all.

Griffon's face was stony, Geoff averted his eyes, and Gavin felt his entire world shatter in the quiet utterance of his name.

‘Geoff, please-’ he started, but stopped when Geoff held both hands up in a placating gesture for silence.

‘Don’t, Gavin,’ he said, eyes boring through his skull. ‘Just… don’t.’

‘Just let me explain-’

‘We don’t need you to explain,’ Griffon interrupted, and when Gavin met her eyes again they held no sympathy, nothing but cold.

‘But-’

‘Stop, Gavin,’ Geoff hissed.

There was silence for a few moments that felt like an eternity, as Gavin stared at the floor and tried to ignore just how cold Griffon and Geoff felt next to him. Finally, Geoff took a deep breath.

‘How could you not tell us?’ he demanded, but his voice was low. ‘All this time and we didn’t know? How could you keep it from us?’

‘I just thought…’ Gavin started, but now that he had a chance to speak he discovered he didn’t know what to say.

‘You just thought what?’ Geoff hissed again, his face hard. ‘Thought you could get away with it forever? Avoid telling the people who cared about you?’ Gavin felt his heart twist at the past tense, unable to tear his eyes from Geoff’s as the normally gentle man tore him apart. ‘What if you’d hurt someone? Hurt one of us?’ 

Gavin outright blanched at that, face paling. ‘I would never-’

‘How would you know, Gavin? What do you know? You never expected this, did you?’

‘Geoff, stop!’ Gavin cried, his voice breaking in tandem with his heart.

‘So how would _you_ know? How could we ever trust you when you so blatantly put my family in danger?’ Geoff demanded, eyes narrowed. Griffon was nodding her agreement at his side.

‘We can’t trust you here. _We want you gone.'_  Her voice was harsh as nails, and Gavin couldn’t even find it in him to ask why they were so unforgiving, so hateful and cruel when they’d never shown him anything but love.

'Please...' he tried, but his voice had stopped working and they weren't listening to him anyway, they were yelling at him, louder and louder and he couldn't _move-_

' _Liar.'_

_'Dangerous.'_

Each word accompanied by a snarl, a curl of their lips and a darkening on their faces that was starting to become far too familiar.

_'Liability.'_

_'Insane.'_

And the shadows, of course, the shadows, they drew up, contorting his family's faces and their voices and Gavin felt his grasp on sanity slip, and he wondered if any of this was real, or if this was _completely_ a hallucination and the real Geoff and Griffon were crowded around him trying to get his attention, trying to draw him out of the hell he'd fallen into when he just couldn't see them, couldn't feel them, couldn't touch them.

He briefly wondered if they could hear him screaming, too.

But then he couldn’t focus on anything besides the fact that he was starting to slip away, the assault of sensations fading into nothing, and the last thing he felt was them, their hate and anger and their bodies beside him that were so very very _cold._

\----

Gavin awoke alone on the couch.

Reality?

The sound of keys in the lock, the turning of the handle that indicated someone’s arrival.

No. Not someone. Some _thing._

He sprung to his feet, the numb, heaviness of his body from the nightmare? _hallucination?_  fading and adrenaline rushed through him to take its place. He stood, shaking, forcing his locked legs to stand so could he follow his instinct and move away, put distance between himself and whatever was trying to get through the door.

A heavy sense of dread ran through him, every sense he had at high alert and telling him to run, that this was bad very bad bad bad-

The door creaked open and Gavin was thrown back to his original nightmare, the heavy door that had hung off it's hinges and the creeping darkness-

Just as suddenly he was thrown back and Geoff stood there, stretching into a yawn as he jangled his keys. 'What’s up your ass?’ he grunted, cracking his neck as he appraised Gavin's frozen position.

‘Geoff?’ Gavin questioned softly, and Geoff took pause.

‘Uh, yeah. The one and only,’ he responded slowly.

'Geoffrey?'

Geoff's daddy instinct kicked up a notch.

'Yeah. What's wrong?' he approached slowly.

Gavin blinked. Breathed. Kept breathing.

Geoff's eyes reflected nothing but worry and his arms held no sign of violence, but a second later they held an armful of Gavin as the Brit propelled himself forward into a hug and buried his face into his shoulder.

Geoff froze for a millisecond before hugging immediately back, the forefront of his mind running at full speed to make sense of the situation, to understand. Mind still whirling,  he cracked a joke to try and relieve the tension he could feel rolling off him.

‘Are you feeling overly affectionate all of a sudden or are you trying to come onto me?’ he asked, raising an eyebrow pointedly at the embrace.

It worked, because Gavin breathed out a laugh of shock and forced his stiff limbs to unwrap from around him. He pulled away and offered a smile, trying to blink the last of the dream out of his mind, but Geoff didn’t let him go so easily – he grabbed the lanky Brit and dragged him into a bear hug, squeezing so hard Gavin felt all the air get pushed out of his lungs.

‘Bloody- dying, Geoff!’ Gavin gasped, pounding weakly on Geoff’s back. Geoff let him go with a laugh, watching Gavin collapse to the floor and flounder around.

‘You’re welcome,’ Geoff nodded, offering his hand.

After accepting it weakly and being pulled to his feet, Gavin gazed at the floor and muttered a quiet 'Thanks,'

Geoff just nodded. ‘C’mon. Let’s start dinner.’ He jerked his head towards the kitchen and Gavin scuffed his feet before following him into the room. ‘You looked like you needed the comfort,’ Geoff remarked, ‘how bad was the dream?’

Gavin opened his mouth to respond, found he couldn’t, shut it. Geoff turned and leant against the cutlery drawer, raising an eyebrow.

‘How’d you know it was a dream?’ Gavin mumbled, staring at the floor. Geoff just crossed his arms, his remaining eyebrow shooting up to join the other as he refused to grace Gavin’s response with an answer.

After a few beats of silence, Geoff sighed.

‘You been having bad dreams a lot?’ he asked. Gavin just nodded. ‘What are they about?’

Gavin was about to respond but stopped when Griffon entered, ducking over to give Geoff a chaste kiss. She too stopped, perceptive enough to notice a sudden lull in the conversation. She looked between the two men and put her hands on her hips, arching an eyebrow. ‘Don’t let me interrupt,’ she pursed her lips.

Geoff laughed and grabbed her by the hand, tugging her over. ‘We’re talking about man stuff.’ 

She snorted, asking ‘Do either of you know what that is?’, and Gavin watched them slip into an easy banter that he longed to be a part of.

But the dream played heavily on his mind.

Gavin didn’t pay any attention to the conversation that night, nor did he participate, and  he went up to bed afterwards promising he was just tired, he was full from dinner and he just needed a bit of a rest, honestly.

Geoff found his dinner in the bin that night. He didn't say a word. 


	6. who'll end up dead.

‘You know, Gav’s been having a lot of nightmares lately.’ Geoff said conversationally, not looking up as he spread jam on his toast. He’d half hoped Griffon wouldn’t pay attention and he could leave it at that, but when he did look up she was watching him with concern.

‘Uh, yeah.’ He continued, scratching his neck. ‘Lad said he hasn’t been sleeping, said he hasn’t been feelin’ well and all that. I dunno, thought I’d bring it up to you.’

Griffon just raised an eyebrow and gestured for him to continue, putting her elbows on the table and her chin in her hands. Geoff cleared his throat.

‘And the other night, I found him in the bathroom all shaken up and shit. Said he’d just had a nightmare, but you should have seen him. He practically had a heart attack when I put my hand on his shoulder, and I’m pretty sure he’d been talking to himself.’

‘Like he was the other night?’ Griffon prompted, her full attention on Geoff, who seemed to open up more with every second.

‘Yeah, exactly. Except maybe not as bad, I don’t know. And there was before dinner last night, he had another, and just fuck, all the fuckin’ time recently. I don’t know what’s up with him, and it’s getting to me. ’

‘Understandably.’

‘And with the whole staring off into the distance thing- And it’s like the fifth nightmare he’s had this week!’ Griffon reached across the table and put her thumb on his lips, subtly telling him to tone down the volume.

‘Nightmares are often caused by stress. You should talk to him, see if he’s okay. It’d do a hell of a lot better than sitting here talking to me.'

‘Probably. But you’re good at this.’ He smiled. ‘Alright, fine, I’ll talk to him.’

‘Good,’ she smiled, and he scrunched his nose at her. ‘Is he coming to work with you today?’

At this Geoff paused, considering, before he shrugged. ‘I ‘unno. I’ll go ask,’ and with that and a kiss he was out of the kitchen and heading up the stairs. He arrived at Gavin’s door and hesitated a moment, torn about whether to let the lad sleep if he was in fact sleeping, before shrugging and heading in anyway.

‘Glad you respect personal space.’ Gavin joked, his long sleeve shirt only just pulled over his head. Geoff laughed and shrugged amiably.

‘Whatever dude, should be used to it by now. This is the Ramsey residence; you know there’s no such thing.’ He proclaimed, drawing a laugh from Gavin as the younger man fluffed his hair up a bit in the mirror. ‘I guess you’re feeling good enough for work?’

Gavin nodded, still fixated on the mirror. ‘Yeah, yeah. Definitely. A wee spot of night terrors aren’t gunna stop this lad.’

Raising an eyebrow from his position sprawled across Gavin’s bed, Geoff laughed. ‘One, that was possibly the most British thing you’ve ever said and two, well. It’s not just a ‘wee spot’, is it?’ He asked, and he sat up straight.

Gavin stiffened. ‘Give me a few days and I’ll be tippy top-’

‘No, come on. Sit down and tell Daddy Geoff about the scary warys that go bump in the night.’ 

Gavin just shook his head, a tight smile on his face. ‘It’s no biggie.’ He dismissed, but Geoff stood up and barred his way before he could make his escape.

‘Nope, sorry. You’re gunna tell me what these dreams are about.’

‘Geof,’ Gavin pleaded, but he refused to budge.

‘You woke us up at some unholy hour of the morning, screaming your head off. Now, I definitely don’t give a fuck about that, okay, don’t get me wrong, except that obviously it was a bad fuckin’ nightmare. But you said you had one the other day-’ Gavin shuddered ‘-and you’ve been having ‘em the past couple nights. So spill.’ Done with his incredibly inspirational speech, Geoff crossed his arms and waited. Gavin just stared at the floor before mumbling something.

‘What was that?’

‘I said it’s just about… um, Dan. I’ve been having nightmares about Dan.’

At this, Geoff’s eyebrows scrunched in confusion. ‘But I thought you and him-’

‘No, we’re great mates, it’s just-’

‘Did he hurt you?’ Geoff demanded, eyes narrowed. Gavin was quick to put his hands up and derail that idea.

‘Uh, no. I’m worried _for_ him. Being, um, y’know... in Afghanistan and all that.’

Geoff’s expression cleared but then became confused again. ‘But hasn’t he been in the army for like, ever? Why are you only worrying now?’

Gavin shrugged. ‘Can’t bloody help it, can I? Anyway, can’t do anything about it, and I got in touch with him and made sure he’s fine, so… nothing to worry about.’

‘But-’

‘So come on, you’re gunna be late.’ Gavin said. Geoff frowned but let it go, following Gavin out of his room. He stopped him before he could walk right out the door, a frown on his face.

‘What?’ Gavin asked. Geoff tilted his head towards the kitchen expectantly and Gavin froze.

‘Well?’ Geoff demanded.

Gavin looked positively terrified. ‘Wh- I… What?’ 

‘Your breakfast.’ Geoff said, but he looked concerned again. ‘Seriously, Gavin, you-’

‘Yes! Sorry. Got a bit confused. C’mon, I’ll pick something up on the way, yeah?’ he urged, tugging Geoff out the door. Geoff conceded with another worried sigh, taking his seat in the drivers spot and beginning the drive to work.

  
\---  


After about ten minutes of sitting at his desk, feeling his breakfast sitting heavy in his stomach and trying to ignore Michael’s constant teasing, Gavin was fed up. He offered a tight smile and waved away Michael’s apology as he went to stand, pushing his chair out and glancing around to make sure nobody else would notice his exit.

Geoff was engrossed in his editing, Ray was busy fucking around on GTA and Jack was busy going through his AHWU diary. So Gavin promised Michael he was fine and escaped into the cold silence of the bathroom. He locked himself in a stall and crouched in front of the toilet, feeling the remnants of his breakfast force its way up his throat as he retched, throwing up heavily into the bowl. It took him a few minutes before he felt okay enough to stand, flushing the toilet with a grimace and ignoring the way his head spun.

He knew it was bad but he couldn’t bring himself to keep the food down, could rarely force himself to eat it in the first place, and he knew he had a bit more time before he really had to start worrying. Sighing, Gavin splashed his face with water and tried not to think about how long it had been since he’d really eaten something.

He jumped when he saw someone open the door and hesitate, but chose to ignore them.

‘Gavin?’ Michael asked, standing in the doorway of the bathroom.

Gavin didn’t respond, choosing to splash his face with water and hang his head. He took a deep breath before he turned around and gave Michael a smile. ‘Yeah, boi?’ He asked.

Michael frowned at him. ‘You okay?’ he asked. ‘You’ve been acting weird as fuck, not gunna lie.’

‘Uh, yeah. Been feeling a bit sick. Don’t tell Geoff, though. He’s worried enough as it is.’ Gavin waved off. He tried to steady his shaking hands but couldn’t, so he settled with stuffing them in his pockets. Michael didn’t take the hint and frowned at him.

‘Maybe he should be?’ He asked. Gavin seemed distracted, focusing on nothing. ‘Gavin?’ he asked, and received no response.

‘I, uh-’ Gavin managed, distracted by the quiet whispering filling his ears. ‘No, no he shouldn’t. Just don’t feel well is all-’ He cut off, the whispering growing louder. He blinked repeatedly, focusing on Michael standing in front of him, and the voices started to fade.

‘Look, I’m all for respecting personal space-’

‘Yes! Yeah, I know. Thanks, Michael. I’m gunna go sit down.’ Michael just looked at him for a little longer as the two of them walked out of the bathroom, heading towards the office.

‘Aren’t you gunna have lunch?’ Michael asked. Gavin shook his head, sparing him a glance before he leaned his head in his hands again.

‘No. Not really hungry. You go join ‘em.’ Gavin said, smiling at him.

‘Gavin…’ Michael hesitated, unsure as how to proceed. 

‘I’m fine. Go on.’ Gavin urged. Michael looked between him and the door before stepping forward and pulling the Brit into an embrace, wrapping his arms tightly around him. Gavin hesitated before hugging him back, barely restraining himself from melting against the older boy and just letting it all go.

But then Michael was pulling back, the lightest of blushes tainting his cheeks, and no words were spoken between them as Michael ducked his head and with one last lingering glance, pulled back completely. Gavin barely stopped himself from asking Michael to stay, to talk to him, to help stave off the hallucinations if not only for a little while.

But Michael was nearly out the door, the moment nearly gone. The scratching immediately started up, and Gavin felt the words catch in his throat and the room seemed to shrink immediately as Michael started to close the door behind him.

‘Wait!’ he cried, and Michael paused and turned to him curiously. ‘I, um…’ He found himself floundering, and Michael just looked at him questioningly. ‘Do you wanna play some GTA with me?’

Michael gave him a once over, but then he smiled. ‘Whatever, dude. Load it up. I’m not really hungry, anyway.’

Gavin shot him a smile, relief flooding through him, as Michael led the way to the office and they sat in the empty room together.

He prayed he could stay like that, knee knocking against Michael’s as they played stupid games and made stupid noises at each other, pretending he didn’t feel a small rush every time he met Michael’s eyes or brushed their hands together.

He felt the first swirls of peace. 


	7. mirror, mirror, on the wall

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> /blows out breath  
> this chapter man  
> sdfhjgfsda idk  
> hope you all like it
> 
> (also shout out to darlingdany and WayWardWatson for the bday wishes naw)  
> (and to everyone always for the comments and support <3)
> 
> read & review, yo

 Geoff waved a hand in front of Gavin’s face, startling the Brit out of his doze. When he was sure he had his attention, Geoff leaned back in his chair and crossed his arms.

‘Well?’ he asked. Gavin looked down at the table in response. Geoff sighed and uncrossed his arms, leaning his elbows on the table and pursing his lips. ‘C’mon, Gav, tell us what’s wrong.’

He and Griffon were on one side of the table, Gavin at the other. They’d been talking to him for a few minutes, trying to get the foreign man to talk to them, but to no avail. So far there had been a whole lot of concerned glances on their end and a whole lot of staring at the table on his.

‘Gavin,’ Griffon said, her voice firm.

Finally, Gavin looked up, his baggy eyes bloodshot. He wrung his hands and blew a breath out his nose, but didn’t give an answer. 

‘Look, dude, we just wanna help you out, but how the fuck are we meant to do that when you won’t tell us what’s up?’ Geoff coaxed.

‘I told you.’ Gavin said, ‘The other night. Just having nightmares about Dan.’

‘Nightmares that woke you up screaming, twice in a row-’

‘I’m just really worried!’

_Lie to them._

‘Not to mention you’ve been really jumpy lately.’

_Don’t let them know._

‘It’s because I haven’t been sleeping _because_ I’ve been worried _because_ of the bleeding nightmares!’ Gavin cried. Geoff put his hands up in a gesture of surrender, but the worried look never left his face.

_Don’t let them find out._

Gavin breathed out slowly. Geoff chewed thoughtfully on his lip. ‘Well, if it’s the nightmares that are the problem…’

_They’ll know you’re insane. They’ll take you far away, lock you in a cell and you’ll never get out._

‘Then maybe sleeping pills will help?’ Geoff offered. Griffon didn’t look too happy with the idea but didn’t dispute it, instead resting her chin on her hands and looking between her two boys.

_And you’ll only have us for company._

‘If you’re so far asleep you can’t have nightmares. If you can’t have nightmares, you’ll sleep fine, you’ll feel better, and boom! Problem solved.’

_For the rest of your life._

Gavin didn’t look pleased with the idea either, flexing his hands into fists and straightening them again, sneaking glances over his shoulder.

Griffon caught both gestures and frowned. ‘I, um… I don’t think that’s a good idea.’

Geoff shrugged. 'Not up to me. If you want to give it a go, give it a go. If it doesn’t work, no harm done.’

‘Er, or I could get caught up in some nightmare I couldn’t escape from. That sounds terrible! What if that happens?’ He swallowed hard, tried to ignore the whispers in his mind that promised eternity with them.

‘Then we won’t do it again.’ Geoff finished, looking proud. 'Anyway, that's really unlikely. Not a sci-fi movie, Gav.'

'That's not...'

Gavin trailed off, still digging crescents into his palm with his fingernails. They weren't listening to him.

Griffon, quiet until now, finally gave her opinion. ‘It’s worth a try, Gav. If it doesn’t work, we can’t say we didn’t try. I don’t exactly approve of just feeding you pills, but there are other options if it falls through.’

 

He gave up. 'Alright. Okay.'

Geoff tried to force more enthusiasm into his tone than he really felt. ‘Great. I’ll pick them up today when I’m buying groceries.’

Gavin rubbed his tired eyes and stood. He didn’t mention he hadn’t eaten breakfast for the third day in a row, just followed Geoff as he led them to the car and got inside. They arrived at work after a short drive, Gavin sitting in tired silence as Geoff thought over their plans for the day.

Michael and Jack were already inside, and they offered respective greetings as the duo arrived.

‘Where’s Ray?’ Geoff asked, taking his seat. ‘Oh, wait, let me guess. Late.’

‘Bingo.’ Michael affirmed. ‘You know him, anything before eleven is about five hours too early.’

‘I’m gunna fire him someday soon,’ Geoff threatened. Jack just chuckled and shook his head,.

Moments later, almost as if he knew they were talking about him (and Geoff wouldn’t put it past him, he knew from personal experience that the cocksucker held no qualms with eavesdropping to satisfy his curiosity) Ray entered, banging the door open as he made his arrival known.

‘The party has arrived,’ he greeted, collapsing into his chair and booting his PC up.

‘Thank god,’ Geoff muttered drily.

‘Cheer up Geoff, guess who’s about to offer to go on a coffee run for you lazy shits?’ Ray said smugly. Geoff evidently perked up at this and even Gavin raised his head.

‘Coffee?’ Geoff repeated. ‘Ray, my favourite employee, you look absolutely _lovely_ today.’

Ray preened. ‘Well, I know that. But you _were_ just-’

‘You know I can fire you, right?’ Geoff said, all pretences at playing nice dropped. Michael sniggered, nudging Gavin when he didn’t even crack a smile.

‘What kind of coffee did you say you wanted?’ 

‘Same as usual,’ Geoff confirmed, turning back to his work.

‘Alright, I’ll pretend I know what that is. Jack? Vav? Michael?’

Jack hummed thoughtfully before deciding and Michael went with his usual.

‘You wanna come, Gav?’ Ray offered, kicking the Brit with his foot and drawing him out of his daze. He raised an elegant eyebrow.

‘Uh… no thanks, X-Ray,' hereplied, rubbing at his eyes and glancing worriedly over his shoulder.

Empty, for now. At least of anything that shouldn’t be there.

‘C’mon buddy, X-Ray and Vav!’ Ray tried, but Gavin just shook his head. With a pout Ray left, taking Michael and most of the energy in the room with him.

Gavin gave a small sigh and turned back to the work he was staring at. He ignored the people behind him, trying his best to get some work done while he had some peace. With how quiet it had been since this morning, he couldn’t help but feel a small bloom of hope. Maybe he’d shut it up for good.

But hope was dangerous, a fact he’d learned and relearned until it was drilled into his head.

He shook the overwhelming memories away (he used to be so good at that, what happened?) and tried not to glance around too much. He knew he looked like a paranoid wreck.

Ray returned after what felt like a few minutes but realistically was more like the twenty minutes it took, and he returned with style. Gavin didn't peel his eyes from his screen when Ray placed his in front of him, not wanting anything to disturb his peace.

He repositioned his coffee and clicked a few more buttons before giving in and taking a sip. It tasted bitter and odd, so he pulled it away with a frown and put it down on the desk. He was just refocusing on his program when a thought struck him.

Blinking, Gavin stared at it. It looked normal.

‘As a coffee should,’ he mumbled, but he didn’t take his eyes off it.

It looked normal, but what did that mean? There could be something lurking under the surface. What if...

‘What’d you say, Gav?’ Jack asked, glancing at him. Gavin didn’t hear him, still staring into his coffee. ‘Gav?’ he asked again. He frowned when the Brit leaned forward, staring at his desk with utmost concentration. 'Gavin?'

He kept his voice soft, and Gavin tilted his head towards him, but kept his eyes on his coffee.

'Gavin?'

_They know._

Gavin jerked back. 'What'd you say, Jack?'

'Is something wrong ?' Jack asked, peering worriedly at him. Gavin stared at him.

'No, it's fine.' he assured after a moment, trying to swallow down his paranoia. He was imagining it. Just take a drink of the coffee, pretend you're fine.

Jack nodded and turned away, and Gavin lifted the cup to his lips.

_They know, and that’s why they’re trying to poison you._

Gavin froze, the cup halfway to his mouth. It had been the quickest thought, flitting and so quick he almost hadn't registered it, but some part of his brain had caught on and heard it and all of a sudden it was all he could think of.

'Absolutely bloody ridiculous,' he whispered quietly, and tried to dispel it. 

 _Unoriginal. Poison me, really?_ He shook his head.

And still the thought stayed. What if something had accidentally happened? Something had fallen in, and it was his instinct rearing, raising its head to try and warn him away.

Distantly, he began shaking. That wasn't right. It wasn't right and he  _knew_ it wasn't right, but something inside him froze up at the idea of lifting the cup to his lips and actually taking a sip.

Just  _fucking_ coffee. 

He knew what was happening to him. He knew the obsessive thought would take root and grow and grow and  _grow_ if he didn't dispel it now, but the tremors in his hands were increasing and he still felt like if he tried to take a sip the terror would choke in his throat like poison until he couldn't breathe. 

He knew, abruptly, that he was being watched. He wasn't imagining it, either — when he spun around, Jack and Ray were both staring at him. Geoff was focused on his screen, but _it was only a matter of time._

He shook his head and stood, trying to conceal his trembling, and escaped from the room. When he'd shut the door behind him he broke into a jog, feeling fear and paranoia and hurt tear through him, shattering his thoughts into a broken, jumbled, jagged mess—

He turned a corner and ran straight into Michael.

'Holy  _shit_ Gav, you scared the crap outta me!' 

Gavin reeled away from him and staggered into a wall, brought himself together just in time to straighten before Michael could look at him.

'Sorry, boy,' he choked out, but it came out strained and tight and gave away more than he wanted it to.

'Uh, are you fucking okay?'

'Fine, fine, just fine, I was just- I-'

Michael's head followed him back and forth. 'Are not fucking fine,  _clearly_. What the fuck was that?'

The words burst from him before he had a chance to even  _think_ , and that was a bad an indication as any.

'The coffee, Michael-'

The panic that had began to recede at the panicked look in Michael's eyes climbed its way back up his throat full force.

'Woah, wait, what are you-'

He shook his head, but the words were tearing themselves from between his cracked lips, shaping off his tongue into sharp, broken edges.

'—  _somethin' in it, Michael_ —'

'In what? What coffee?' 

 

'The bloody-' but he stopped, because the words had caught in his throat long enough for him to hold onto them, to sink his faith into the fact that something was wrong.

'I'm confused,' Michael stated plainly, but the look in his eyes was anything but - it was sharp, and watchful, and Gavin could feel it peering into him and picking him apart.

And it came together with the memory that played behind Gavin's eyes. He hadn't seen Ray's hand put the coffee in front of him. Maybe something had, in his mind, but not someone. 

It wasn't real. He hadn't even  _thought_ —

 

Michael caught his eye. 'So what the hell is this about?'

Abruptly, the panic faded, and all that was left was exhaustion. A heavy, weighted blanket of cold tiredness that sunk down into him and left him with nothing.

He'd already reached the end of his rope. He couldn't take it anymore. He couldn't stand there and make excuses that sounded like lies even to his own ears. He couldn't convince them he was fine, not when he'd been so strange lately; saying he was sick only carried him so far, and it'd only spawn more questions.

You've been sick for a while, you don't seem to be getting better, and have you seen a doctor lately, Gavin?

No, he hadn't visited him since his medication failed, but he couldn't say that, either.

'Gavin?' Michael had stepped forward, eyes squinted in honest concern as he waved a hand in front of his face.

'Panic attack.' The lie (was it a lie?) tumbled from his lips before he'd even thought about it.

Michael rocked back on his heels, waiting.

'All the time, lately. Please, if you see me freaking out, _don't say anything._ Don't do anything. Just let me be.'

'Okay, sure, that sounds healthy and not at all like a recipe for disaster. Are you fucking kidding me right now, Gavin?'

'Michael-'

'No, seriously, you've  _got_ to be shitting me.  _Panic attacks,_ and you want me to, um, what was it? Not say or do anything?'

Gavin wilted, and Michael watched him. Sympathy seemed to shine out at him from his worried eyes. 'Okay, pretend for a moment I'll even  _entertain_ that idea, which... fucking hell, what?'

'What?'

"You... you looked...'  __— _d_ _evastated_ — ' _..._ worried for a sec there, Gav.'

He blew out a heavy breath and when he met Michael's eyes, there was something dark lingering there that seemed to suck the words from Michael's mouth.

'I'm fine, Michael. I just need to get a handle on all this.'

 

Michael looked like he was going to argue. He looked like he was going to say _no,_ Gavin wasn't fine at all, he hadn't been fine for a while and he was only getting worse. He cared about him more than anything, and no way was he going to let it go if Gavin wasn't okay.

But Gavin beat him to it. ' _Please,_ Michael. I just need for it to be okay.'

Michael didn't question the heaviness behind those words. He just nodded mutely, and watched as Gavin nodded shakily back and moved quickly past him, down the hall and as far away as possible.

'You alright, Michael?' Joel asked, and Michael wondered when he'd arrived there. He didn't take his eyes off the corner Gavin had gone around.

'Fine,' he said in response, and knew Gavin was the reason it didn't ring true.


	8. who's the most foolish of them all?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ever thought you'd woken from a dream, when it turns out you hadn't?
> 
> art for this chapter here: 
> 
> http://spontaneoushuman.tumblr.com/post/94810798278/the-lovely-kodie-has-been-writing-a-hella-story

Gavin rolled in his bed, his head twisting to one side, and even in his sleep a frown marred his face.

The moonlight from the window was the only light in his otherwise pitch black room, and the darkness seemed to seep into his dreams, twisting them until they started darkening and the previously warm glow of sleep turned cold.

In his mind, Griffon was in front of him.

She was smiling, and in her hand held two pills. Small, white tablets.

Gavin reached for them. Held back.

Her comforting smile turned to a snarl.

Gavin whined in his sleep, pushed himself into the bed as if he knew he was sleeping, and in his dream he took the pills.

Her snarl faded, turned back to a smile. She stroked his hair as he went to take the pills but he hesitated, and without pause she grabbed a handful of his hair and forced the pills down his throat.

He thrashed in his bed as he was forced to swallow and woke up gasping for air.

Blinked once, twice.

He's alive.

Chancing a glance around, he felt hesitant relief flood him when everything was normal and nothing was out of place. He breathed a sigh and climbed out of bed, throat screaming at him for some water.

Or something stronger. At this point in time, he figured it wouldn’t hurt.

The sleeping pills Griffon had given him wouldn't work. In a way, he'd hoped they wouldn't. He wasn't entirely convinced he wouldn't be trapped in his dreams.

He shivered when his bare feet hit the floor and he made his way out of his room, taking the steps downstairs with care as not to wake anyone up. He wouldn’t tell them, no, wouldn’t breathe a word about the sleeping pills failure. If they wanted to think they worked and Gavin was fine, he was _more_ than happy to oblige that hope.

Not only were they a very low dosage because Geoff and Griffon were being careful, but he'd somewhat developed an immunity to mild sedatives.

They had been part of his medication, after all. So between his slight intolerance and the weakness of the actual sleeping medication they'd given him, he just wasn't affected.

He padded to the sink, glancing around constantly to reassure himself that he was alone and relatively stable. When he arrived with no problems he couldn’t help but feel slightly suspicious, the prickle on the back of his neck insisting something wasn’t right.

He’d never been one for banal platitudes, but the saying ‘It’s quiet, too quiet’ was far too fitting to the situation for his liking.

Breathing heavily through his nose, Gavin grabbed a glass and shoved it under the tap, twisting it on while glancing over his shoulder for anything unusual. It took him a moment to realise the taps weren’t working, not even a little.

The paranoia worked its way further up his spine, leaving a freezing trail of fear.

‘It’s not a nightmare, not even a hallucination. Just plumbing that’s all bollocksed up,’ he assured himself.

A second later, the tap spluttered to life. The banging in the pipes did nothing to calm his frayed nerves and he was about to turn them off when water started spitting out.

‘Bollocksed plumbing,’ he whispered again.

But when the water that ran from the tap was blood red and filled with unidentifiable chunks, Gavin couldn’t even pretend he was surprised. He just turned the tap off with trembling hands and set the glass down on the sink, backing away silently.

He turned around to make his way up to his room, where he could at least go mental in peace, and he almost ran straight into Geoff.

‘Geoff!’ Gavin cried. He covered his mouth with one hand and put the other over his heart to show just how much Geoff had scared the living daylights out of him.

‘You okay, buddy? Heard you banging around down here.’

Gavin just shook his head, still trying to get his voice back. ‘

'Pills didn't work?'

'Uh,' Gavin started.

'That’s a shame,’ Geoff supplied, mouth twisting at the side.

‘Yeah,’ Gavin coughed. ‘Nah, I guess I just need to take more next time. I didn’t have any nightmares though, but I should probably head back up to bed. Sorry for waking you.’ he excused, pushing gently past Geoff in the doorway to make his way back up to his room. 

‘Wait.’ Geoff said, and a hand made its way onto Gavin’s shoulder. A second later it dug in hard and he was thrown backwards into the kitchen, barely preventing himself from falling onto the cold tile.

Gavin just stared at him, mouth hanging open.

‘I’m not done with you yet.’ Geoff said, shaking his head. He stretched out his tattooed arms in what looked like an innocent stretch, but Gavin saw his hand brush the knife block sitting next to the microwave on the way down.

It really should have clicked before but it did now, and Gavin stared at him in the blue light emitted from the microwave clock as Geoff advanced, knife held loosely in his bloody hand and smirk on his shadowed face.

Gavin shut his eyes, whipping his head back and forth harshly as if he could shake the hallucinations out of his head. Taking a deep breath, he counted to three and opened his eyes again. When the room was empty and the blue light illuminated nothing but the kitchen table, Gavin closed his eyes in relief, opening them again a second later.

The walls were covered in blood. Gavin barely had time to process this when an incredible pain started in his head, worse than any migraine he’d ever experienced, like somebody had taken a jackhammer to his skull with no care for consequences.

He stumbled forward and grabbed his head in his hands, forcing himself to straighten from where he’d subconsciously bent over. He nearly fell backwards into the sink when he heard a deafening scream, anywhere and everywhere, filling his head until he stumbled to his knees, his hands still clutching uselessly at his head.

_You can’t hide forever, Gavin. You can’t hide at all._

Gavin screamed and stumbled back into the kitchen table, the banging in his head disappearing as suddenly as it arrived. He tentatively straightened, wiping blood from his eardrums before turning to face the blood splattered room. Geoff was there again, laughing. The whole room was laughing, laughter directed at him and coming from every direction, the walls seeming to shudder and crack with the force of it.

‘It’s not that easy, Gavin. It never will be.’  Geoff sneered. He walked forward, ignoring Gavin’s attempts to push him away, and he grabbed the Brit by the arms when he tried to escape around him. ‘Nice try,’ he smirked. ‘But you know you can’t escape.’ 

Gavin started struggling harder and managed to get free, and it was only when he bolted out into the hallway that he realised it was a trap. He heard Geoff’s laughter echoing behind him as he pursued but Gavin was frozen, staring at the bloody trail leading to the entrance to Griffon and Geoff’s room.

He tried to tell himself it wasn’t real and they were okay, but he found himself walking towards the glowing door anyway, begging himself to stop. He put a hand on the door and gently pushed it open, eyes following the trail of blood to-

He backed out of the doorway fast, feeling bile rising in his throat. Breath tearing out in ragged gasps he ran, ran far from the bloody room and the abandoned teddybear and the-

‘Going somewhere?’ Geoff taunted, appearing in front of him. Gavin quickly swung left and opened a door, and it was only once he’d slammed it behind him and locked it that he realised he’d never seen that door before.

‘Oh God,’ he whispered, turning slowly to face the room behind him. His breath picked up and his heart raced, beating so hard he feared it would burst out of his chest.

But when he turned and saw what lay beyond him, he wished it would.

‘M-Michael,’ he whispered, staring at the first body. Familiar auburn curls, bloodstained and matted down, and Gavin forced himself to look away before the rope swung enough for him to see his face.

But despite how hard he wished he wouldn’t, his eyes turned to the body just beyond that. ‘Ray.’ He sobbed. ‘Ryan. Jack-’ They were all there, all of them, hanging from the ceiling with ropes around their necks as they swung, slowly, slowly, turning to face him as he cowered against the door.

‘Is this what you want?’ Geoff taunted from where he’d appeared beside him. ‘Because this is what will happen.’

Gavin barely felt himself form the words to reply. ‘What?’ he rasped, eyes never leaving the bodies in front of him. He felt their accusing stares on him, through him, but he couldn’t bring himself to raise his eyes to theirs.

‘I mean…’ Geoff said, and a hard push from behind sent Gavin flying forward into the bodies. ‘You did this!’

Gavin screamed, lashing out blindly when he felt the cold hands on his neck, his shoulder, scratching at his clothes and trying to drag him into the darkness.

‘You did this! You did it! It’s your fault!’ Geoff screamed, echoing around the room as Gavin lost his footing and the hand in his hair –Michael’s- pulled him to his knees with a deafening screech.

‘ _No!’_ Gavin screamed, tears pouring from his eyes as he struggled desperately, claws tearing through his clothes and skin and ripping him apart. ‘ _Help!’_

And Geoff’s laughter echoed his words as Gavin’s world faded, the painful hands releasing him, and he woke with a scream so sudden it lodged in his throat and he made no sound at all.

Gavin bolted upright and was on his feet within a second, barely avoiding sending himself into a further panic when the covers tangled around him. He ran for the light switch and flicked it on, spinning to face the room as his body heaved.

He didn’t move for nearly ten minutes, just taking strength from the fact he was alive. When he found it in him he slowly straightened off the wall and headed painfully for his bed, tapping the lamp on to reassure himself.

But he never made it to his bed, because when he tried to move he managed to take a step forward before his knees collapsed out from under him and he hit the floor with a thud.

He lost track of how rapidly he was breathing, of how hard his chest was constricting as he sunk further into the throes of one of the worst panic attacks he’d ever had.

As reality swirled further and further away from him, Gavin put his head in his hands. He curled into a small ball on his bedroom floor, and he fell apart as in his head, his room fell apart around him.


	9. must be the boy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the extra wait, art collabs and work and shit  
> speaking of, just copy and paste the below link to see the hella rad art for this chapter: 
> 
> http://spontaneoushuman.tumblr.com/post/94898701933/kodie-has-been-writing-a-hella-au-with

Gavin woke with a start, yelping and tearing away from the hands on his shoulders. A moment later he forced himself to relax, peering up through his eyelashes at Geoff, who was leaning over him with sleepy but amused eyes.

‘Jesus, those pills really knocked you out.’ he commented, patting Gavin on the shoulder as he straightened from where he’d been leaning over him, shaking his shoulders to wake him up.

Gavin swallowed down the fear that rose in his throat, assuring himself that _this_ was Geoff and the thing from his nightmare last night wasn’t, and Geoff would never hurt him, never.

‘I- what?’ he managed. He rolled over and felt the material of his own sheets, and confusion rushed him, feeding the fear that seemed to be ever-present in his chest, until he remembered he’d dragged himself into his bed at some point after it had all finished.

‘The pills,’ Geoff repeated. ‘Sleeping pills. Pills to help you sleep.’

‘Alright! Alright. Bloody hell.’ Gavin interrupted, pulling himself into a sitting position. ‘What do you mean?’

‘Well, you didn’t make a sound last night. I came in to check on you at like five am and you were out like a light.’ Geoff told him, stretching out with a groan. Gavin paused, confused, before he realised that he’d dragged himself back into bed at around four thirty.

‘Oh. Is that the only time?’

‘Yep,’ Geoff said, popping the P obnoxiously as he gestured for Gavin to get ready.

‘Not any earlier?’ Gavin asked. He just wanted to make double sure, because if Geoff had seen him breaking down on the floor of his room in the middle of the night, then the illusion of Gavin’s fading sanity being perfectly stable would be shattered.

‘Uh, yeah, dude, if you mean exactly what I just said.’ Geoff said, suspicion lacing his tone.

Gavin ignored the underlying question in favour of getting out of bed, sucking in a breath when he was bombarded by flashbacks of the nightmare.

He offered a small smile to Geoff, who returned it after a moment of hesitation that left Gavin’s heart racing in his chest. Geoff left, shutting the door behind him now that he’d ensured the Brit was up, and Gavin did his best to ignore the whispered _He knows_ that came from the shadow in his mind.

It was this that made him rush to the mirror, and his stomach dropped when the marks from last night still littered his body. He touched one of them gently, and the pain that spiked out solidified the terrifying reality.

His mind started a mantra of _no, no, no, no,_ echoing through his brain until he grabbed his head with his hands and squeezed his eyes shut.

Breathe. Don't panic. Breathe.

Blinking rapidly, he brought himself back from the early stages of a panic attack and tried to think clearly.

He wasn’t sure if they were real or not, and that was the bottom line. How could they be real? It was a dream.

A _nightmare._  

But maybe he'd done it to himself?

Indecisiveness ruled his mind before he quickly threw a hoodie on over his shirt and pulled on his jeans.

Just to be safe.

The trip downstairs was uneventful, but he knew that meant nothing. The nightmare echoed in his mind, sharp claws and sharper words shredding his mind but _it wasn't real,_ and the family in front of him was.

He realised he was paused just outside the doorway. Fear and no small amount of hopelessness plagued him as he tried to prepare himself for the day ahead, but how could you prepare for something you couldn't help, couldn't stop, couldn't prevent? With no foreseeable end to it?

He was only getting worse. Worse and worse and worse and it wouldn't be too long before all the separate people pieced it together and _knew._

Forcing his lungs full of air, Gavin stepped through the doorway.

'Gavin,' Geoff grinned, and everything was normal. His family were sharing breakfast and poor jokes and waiting for him to join them and _their world wasn't ending._

With or without him, they were living life at a normal pace. He had to catch up.

His resolve was steeled.

This was his life, his family, his _future,_ and he’d worked for it. Like hell would he go down without a fight.

He’d figure it out later. Tonight, when he was alone. Until then, he would do his best to make it through the day.

‘Hey, sleeping beauty.’ Griffon greeted as Gavin took his seat at the table.

‘Shuddup.’ he mumbled in return, taking some toast from Geoff’s plate and taking a bite. He ignored Geoff’s protests and just smiled smugly at him, getting up to pour a drink. Geoff watched him as inconspicuously as possible, warmth filling his heart at the normality of Gavin’s regular antics.

He’d been worried. He hoped Gavin was back to normal with a good night of sleep and no nightmares.

‘So, feeling better then?’ Griffon asked, raising a delicate eyebrow as she allowed Geoff to feed her a bite of scrambled eggs. It was an interesting look, but she managed to pull it off.

‘Uh, yeah,’ Gavin said, staring down at the toast in his hand. He glanced up at her, saw she was watching, and took a painful looking bite before smiling at her and nodding.

‘No nightmares?’

‘Not a one.’ Gavin confirmed, but his gaze never met hers.

‘It’s true.’ Geoff supported. ‘As far as I know, I mean. I checked on him-’

‘The creeper,’ Gavin inserted.

‘-and he seemed alright.’ Geoff finished, a half-hearted glare directed his way.

Griffon laughed, her worries appeased. Gavin tuned her out as the conversation moved on, attention on the plate of food in front of him. He didn’t spare a thought to how ill it bode him to throw out his food yet again, simply focused on removing the plate of _god knows what_ from in front of him and subtly scraping it into the bin when everyone was distracted

He remained kind of distracted all the way to work, and Geoff felt some of his worry returning. ‘Hey, you sure you’re fine?’ he questioned lightly, giving the Brit a once over from the corner of his eye. He dimly registered that Gavin was wearing clothes that were way too fucking hot for such a time in such a place, but ignored it.

‘Tippy top, Geoffers.’ Gavin grinned, rolling his eyes. Geoff just smacked him on the shoulder and led him inside.

‘Whatever. I’ve gotta talk to Burnie, but I'll be at the office later.’

Gavin hummed in agreement and continued into the Achievement Hunter office, greeting Ray, who was the only one there. Doing a double take, he looked at the Puerto Rican, who held his hands up in defence.

‘What, dude, I can be early for once!’ he cried.

Gavin snorted a laugh. ‘Yeah, if there’s something that benefits you involved.’

Ray let him have that one, nodding his head in assent. ‘It’s true. Michael said he’d literally eat his shoe if I was here from six am straight through to ten pm, because he doesn’t believe I can wake myself up that early and be awake for so long.’

‘…. You normally can’t.’ Gavin laughed, clicking around on his computer distractedly.

‘Mmm. Thank the two redbulls and four coffees I’ve drank for this.’

‘Jesus, that’s a bloody lot of caffeine.’

‘I feel like God now, I’m so pumped up. I can fucking lift, bro! Lift buildings, throw cars. Read minds and shit, superman style.’

The comment was offhand, just a continuation of the joke they were running, but it sparked fear down in Gavin’s core and then the voice was back, directly in his ear. He forced himself to laugh, respond jokingly, ‘I don’t think superman reads minds.’

‘True.’ Ray allowed. ‘But I’m X-Ray, I don’t need to be superman.’ he stood, stretching slightly as Michael entered and made some shocked and impressed comment about Ray actually being there.  ‘Yup.’ Ray said, smug. ‘And if you’ll excuse me, more coffee. Want anything, Vav?’ he asked, and went to clap Gavin on the back as he passed.

For a second Gavin froze, rooted to the spot, mind screaming as all his internal warnings went haywire watching the hand descend in what seemed like slow motion.

_Don’t let him touch you. He’ll know._

Gavin could feel his heart start to race.

_He’ll know everything. Don’t let him **touch you.**_

Gavin pulled his chair back and slammed into his desk, staring at Ray as his hand froze and his expression morphed into one of confusion.

_He’s looking at you now. He knows. He knows._

‘Gavin?’ Ray asked slowly, staring at the frozen boy.

 ‘Uh,’ Gavin managed, but it came out weak and wavery/ He watched Ray’s hand drop as he leaned towards him in worry and Gavin instinctively backed up again, trapped between Ray and the desk. But thankfully Ray stopped, pulling back completely, concern and worry reigning on his face.

_You’re so stupid. Stupid._

‘I, uh,’ he tried, but found himself stopped again.

He mentally screamed at himself for having messed up already, despite the flash of optimism he'd had earlier. He'd only made it a few minutes into the day, his mind kept repeating. How are you supposed to survive if you can't even do this?

It only added to the onslaught of insults his mind- _not_ his mind, the _schizophrenia -_ was spewing at him.

 ‘Gav? What’s goin’ on, buddy?’ Ray asked slowly, sounding like he was talking to a trapped animal. He tried to make eye contact but Gavin’s eyes were everywhere but his, on the ground, the walls, the roof, the ground again. Everywhere but Ray.

‘Nothing,’ Gavin said.

_They’re all looking at you now._

‘Nothing,’ he repeated, this time more firmly. He forced himself to stand and edge out from between Ray and the desk, and thankfully Ray took the hint and backed up a few steps, confusion and concern etched onto his features.

Gavin cleared his throat to break the silence. ‘I’d love that coffee though, Ray.’ he said, and that was the last thing he said before he bolted out of the room, ignoring Ray’s call after him. He ducked into the bathroom, collapsing against the wall with a barely stifled cry.

The scratching had started at some point, working in sync with the voice taunting him over and over, insulting him and picking at him.

Gavin leaned his head in his hands, eyes screwed shut. He couldn't even tell if it was his voice or the schizophrenia anymore.

_They know. He knows._

His breathing was escalating quickly, tearing out of him in ragged gasps. How far gone was he?

_Now they’re all looking at you._

His chest was heaving, barely suppressed sobs burning through him. Was it too late?

_Staring at you. Through you. They know._

‘Fuck!’ he cried, hands gripping his hair so hard he thought he’d tear it out. He pulled his legs up and curled up into a small ball, pressing his lips together to prevent from making any more sounds.

_Always looking at you. Too late to fix it._

Tears ran down his face.

_Breaking down in the bathroom, minutes into the day. What will Geoff say? How will you explain it? How will you lie to them and pretend you’re sane, when you’re a mentally deranged, damaged, insane schizophrenic?_

He couldn’t even bring himself to plead with it, with the hallucinations, with the voice that wasn’t _his_ that was tearing him apart. He was feeling too broken and far too fearful to say a word in the otherwise silent bathroom.

_How will you explain the hallucinations? The lies? They hear you talking to yourself. They know._

Hopelessness just caused him to cry harder, nails digging into his head so hard he felt a small trickle of blood run down his face.

_They’ll take you away, back to us._

He reached up to wipe it away and the sight of blood reminded him, throwing him back into the nightmare for a split second before he was jerked back into reality. He hauled himself off the floor and ran to the mirror.

_They’ll hate you, just like they should, because they know._

His bloodshot, red rimmed eyes stared at him from a tired face, but that’s not what he was looking for. He dragged his hoodie off and lifted his shirt.

And he stared at the scratch marks on his body.

They flickered in and out. One moment they looked solid and terrifying, but the next they barely appeared there. Another of the hallucinations to make him paranoid, to make him doubt that line between reality and insanity.

Or was it? They _felt_ real.

‘Are you real?’ he asked himself, prodding at one of them. A pang of pain flashed out and he hissed. ‘Are you real? You feel real. Are you real?’

He realised he sounded insane. He dug his fingers further into one. ‘Are you real? What are you? Are you fake? What are you?’

He was getting louder but he didn’t realise, fixated on the marks that faded in and out and taunted him, pressing it in that he couldn’t even distinguish hallucinations from reality any more. His sanity shattered away with every shout.

‘Are you real? _Are_ you? Are you _fucking real?! What’s real anymore?! Nothing! Nothing is real!’_

The sound of the door pushing open and Ray stepping in was very real indeed.

They both froze, staring at each other. Silence reigned before Ray stepped slowly forward, letting the door shut quietly behind him.

‘Gavin?’ he whispered, and it sounded harsh in the quiet.

‘I… I don’t…’

Ray just looked at him, and even though his brain was blissfully silent Gavin could hear the echoes from before.

_They look at you, and they know._

‘I don’t know.’ Gavin whispered, staring at the ground.

‘Gavin…’

 ‘It’s nothing.’ Gavin interrupted.

‘You were just… screaming at a mirror…’

Gavin went to reply but stopped. He didn’t know how to explain.

'Gavin,' Ray's voice was hard. 'You're acting really fucking weird, and I'm not above calling Geoff.'

'Don't...' Gavin managed, but he was distracted. ‘Wh- What do you see?’

‘What?’ Ray blinked, thrown off by the sudden change in conversation.

‘Just tell me! Please.’ Gavin asked, but it came out more like a sob. His own hysteria seemed to calm Ray, the Puerto Rican backing up another few steps and taking a few deep breaths, holding his hands up in a placating manner.

After a few moments he spoke up. ‘What do I see? You, the bathroom… you don’t look to good, man, you don’t look too good at all.’

His voice cracked on the last words.

‘No,' Gavin shook his head wildly, 'I mean _what,_ exactly. Please.’

Ray looked at him. ‘Kind of… insane? You look sick.’

‘Nothing on my body? That shouldn’t be there?’

‘What? Um…’ The Puerto Rican moved closer, trying to find some abnormality that Gavin could be so freaked out about. ‘Nothing.’

‘Nothing?’

‘No! Should I? Do you… Have you found something?’

‘No. It’s nothing.’

‘You shouldn’t fuck around, cancer is-’

‘It’s not cancer, Ray!  I don’t have anything like that. I just look… different.’

‘How?' Ray finally demanded, impatient and confused. 'Why don't you tell me _how_ , so instead of standing here looking insane, you actually give us something to work with! What the fuck's up with you, man?’

Gavin remained silent before looking at him. ‘It’s nothing. You should go.’

‘Not until you tell me what the fuck is up.’

‘No, Ray, I can’t,’ he said firmly,

'You're so different. You're hiding some bullshit, and you're changing. Geoff won't talk to us. If Michael knows, he won't talk to us. All I'm seeing is a completely different person wearing your fucking skin.'

_A completely different person._

Ray leaned against the wall when Gavin didn't answer. ‘Isn’t shit like this only meant to happen in fanfictions?’ he muttered bitterly.

Gavin nodded, far more understanding than Ray ever knew. ‘I'm sorry,' he said, because that was all he could say.

'Sorry doesn't give an _explanation!_ You're screaming at a mirror, at _yourself-_ ' Ray cut off, looking uncomfortable, which was emphasised in the step back towards the door. 'It's fucking weird.'

Gavin ignored the pang of hurt. It was weird. 'Yeah,' he muttered after a moment. 'Please, Ray. Just… down low. Please.’

He was incredibly thankful the hallucinations were gone for now, his head silent enough that he could focus on getting through this. If the voice had still been going, or he’d been seeing things, God knew where he’d be right now.

Apart from the mental asylum, though Ray still looked like he could lean that way.

Gavin wasn’t sure if those were his own thoughts telling him that or not.

After a moment of hesitation, Ray caved. ‘Alright. Fuck.' he spat, running a hand through his hair. 'Okay, but seriously, you gotta talk to me. I know this isn’t like a fucking story, and I’m not going to obliviously let you sink into depression or shit, okay, so you gotta talk to me.'

Gavin shifted nervously, but he didn't need to respond.

'If this is a story, it’s gunna be one of those mushy ones, where it’s all okay and we get some sweet sex at the end. Right?’

He managed a choked laugh. ‘Right. Thank you, Ray.’

‘I’m dead goddamn serious.' Ray was trying to look angry but failing, the concern and confusion that Gavin was getting so used to seeing directed at him evident in his eyes. 'You and I are going to talk.’

‘Just not now.’ Gavin interjected, wringing his hands and resiting the urge to run his hands over the cuts on his stomach.

Ray sighed, resigned worry settling over him. ‘Yeah. Just not now.’

Having not even the slightest idea what he could do to help, or what he could do at _all_ aside from obey Gavin's wishes and leave, Ray did so. With a final glance at Gavin he pulled the door open, hesitating in the doorway.

'Talk to us,' he finally said, without even knowing why he said it. He hated the way it sounded, dramatic and final and hanging in the air, but it was all he could do.

He pulled the door shut before Gavin could respond.

‘I prefer the fanfics where I’m a superhero,’ he muttered as he exited, ‘and I save the day and shit. Not where I’m some helpless fucking out of the loop asshole who barges in on personal shit. Dear God, or fucking Buddha whoever the fuck’s up there, make me the hero here, thanks.’

And with that Gavin could no longer hear the Hispanic, his voice too quiet and too far away to pick up.

He sighed a breath of relief, but he felt his hands start to shake. His breakdown was over, yes, but he felt no better than when he had begun. Of course, that was rarely how they worked.

Trying to swallow away the dryness in his throat, Gavin lifted his shirt to look at the cuts.

_Gone._

Yanking his shirt down as if it had burnt him, Gavin backed away, shaking his head. No. He didn't care if they were real or not. It didn't matter, it _didn't matter_ , they had no control over him.

He couldn't afford to freak out. He was so _sick of it._

He tugged his hoodie on and remained in the bathroom just a few more moments, gathering his courage, and it was a mistake. The whispers returned, much more quiet and subdued than before, but still audible.

 _They know,_ they whispered, over and over in his mind. _He knows._

And when he saw Ray watching him for the remainder of the day, eyes barely leaving the shaking Brit, he feared that it was true. That whatever Ray knew was enough to let him start piecing it together, start figuring it out, and while Gavin loved his friends to the end of the universe he was scared.

Because he knew them.

Because Ray would try and help, and Gavin couldn’t let him in. 


	10. who can't stop crying,

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yo just copy and paste the link below to feast your eyes on the fabulous fucking art my friend joy made, go check it and her out: 
> 
> http://spontaneoushuman.tumblr.com/post/94899133973/my-friend-kodie-is-writing-a-amazing-story-with

Gavin had had a long few days.

Between the concerned glances of his colleagues, the now constant barrage of hallucinations that were now auditory, visual _and_ tactile, and trying to ignore it all and pretend he was totally fine, he was exhausted.

And none the better for any of it. Nobody was convinced he was okay and the hallucinations were only getting worse, and no amount of denial could convince himself otherwise.

He’d arrived home and gone straight up to his room, same routine as the past few days. He didn’t like secluding himself, didn’t like shutting himself off from his friends or family, but he could see no other way. The hallucinations were near impossible to ignore unless addressed directly, and that wasn’t really an option in a tiny room packed with five or six people.

So he spent most of his time hiding, really. Hiding, thinking, sometimes crying, and generally sinking into a hole of depression, loneliness and a liberal amount of constant paranoia. He was in the process of burying himself under the covers when he heard a knock at his door.

Debating between telling them to go away or trying to convince them he was fine, Gavin eventually settled on saying ‘Come in!’ and pulling himself into a sitting position. He already had a smile plastered on his face and an excuse on his lips when Michael entered and completely destroyed any semblance of a plan.

‘Oh.’ Gavin managed, blinking at him. It was weird seeing Michael in his house, in his room. The two hung out together outside of work, yeah, but not in such an intimate setting.

He realised he’d been staring at the Jersey boy, who was staring right back with a raised eyebrow and arms crossed in front of his chest.

‘Um, hi,’ Gavin managed.

‘Okay.’ Michael nodded, as if that confirmed something.

‘Okay.’ Gavin replied, and continued to stare. After a moment Michael grew impatient and sat on the bed next to him, and the closeness of the gesture wasn’t lost on Gavin.

Michael sighed. ‘What’s wrong with you, Gavin?’

Gavin blinked at him. ‘Well that’s not very nice.’

Shaking his head, Michael gave him a look. ‘Seriously. What’s up with you?’

‘Nothing’s up with me!’ Gavin replied, slightly miffed. Michael put his hands out in a _tone it down_ gesture, and Gavin pulled a face. ‘For your information, I’m fine. Just sick.’

‘Right. And sickness explains this?’

For a moment Gavin was confused, but when Michael reached out and grabbed his wrist, dragging his jumper up and displaying the scratches littering his skin, Gavin was just wordless.

‘Ray told you?’ he whispered, feeling betrayed. Michael nodded. ‘Why? I thought- He said he couldn’t see anything…’

‘Because I asked,’ Michael told him, looking down at the covers. When he looked back up, he looked almost… shy? ‘Because I’m worried. About you.’

Gavin opened his mouth to speak but was interrupted.

‘You know I care about you, right.’ Michael said, but it wasn’t a question. ‘So when my boi starts acting weird and jumpy, you’re not sleeping, I get worried. Start thinking maybe something’s happened.’

Gavin shook his head immediately but still didn’t get a chance to speak. Michael’s face twisted, mouth pulling into an ugly sneer. ‘At home. Geoff acts awful strange, so I think maybe _he’s_ the one doing it to you.’ His voice sounded familiarly strange now, dark and menacing. ‘So I took care of him for you.’ And Gavin saw it, saw Michael’s beautiful hands tightening around Geoff’s throat.

Almost as soon as it happened it was gone and Gavin was back in reality, staring at Michael who looked more concerned than ever.

‘Can you, uh- Can you repeat that?’ Gavin croaked. Michael narrowed his eyes in concern.

‘I said that yeah, I’m worried, and it’s really corny and shit but I want you to tell me what’s wrong so maybe I can help you.’

Relieved but also very unnerved at the fact that his mind had altered the conversation so easily, Gavin shook his head. ‘No, thanks though. You should, uh, you should go.’ He didn’t want him to go, not even remotely, but he knew he should.

But Michael was Michael, stubborn and strong willed, so instead of being scared off he stood and encased a gentle hand around Gavin’s wrist. ‘Not a chance. Come on, let’s get out of this room, it’s stuffy and… you know.’

Gavin looked at him curiously, at the blush that was rising slightly on his freckled cheeks, and allowed himself to be led to the door. ‘Wait, where are we going?’ he asked. ‘I have to tell Griffon and Geoff.’

Michael smiled at him, corner of his eyes crinkling, and the hand around his wrist slid tentatively down into his hand. ‘Do you, though?’ he murmured, and Gavin found himself tiptoeing down the stairs and sneaking out the front door.

The cold air of night time hit him immediately and he wished he’d brought a coat, but it was too late now. Oddly enough, Michael’s hand didn’t seem to be any warmer than the outside air, and when Gavin mentioned that to him he just shrugged.

‘Doesn’t mean I have to let go,’ he replied, and Gavin just stared at their entwined hands. 

‘What’s with… this?’ he asked. It was absolutely weird and completely out of the blue, but it didn’t mean he didn’t like it. It was just… some context would have been nice. Hand holding wasn’t something that occurred between them often.

‘I wanted to hold your hand.’ Michael shrugged again, still leading him away. ‘If you had a problem with it I imagine you would have let go by now.’

And Gavin couldn’t argue with that. It _was_ weird, but he didn’t mind the affection. It wasn’t the most common of occurrences from the Jersey boy to him. He briefly entertained the thought of more… serious affection between them before tearing his mind away and focusing on what was ahead.

‘Where are you taking me?’ he asked, realising Michael hadn’t stated their destination.

‘Just out of that house. It’s stuffy, like I said, and… kinda weird, no offense, in your room. Like something’s wrong.’ Gavin stared at him but Michael refused to elaborate, veering them off to the right instead. ‘This’ll do, I guess.’ he said, analysing the bridge before shrugging.

‘Do for what?’ Gavin asked, a prickle of unease stabbing at him.

‘For talking to you. About stuff. Christ, I don’t know what to say.’ Michael laughed, and the hand around his was suddenly holding tight.

‘Talking about… what?’ Gavin asked hesitantly.

‘Oh, for God’s sake, stop looking at me like I’m gunna eat you, I just want to talk.’ Michael assured him.

Gavin nodded mutely.

‘Since you’ve been acting all shades of fucked up lately, I decided better now than never.’ When Gavin looked at him, unspoken question dancing in his eyes, Michael sighed and looked at him like he was hopeless. ‘To, I don’t fucking know, display my affection for you, or whatever. Jesus. I like you, Gavin.’

He let it sink in for a moment as he walked towards the edge of the bridge, looking over the safety rail and at the dark waters below.

‘Yeah. Like that. And I’ve been assured from multiple sources that you could possibly, and please fucking correct me if I’m wrong, harbour feelings towards me too. So if that’s the case, feel free to jump in now.’

Gavin was just staring at him, emotions running through him. No, he didn’t really have a _crush_ on him, but there were underlying feelings, of course there were – You couldn’t have a friendship like theirs without having some serious connection. He’d thought about it, and tried not to dwell too hard on their painfully intimate moments because there had never been the opportunity before, but now that it was an inkling of a possibility he found himself completely thrown as to what to say.

‘I just… Why now?’

Michael sighed. ‘Really? We have to do the whole questions thing?’ he asked, stepping closer to Gavin. They were close now, close enough to put Gavin on the edge of either moving away or kissing him, and since he had no idea what was really going on he chose to step back.

Michael’s hand shot out to grasp at his wrist again, but when he saw the fear in Gavin’s eyes he immediately let go. ‘Sorry,’ he muttered. ‘New to this. What do you want me to say? Feelings, blah blah, for a while, and now I’m showing you because I want to know if you have them back.’

‘But why now?’ Gavin asked again, hand rubbing at his wrist.

Irritation flashed through Michael’s eyes again, and Gavin automatically took another small step back. He watched Michael’s eyes follow his feet before they flashed up to his and offered a smile. ‘Because I just got the courage to do it, and I thought with everything going on lately….’

‘What do you mean, everything going on lately?’ Gavin questioned.

‘For Christs sake! I just want an answer!’ Michael growled, stepping forward. The unease that had been prickling through Gavin earlier was starting to grow into full-fledged fear. He looked around and hoped that the fact that Michael had taken him out here, alone, had no nefarious reasoning behind it.

Michael took a deep breath and made a show of calming down, hands out where Gavin could see them as he closed the distance between them once more. ‘Do you like me or not, Gavin?’ he asked, and Gavin found himself lost for words.

‘I don’t… This is a bloody lot to lay on a bloke, don’t you think-’

‘I just want a yes or no answer, Gav.’ Michael murmured, closing the distance completely. His chest was nearly pressed against Gavin, who realised he was backed up against the railing. He would have felt uncomfortable at that fact but Michael was _right there,_ eyes never leaving Gavin’s lips as he spoke.

‘Just a yes, or a no.’

‘I don’t know.’ Gavin mumbled again, feeling claustrophobic.

‘Maybe I can help you figure it out.’ Michael whispered, and he kissed him.

Instead of feeling sweet or tentative it felt cold and _wrong,_ and it was right about the time he realised Michael’s hands were grabbing tight to his wrists and he was pinned completely to the railing on a bridge, alone, in the middle of the night, that Gavin’s survival instincts kicked in.

Too little, too late.

He gave a muffled yell and yanked away from Michael, not even noticing the lack of resistance, but he froze when he felt Michael- _not Michael-_ pull away and gave a horrific grin.

‘What’s wrong, Gavin?’ It demanded, its voice raw and just as wrong as the kiss it had given him, as the hands that remained around his wrists.

‘Oh my god.’ Gavin whispered, panic tearing through his body. He backed away and stumbled backwards, leaving Michael- _not Michael, damn it! –_ standing next to the railing.

It laughed, long and low, nothing like Michael’s rapid fire laughter. It flexed its hands and held them up to the light of the street post, examining them.

Michael's eyes darted up to meet Gavin's, and cold dread began to pool in his stomach.

' _No,_ ' he whispered.

As he watched, Michael ~~it wasn't Michael yes it was~~  stepped backwards until it was against the railing. He couldn’t make his voice work as it gripped the railing and vaulted over it, landing on the small concrete ledge on the other side.

It was only when it smirked at him and looked meaningfully at its loose grip on the railing that he felt himself run forward, a scared ‘No!’ escaping his lips. It hesitated, eyes on the water below.

'No?' Michael's head tilted to the side.

Gavin felt himself stop again, and it took one hand off the railing threateningly.

‘No! God, no! No!’ He cried, crossing the last few steps to the railing. It watched him before slowly moving back, retaking hold of the railing. Gavin reached the edge a metre away from it and paused, unsure as whether to proceed.

It lifted a hand and beckoned him with a finger, and he felt himself stumbling towards it. It took hold of his collar but didn't pull him, no, there was no pressure as it _guided him_. He moved of his own accord and he was hanging half over the railing, staring down at the waters below.

'Jump,' Michael said in his ear. 'Just jump. I'll jump with you.'

Gavin felt it all building up.

His mind flashed to Ryan, catching him at work the other day to ask if he was feeling better.

To Griffon, constantly reaching out to try and get Gavin to talk.

To Geoff, too worried about pushing the previously non-existent boundaries between them to keep asking Gavin what was wrong with him.

To Ray, watching him suspiciously.

To Jack, who kept passing on the mail Gavin had received that said 'Get well soon!'

Get well soon.

He was sick.

He was so _sick_.

Gavin stepped over the railing and looked at the dark water below.

If he went now, before everybody knew...

' _Jump,’_ Michael whispered in his ear.

To Michael, giggling and nudging him, 'You're being weird as fuck lately, Gavvers, but you're still my boi.'

This wasn't Michael.

Survival instinct kicked in once more and Gavin grabbed the railing and threw himself back over it, hitting the cement on the safe side of the bridge with a solid _thunk_.

Michael lunged forward but Gavin scrambled away.

After a moment, Michael stood, let go of the railing and stood balancing precariously on the edge, watching him and waiting for him to make a move. It swayed and he reached out to grab it before he forced himself to pause.

This wasn't Michael.

_But what if it was Michael's body?_

Gavin didn't notice the difference in the thought. He didn't realise it wasn't his own.

The only thing he could focus on was the cold numbing fear that had filled him. _What if it was Michael's body?_

Gavin's eyes darted up to meet Michael's, but it showed no sign that indicated it was aware of the thought, and that only served to cement the thought deeper.

_It could be Michael._

Gavin shook his head and took a tiny step back, refusing to believe it.

'Please, Gavin,' Michael said. ' _Please._ '

Backing away a tiny bit more, Gavin shook his head. He didn't hear his own quiet sob as Michael leaned back and finally, gravity took hold, and as if in slow motion he passed the point of no return.

Without even realising Gavin had ran back to the edge, almost cracking his ribs as he threw himself against the railing and watched Michael start to fall. Michael stared up at him, silently, arms pin wheeling. He reached up in a silent plea for Gavin to catch him but Gavin didn’t, doing nothing more but stare down at Michael as he fell.

When he heard a splash, distant and very quiet, Gavin felt his heart break. He pulled his exhausted body away from the railing and sunk to the concrete, tired down into his bones but feeling the need to get _off this bridge_ and back somewhere familiar, if not safe. His hand subconsciously reached for the necklace around his neck, the only beacon of hope in this nightmare, and he begged to whatever gods were above that he was right.

He hadn’t seen the hallucination _it **was** a hallucination it had to have been_ wearing the diamond necklace that matched the creeper one Michael had bought Gavin, and Michael never, _never took_ his off. Michael wouldn't convince him to jump. It wasn’t Michael on that bridge.

He started to make his way home, some part of him he hadn’t known existed taking over and dragging him back the way he’d came. It couldn’t have been Michael he killed, and he knew that. None of it made any sense, none of it. It definitely hadn’t been Michael.

There’s no way it had been Michael.

Please, God, don’t let it have been Michael.


	11. or maybe the one

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sort of regular updates heyo
> 
> /rips shirt off and yells/ MAAVIIIINN  
> sorry for the wait and yeah  
> read & review, yo

Gavin was halfway home, shivering hard from adrenaline and cold and downright _terror,_ when he finally broke his resolve. He reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone, bypassing the messages he’d received from Griffon and Geoff and the several missed calls he had from them both.

He scrolled down his contact list and selected ‘Micoo’, trembling thumb barely hesitating before he pressed the little green call symbol and slowly lifted the phone to his ear.

It run once, twice.

Gavin forced himself to swallow.

Three times, four.

He tried to ignore the bad feeling twisting in his gut.

Five, six, seven. 

_No, please God, pick up please please please-_

Eight, nine, ten.

He could hear his ragged breathing, the only noise in the cold night, and it was picking up rapidly.

The phone rang out.

Gavin stared down at the phone in his hands as it blurred, seeming further and further away the longer he looked. He felt his chest tighten and begin to hurt, the air flow he desperately needed failing to be enough.

He wanted to throw his phone- To peg it as hard as he could and just run until he couldn’t run anymore. He wanted to cry, to break, to go back to that bridge and throw himself over the edge and into the swirling depths that Michael had disappeared under.

But he didn’t. Instead, he pressed the call button again and felt numbness spread through him.

He’d killed him. He had.

The phone began its ringing cycle, and Gavin couldn’t find it in him to focus on the screen. His brain felt like it was shutting down, his body refusing to move.

And somebody picked up.

‘Yo,’ the voice greeted, sounding slightly annoyed.

Who was this? This wasn’t Michael.

‘Hello?’

This wasn’t his Michael.

A few seconds passed. ‘I –Fucking, hello?’ the voice said again, this time demanding. ‘Gavin?’

Gavin didn’t know this voice. He didn’t know who he was talking to. The longer he stared, the more he felt himself swirl further and further away from consciousness. His vision was blurring, and he realised he was sinking into another panic attack.

At the silence, the voice was concerned. ‘Gavin? Are you okay?’

…

‘Gavin?’

_This was Michael._

‘Hello?’ Gavin managed, forcing his voice to work, to break through the darkness and confirm this was real.

_Michael, Michael, this was **Michael**._

‘Gavin? Are you alright? What the fuck, dude, it’s dick o’ clock in the morning!’

His voice was so harsh, so angry. Gavin whimpered.

Instantly Michael was contrite, apologetic, worried. ‘What’s wrong? Gavin? Where are you?’

‘Come get me, Michael,’ Gavin whispered.

‘Okay,’ Michael replied instantly. ‘Okay, where are you?’

Where was he? He couldn’t think.

‘Gavin?’ Michael sounded different, scared. ‘Gavin?’ he demanded again, voice rising.

‘Near… the bridge. The graffiti bridge.’

‘Near your house?’ Michael questioned. Gavin could faintly hear the sound of keys jingling, a door opening and closing.

‘Mm.’ Gavin murmured his assent, feeling the fear draining now he knew Michael was here, Michael was coming.

‘Gavin, what’s wrong? Are you hurt?’

‘No,’ he mumbled. Why did he feel so exhausted?

‘What’s wrong?’ He could barely hear Michael over the sound of the car engine.

Gavin couldn’t find an answer for that. His exhaustion was overtaking him, filling him where he could barely feel anything. He was numb, now, couldn’t even find it within himself to be relieved that Michael was alive. He just felt so _tired._

‘I need you.’ he murmured, and he wasn’t even sure he’d actually said it until he heard Michael exhale loudly in the phone.

‘I’m almost there.’

Gavin could hear the car, the engine loud and drumming in the surprisingly quiet night. He heard a car door slam and when he blinked up at Michael he realised the man was in front of him, repeating his name.

‘Gavin!’

He felt himself get hauled to his feet, where he swayed unsteadily. Michael stared at him, his eyes reflecting fear and confusion back at Gavin.

‘What?’ Gavin murmured. Michael ran his hands over him, turning him slightly, and Gavin looked up at him in confusion. ‘What are you doing?’

Michael replied ‘Checking’ at the same moment Gavin realised he was checking him over for injuries, making sure he was physically okay. Affection swelled and broke the wall of numbness that had buried him and suddenly Gavin was crying, embarrassing sobs that wrenched from his throat and left him burning with shame.

Michael wrapped his arms around him and Gavin held tight, burying his face in his shoulder and just letting go, the fear and the pain and the terror and paranoia and hatred and anger and _everything_ that had been building up in him since he’d started the relapse, all of it started to drain out into the warm arms that held him tight.

‘It’s alright.’ Michael hushed, one hand stroking circles on his back. It took a little while, but eventually Gavin began to calm, the hysteria gone and leaving him drained, but nowhere near the level of exhaustion he’d felt before.

He realised he’d been in shock.

_Shock._

He’d thought he’d killed Michael, thought he’d shoved the man only now encasing him in comfort and warmth over the edge of that empty bridge and into the cold water below.

The thought made him hug harder, cling tighter. He couldn’t imagine letting go.

‘What’s wrong, Gavin?’ Michael murmured, sensing the change. ‘What happened?’

Gavin just buried his face further into Michael’s shoulder again, shaking his head. Michael didn’t comment, just pulling him closer and making small hushing noises.

Gavin never realised how much the Jersey man meant to him until that moment. He shuddered, tried to calm himself. He wanted to see Michael’s face.

‘I’m okay.’ he murmured after a few moments, pulling himself gently away. Michael didn’t respond, simply tilting his head so he could catch Gavin’s eye.

‘Are you?’ he questioned softly, and Gavin wasn’t sure if he imagined the hint of teasing. Swallowing down a small smile, he shook his head. He pulled back a little more and became aware of Michael’s arm still around his waist, and aware of the other hand tangled gently in his hair.

‘Michael.’ he said, and it sounded _right._ It was him, Gavin knew it.

And a second later, Gavin realised just how his utterance of the other man’s name had sounded, just in time for Michael to tilt his head, lean in and kiss him.

Gavin’s eyes slipped closed of their own accord, lips tingling softly at the sensation of warmth and comfort that Michael was giving him. Nothing was wrong, and that fact in itself was more than Gavin could have asked for.

That thought in mind, he pressed closer and deepened the kiss, licking out gently with his tongue and accepting the entry Michael granted him. Their tongues slid against each other as he deepened the kiss, and he realised it was physically calming him down.

But he focused more on the beauty of it. He could still feel Michael’s hand in his hair, pressing softly, encouraging, and the other around his waist- pulling him closer, using him as leverage. The small noises Michael made when Gavin teased him gently and the way his lips parted further when Gavin urged him so.

And soon, far too soon, the kiss ended. Slowly, with both of them pulling away, and the cliché moment of resting their foreheads against each other.

Finally, Michael opened his eyes.

‘That was… alright, I guess,’ he mumbled, and Gavin laughed for the first time in what felt like a long time.

Michael smiled too, but then he straightened and pulled away, running a hand through his unruly curls in a nervous tic now that the moment was broken. ‘You promise you’re alright?’ he asked, and Gavin flicked his eyes to the ground and wrestled down the urge to shake his head and wrap his arms back around Michael.

Instead he nodded.

Michael swallowed. ‘So you want to tell me what’s going on, or...?’

His sentence trailed off, waiting for Gavin to fill in the blanks. After a few moments of silence, he shifted. ‘It’s alright,’ he urged. Gavin just turned his gaze back to the ground.

‘Has R- Has anyone said anything?’ he questioned, eyes flicking up to meet Michael’s. The curly haired man frowned.

‘No? Geoff keeps saying you’re sick, but he doesn’t say with what or why he hasn’t taken you to the doctor. I mean, I guess you’re obviously not actually sick, if this is any explanation. But you’ve been fucking weird lately, and no one knows why.’

Gavin felt a small thrill of fear shoot through him. He didn’t want to talk about this. He was finally feeling better, feeling okay, and Michael, despite having been the one to build it, could bring it all crashing down on him.

He knew Michael deserved to know, or at least deserved an explanation, but he couldn’t give it to him. So he shook his head, giving Michael the biggest pleading eyes he could manage. ‘Please, not now,’

‘Gavin-’

‘I’ll tell you soon. But please. I just…’ He didn’t want to say he was happy now, that he didn’t want anything to ruin the miniature sanctuary Michael had built for him, but he could already feel it crumbling. ‘Not now?’ he asked again, sounding far more tired than he’d intended.

Michael exhaled noisily. ‘Soon?’ he asked, and he tried to keep the annoyance out of his tone. Gavin shot him a thankful look.

‘Soon,’ he agreed quickly.

Michael frowned. ‘Very soon. Promise.’ He tapped the side of Gavin's face twice with two fingers.

Gavin looked trapped, and Michael tried to ignore the smugness he felt. _Got him._

Sure, he shouldn’t feel smug about cornering his friend into talking about something he clearly didn’t want to talk about, but Christ, this had gone on long enough. Michael wanted answers, and Michael wanted answers _now._

But, looking at Gavin, at his eyes still red-rimmed and filled with exhaustion, soon would suffice.

Slowly, Gavin nodded. ‘I promise.’ he whispered, and it was as if all the energy in him had gone out.

‘Want me to take you home?’ Michael offered, but Gavin immediately looked horrified. ‘Okay, okay, uh- my house?’ he backtracked, searching for what he’d said wrong.

Gavin nodded, calming down slightly. ‘I have to call Griffon and Geoff. I think they’re worried sick.’

Michael looked surprised. ‘Oh. Yeah, sure, go for it.’ When Gavin only stared at the ground some more, he sighed. ‘Want me to do it?’ he offered. ‘I can say you had to come out and meet me, and it was my fault.’

‘No, no,-’

But Michael was already walking away, phone in his hand and up to his ear. Gavin could hear him speaking quietly, shooting the occasion glance his way, but he tried his best to ignore it. Instead, he played in his head the kiss, how Michael had looked, how he’d felt, how he’d sounded.

It brought him back to a happy place, and when Michael walked back with a small smile on his face, directed purely at him, Gavin couldn’t decide whether to be scared of how vulnerable these… emotions left him to his own mind and the tricks it so liked to play, or relieved he temporarily had a sanctuary.

Because he was falling, and he was falling deep.

But Michael took his hand in his as they walked the short walk to the car, and the smile he offered was full of so much uncensored affection and concern and _love_ that Gavin found himself forgetting just why that could be bad, and leaning more and more into Michael’s side.

He'd forgotten what it felt like, but now it was the sweetest thing he'd ever tasted.

Hope.


	12. who kept on trying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fucking euuugghh  
> this story  
> i  
> h a t e  
> it  
> well atm anyway but i have to finish it bcos I won't be that asshole that leaves it hanging so i'll keep on posting  
> it just  
> yeah  
> might not be the best  
> anyway apologies for the wait but I posted a longer than planned chapter for this, and there'll be maybe one more calmish before the storm and then yeah
> 
> alSO I'm gunna start this long ass fic for a different fandom (RVB) so here's your honourary heads up, sorry to those who are subscribed who are probs gunna unsubscribe so as not to be inconsistently receiving updates for shit u dont care about   
> but ily you all anyway and yeah okay for real here's the fic
> 
> read & review, yo

He spent most of the car ride curled as small as possible into the passenger seat of the car, taking comfort from Michael’s presence beside him. The drive seemed to take a long time, a lot longer than it took for Michael to get to him in the first place, and Gavin wasn’t sure if it was because of all the speed limits Michael had broken in order to get to him or because Gavin’s sense of time had been severely fucked over by his spiral into shock.

Either way, it didn’t matter. Gavin felt like he could stay there forever. The windows were up, the heater was on full blast and Michael had pulled a small car blanket out of nowhere and draped it over him. The concerned glances he kept shooting Gavin’s way only made the sense of safety he was cocooning himself in all the stronger.

But like all good things in life, it couldn’t last forever.

And despite Gavin’s pitiful whine when they did pull into Michael’s garage, he was pulled from his safe haven and into the cold air. He was quick to lose body heat again, his deteriorating mental health having had an adverse effect on his body and making him all the more susceptible to sickness and physical ailments.

Michael noticed his shivering but made no comment, pushing down the wave of concern to instead get them inside his apartment and out of the cold first. As soon as he had and the door was locked behind them he was quick to bustle Gavin to the couch and push him down onto it, grabbing some spare blankets from the hall cupboard and throwing them on top of him.

‘You not gunna join me?’ Gavin murmured, and he only realised how hard he was shivering when he heard his teeth chatter.

Michael grumbled but moved next to him anyway, lifting the blankets and snuggling surprisingly close to Gavin. When the younger man blinked sluggishly at him, the redhead squirmed slightly.

‘Body heat,’ he mumbled in explanation, but his cheekbones were tinted with the slightest flush of red.

Gavin just nodded and yawned, tucking his head into Michael’s shoulder and letting himself truly relax, for the first time in… well, he’d lost track of time. When you barely slept and you weren’t sure what was real, the days truly seemed to meld into each other.

‘Hey, no sleeping, I wanted to talk.’ Michael nudged him gently out of his doze, unaware as to just how horrible that move was.

Gavin whined. ‘Please, I’m so tired…’

‘No, c’mon, I wanted answers.’

‘Please, Michael. I think I’m gunna pass out.’

‘Gavin-’

‘Just wake me up every four hours if you’re worried.’ Gavin mumbled, and immediately started to doze off.

‘What? I-- That’s for a concussion, and you said you weren’t injured.’

‘I’m fine.’

‘Oh, yeah, fine- That’s why you called me in the middle of the night.’

‘Michael.’ Gavin interrupted.

‘So I drove like fuck to make sure you’re okay –which was fine by the way don’t get me wrong, I’d always do it- but you’re not even offering an explanation, which kind of fucking sucks.’

‘Michael.’

‘C’mon, Gavin. I just think-’

‘Michael, I haven’t slept in nearly a week.’

The statement seemed to shock them both, but Gavin recovered before Michael did.

‘This is the first time I’ve felt relaxed enough to do it. This is the first time I’ve felt safe, or like it’s okay, or warm or comfortable or _protected,_ or like I won’t have nightmares that I won’t be able to get out of, and I'm so tired, I’m so goddamn _tired_.’

Michael was quiet. ‘Gav?’ he murmured, his voice nearly inaudible.

‘Please, Michael, let me sleep.’

‘Sure thing, Gav.’ The whispered assent was apologetic, and the only thing Gavin could think to do was wrap his arms fully around Michael and let himself slide into a deep sleep.

 

\---

 

He awoke the next morning to undeniable warmth at his side and a feeling of comfort that seemed to spread to his soul. He blinked his eyes open slowly, but the grin that spread across his face was lightning fast.

Warm arms wrapped around him and just centimetres away, Michael's eyelashes fluttered gently as he breathed evenly in and out.

He’d seen the Jersey boy sleeping before, of course, and had even spooned with him on multiple occasions. But something about the way the morning sun was illuminating his face, bringing out his freckles and making him scrunch his nose in his sleep was unquestionably cute.

Affection swelled, and Gavin did not hesitate to curl further into Michael’s side. He felt him stir and held his breath, but apart from that Michael was still. Gavin curled in closer and finally Michael shifted, wrapping a slow arm around his back and pulling him in to be pressed perfectly against his chest.

His mind never really had a chance to catch up, to remind him that he should be leaving, that he couldn't risk staying here, that he had to go. That staying here could end up a mistake, because he was just too unstable.

No, none of this crossed Gavin's mind.

Gavin just soaked up the warmth and drifted back off to sleep.

 

\---

 

Michael cluttered about the kitchen, making far too much noise than he felt he probably should with a sleeping man on his couch, but couldn't help the optimism that flowed through his veins.

He had a good feeling about today. He really did.

Even though he slammed the cupboard as he grabbed the coffee, banged the counter when he put the jar down and knocked over his cup when he went to put the coffee in it, he refused to be bothered. He just stopped for a moment, appalled at his own clumsiness, before shaking his head and putting everything in its right position.

‘He gon’ get woken up to a hot Americano,’ he said to himself, flicking the jug on, ‘Oh, and some coffee.’

With a smirk to himself he got the milk out of the fridge and set it on the counter, tapping his foot impatiently as he waited for the jug to boil. It finally clicked and hummed a song as he began pouring it, careful not to overdo the delicious yet pain in the ass milk to water ratio, when the first scream shattered the silence.

Michael started, knocking over the cup and splashing burning water all over himself. He dropped the jug and turned to run, bursting through the kitchen and out into the living room. What he expected to see he didn't know, but it couldn't have prepared him for it anyway.

He careened to a stop and froze, wondering if he had ever really woken up in the first place.

On the couch, still in the same place Michael had left him sleeping peacefully barely minutes ago, Gavin was convulsing violently, choking noises torn from his throat as his body arched with pain, rising off the sheets before he curled in on himself, the screams tapering off into loud whimpers.

His eyes shot open and Michael ran forward, dropping onto his knees in front of the couch and running a hand through Gavin’s hair. The younger man pulled violently away, retreating into the couch and staring at Michael through fearful eyes.

‘What’s wrong?’

The question was frantic, panicked, and Michael's hands flashed around rapidly as he tried to determine what had gone wrong.

Gavin shook himself, darting around Michael and into a standing position before Michael had time to react. Despite his speed Gavin was wobbly on his feet, dizzy and fragile. Michael moved to catch him if he fell but against odds he remained standing.

‘What’s happening, Gavin? Can you tell me?’

‘Sorry, Michael,’ Gavin apologised, blinking rapidly. ‘I woke up and it was cold…’

‘Cold?’

‘Cold is bad… bad.’

Gavin’s head twisted to the left and he seemed to stare at something, eyes widening slightly as a small intake of breath became audible in the small room.

‘What? What the fuck is going on?’

‘I… I’m sorry, Michael.’

‘Sorry for what?’ Michael tried, hands out and palms facing down as he moved slowly forward.

Gavin didn’t seem to hear, eyes caught staring at the corner. ‘Sorry for what?’ Michael repeated.

‘I woke up and you weren’t there… I was sleeping… they caught up. You weren’t _there_ -’ he cut off and spun, eyes on the roof, darting between the corners before flicking to Michael. ‘Not good,’ he whispered. ‘It’s not good.’

‘What’s not good, Gavin?’

‘No, not good at all, I have to go.’

‘Seriously!’ Michael cried, reaching out to grab Gavin by the shoulders. ‘ _Tell me what the fuck is going on!’_

He flinched away. ‘Sorry, Michael-’

‘No! What’s happening?! Why can’t you just fucking tell me?’

Gavin chewed his lip rapidly as he moved past Michael. ‘I have to go.’

‘No!’ Michael yelled, moving forward to grab him, to stop him, to hold him and keep him there until this whole thing, this whole _scenario_ was under control and Michael could help him. But the British man flinched back again, a full body flinch that sent him out of Michael's grip and left him clutching onto the door frame when he stumbled.

Michael didn't care. He moved forward, cornered Gavin against the door. ‘Seriously, this is it! You're not leaving until you tell me, Gavin, I just...'

Gavin didn't say anything, just watched Michael with terrified eyes and a chest heaving with something that could only be fear.

'Tell me,' Michael pleaded, 'I can't stand this anymore.'

But it didn't even look like Gavin considered it. He didn't even look _sorry._ There was no flicker of regret, no sign that he had any _idea_ what he did to Michael when he just shook his head and stared at him.

'You won't actually keep me, Michael.'

Michael spluttered, but he moved back a step. 'What the fuck?' he managed, confused and angry and _hurt yes that was definitely hurt, Gavin was hurting him._

Gavin hesitated, hands wrapped painfully tight around the door frame. ‘Sorry,’ he said, and the look that flashed in his eyes was the last thing Michael saw before he pulled the door shut behind him and left Michael alone.

Michael didn't feel so good about the day anymore. He wasn't sure why he ever had.

\----

 

Gavin pushed the door to the Ramsey residence open slowly, trying his best to stop it from creaking. Griffon was good at keeping things oiled but the old springs were incorrigible, and despite persistent oiling and Gavin’s best attempts, they creaked open dramatically.

The door shut with a muffled thump behind him and he turned around, only to come face to face with Geoff. He jumped, tried to hide it, knew he failed in the way Geoff’s eyes narrowed further and zeroed in on him.

He cleared his throat and tried a ‘Hey, Geoffrey.’

The brief thought of _is this real?_ floated through his head and he closed his eyes, hoping for the best.

He was okay now. The whispers had faded, the shadows dissipated. There wasn't a single unnatural sensation to be found.

‘Gavin,’ Geoff eventually returned, staring at him evenly. ‘Where have you been?’

‘I thought Michael rung you. I’ve been at his.’ Gavin replied tiredly, reaching up to rub at his exhausted eyes. The sleep he’d managed to catch only made him feel like he was more tired.

‘Perhaps a better question is _what the fuck is going on?’_

‘Nothing, Geoffrey. I’m fine.’

‘Oh, that’s good,’ Geoff said, crossing his tattooed arms. ‘No, I’m glad you’re fine, because I was really starting to _fucking worry!’_

‘Please, Geoff-’

His head began to pound. He felt like he was going in circles, bumping from person to person and offering the same shitty excuses and getting absolutely nowhere. Nobody believed him.

That was the terrifying thing. Despite how goddamn _hard_ he was trying, nobody believed him.

Why didn’t he just give up?

‘Don’t “please Geoff” me. I want a goddamn answer, Gavin; I’m not a fucking idiot! None of us are!’

His words seemed to merge into each other, and Gavin didn't even have a chance to fight back. He was too tired, and he realised was nearly broken.

'I'm tired of you leaving us out of whatever happened to you, and this is where I draw the line. Explain.'

The shadows began to grow larger, claws and pointed teeth emerging. Gavin tore his gaze away and tried to focus on Geoff but the man blurred, and Gavin couldn’t hear anything over the high pitched buzzing that had started in his skull.

‘I…’ he managed before the world tilted and he fell, hitting the carpet with a thud. He felt hands on his body, rolling him onto his back, but he didn’t know what was going on.

He saw Geoff shouting words but heard nothing, saw only the panic in Geoff's eyes and the way the walls were thumping, cracking, breaking around him. His eyes rolled in his skull but he caught a glimpse of Geoff shouting into his phone, and with a Herculean effort raised his hand and grabbed it, throwing it with surprising strength across the room.

‘No hospitals.’ he spat weakly, begging his eyes to focus on Geoff’s so the older man got the message. ‘Please, for the love of God, no hospitals.’

His vision faded and he was on the brink of passing out, but he felt his hand clutch Geoff’s and the truthful murmur that passed his own lips.

‘They’ll take me.’


	13. mirror, mirror, on the wall

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tbh it's 12:30 and I just wanted this uploaded  
> unlucky 13, if you believe in that stuff. apparently this story does.  
> read & review, yo

When Gavin awoke, it was with a pounding headache and a sense of relief that the roof above him wasn’t a blinding white.

No, it was his own, and the sheer thankfulness that surged through him made him feel sick. He turned over and retched, noticing a bucket that had been left by his bedside in case. It was empty, and it remained empty, because the fact was he simply hadn’t eaten anything in the past however long.

He pulled himself up and forced his body to move, taking gradual steps out and down the stairs. He stopped by the bathroom for a drink and continued, licking his chapped lips. He looked in the mirror, and there wasn't the slightest spark of surprise when he saw the shadows start to shift, to grow.

'No,' he whispered hoarsely. 'No.'

Grasping the sink with both hands, Gavin shut his eyes. He forced every single part of his being into one effort, one hope to temporarily shove everything down. Goosebumps raised his skin but he didn't get scared, he got angry, and he heard himself growl with effort as he clenched the white sink and grit his teeth and _focused_.

He opened his eyes a moment later, and the shadows were gone.

There was no relief. There was only a building apprehension, because when they returned, they'd come back stronger.

Slowly, his whole body weighing a tonne, Gavin made his way downstairs.

After the last slow steps off the staircase he found himself facing Griffon, who was standing there facing him with her hands deliberately on her hips, not delicately because Griffon didn’t do things delicately, she did them deliberately, and the way she looked at him deliberately told him his time must be coming to an end.

He found he didn’t have anything to say so he simply followed her in the kitchen, taking a seat at the table they’d frequented so happily before.

Geoff sat down last, eyes red rimmed and slightly puffy.

‘So,’ he said, voice cracking. ‘I would like an explanation.’

Silence reigned. Gavin stared at the table.

He _knew_ he owed them this much, as a friend, an employee, as part of the family. It was easy to rationalise why he should explain it to him, but the fact was he physically couldn’t. Every time he tried to open his mouth his body locked down, as if in some survival mode that was using last resorts to save him.

He knew he’d be deported if he told them, and he knew his life was here. He knew he couldn’t survive out there, and he knew he didn’t want to. He knew he had to tell them, and he knew he couldn’t do it. He knew they needed an explanation, and he knew they would never get one.

After staring silently at them for a while, Griffon reached across the table and took his hand.

‘You know… sexual assault is a very-’

Gavin never got to find out what sexual assault was, because the phone rang, and with a glare Geoff reached over and picked it up.

‘Yeah.' He listened intently for a moment and sighed, whole body sagging in relief. 'Good,' he said hoarsely, 'That's good. Day after tomorrow. Thank Christ.'

A few more words were spoken and Geoff hung up the phone.

Curiosity spiked within Gavin for a moment before fading away into the nothing that seemed to be all he could feel lately, aside from the terror and paranoia his hallucinations so liked to inflict. He remembered what he'd thought earlier.

He was nearly broken.

Gavin went back to staring blankly until he saw Griffon open her mouth again.

‘I wasn’t sexually assaulted,’ he stated, trying to focus past his sudden light-headedness.

They frowned at him, obviously in disbelief, and a second later they shared a glance. ‘It’s just, it adds up with a lot of what’s been going on. It fits perfectly, with the paranoia, the nightmares, the flinching. You know we would _never_ think less of you for it-’

‘I had a friend in high school that it happened to,' Griffon interjected with a nod.

‘And we will _always_ love you no matter what, but we need you to tell us what happened.’

‘I- what? No. No, it's not... it's not what happened.'

He was tired.

Finally, they stopped. ‘No?’ Geoff asked, looking at him for honest confirmation.

‘No. I- No.’

They both relaxed slightly, relief evident, but it faded again to be replaced with concern only moments later. ‘Then what?’ Geoff asked.

Gavin shook his head, failing to shake the weariness that threatened to overtake him away. He wasn’t sure if he was imagining it (well, shit, more than normal) or if it was a proper hallucination but he could hear the faintest rattling, quiet whispers that were beginning to louden.

 ‘I can’t,’ he murmured. He felt like a failure.

All they wanted was to help. They loved him, and cared for him, and he couldn’t give them _anything_ in return.

‘Yes, you can.’

Anger flooded his brain, and he was shocked to feel something. ‘Why won’t anyone believe me when I say I can’t?’ he demanded, ignoring the way yelling made his head feel like it was splitting.

‘Because you can! You just refuse to do it!’ Geoff shot back, standing up.

‘I _can’t!’_

‘Why won’t you, huh? Don’t you trust us?’

The fear that this wasn’t real began to flash through him, but the pain in Geoff’s eyes seemed far too honest.

‘I do! I just- I’m-’ He felt his eyes sting and he blinked rapidly, tearing his gaze away and focusing on the floor. He leaned both hands on the tabletop to support himself, because he was sure if anything more happened he would simply collapse. _Again_.

Why had it all gone so wrong? He’d been trying so hard. Why did it seem like he was doomed to fail?

He saw Griffon move from beside Geoff and take him in her arms, rubbing comforting circles into his back as he tried not to cry.

‘You don’t trust us.’ Geoff stated, and the hurt in his voice made Gavin truly begin to cry. Griffon shushed him, shushed them both, because this was quickly turning into two grown men crying over emotions.

Wiping at his eyes with the back of his hands, Geoff stepped away.

Gavin wondered if the implications behind those backwards steps were as real as the pain shooting through him.

‘Well I hope you fucking trust Dan,’ Geoff said after a moment, ‘because he’s flying over here tomorrow.’

Gavin stared in shock. ‘Wh-’ he started to ask, but they were interrupted by a sudden pounding on the door.

All of them jumped, even Griffon, and after sharing a look Geoff shook his head slowly and trudged up the stairs. That left Griffon and Gavin in the loungeroom, staring at each other, and they only broke out of it when the reminder came that someone was at the door.

The loud reminder. ‘ _Gavin_! Open up! Geoff! Griffon, hello? Somebody!’

Griffon started towards the door but Gavin was quick to grab her arm, shaking his head when she gave him a questioning look. ‘I’m not here,’ he mouthed frantically, pushing down the nausea that threatened to overcome him at the frantic and sudden movements. 

She narrowed her eyes and set her stance, and Gavin quickly grabbed her arm again and pulled her back when she moved towards the door.

‘Please,’ he said quietly, looking at her desperately. ‘Please, just please, not now. I can’t handle it.’

God, that was the truth.

It hit home with her. Gritting her teeth against everything she wanted to say at that moment, Griffon nodded once, and as soon as Gavin let her go she strode towards the door and pulled it open.

‘Michael,’ she greeted calmly, as if her mind wasn't in turmoil.

‘Griffon,’ Michael said, breathing out heavily in relief. ‘I thought nobody was going to answer the door. Look, I need to talk to Gavin,-’

‘It’s going to have to wait. Sorry, Michael.’

Michael looked thrown. ‘Huh? No, it has to happen now. It’s really important.’ Griffon waited, and Michael shifted his weight from foot to foot anxiously and leaned in. ‘Look, I just really need to talk to him. It’s about… whatever’s been happening lately.’

Griffon sighed. ‘Sorry, Michael,’ she said again.

Michael blinked at her. ‘What- Really? Is he not home?’

‘Something like that,’ she said tiredly, and rubbed at her forehead in exhaustion. She felt weary, and she _was_ weary, because Gavin's collapse and Geoff's meltdown and the collective stress was wearing on everyone.

‘The fuck’s that meant to mean? I need to talk to him! Look, he ran out of my house this morning, muttering some incomprehensible shit, and… he’s been acting really weird, you can’t tell me you haven’t noticed.’

When Griffon just looked on, face neutral, Michael opened and closed his mouth repeatedly, looking confused and slowly angrier every passing second. ‘I need to find out what’s going on! I don’t know what the _fuck_ is happening, but I’m done with it. I need to sort this shit out!’

‘Michael…’

‘Do you know what it is?’ Michael demanded. ‘Is it just _me_ he’s hiding it from?’

Griffon’s lack of response gave him his answer. ‘Then come _on_, we can figure out what it is together, get him to open up, whatever – I don’t know. But I do know I’m done with letting him just fucking – do whatever it is that he’s doing! It’s _bad_ , something seems seriously messed up!’

No result. Michael switched tactics, mind running through every possible reason that could explain why Griffon was standing here for the first time, and for the first time in her life, not letting Michael in.

‘So there’s definitely some big thing, right? Why hasn’t he told you?’

‘He’ll open up when he’s ready,’ Griffon said, and she lied right through her teeth. She hated it, too, but she’d made a promise that she wouldn’t let Michael in, so sacrifices had to be made. Even if she felt wrong about saying it, right down to her core.

‘ _Bullshit!_ He’s ready _now_ , and if he’s not then I’m gunna make him ready! Enough is e-fucking- _nough_ , I’m done trying to give him space!’

‘He’s a grown man, Michael,’ Griffon reminded him. ‘He can solve his own problems.’

Michael actually stopped, and looked at her in disbelief. ‘Are you fucking kidding me? That’s bullshit, and we both know it. You’re not that kind of person, Griffon, and neither is Geoff! Why are you all of a sudden pretending you are? You… you _do_ shit, you don’t just watch! If there's a problem you try and help!’

It was true. She'd tried, and so far been unsuccessful. She didn't know what happened with the sleeping pills, or even if they were a success. Probably not, by what had happened earlier.

He needed help. She knew it, and the last thing Griffon was going to do was let Gavin do this on his own, especially after what had just happened.

‘Why are you defending him? Is it me? Did I do something?’

Griffon closed her eyes for the shortest second, wishing she didn’t have to do this. Wishing she had answers. But she was just as in the dark as Michael was. ‘I’m going to have to ask you to leave, Michael.’

‘No, wait-’

‘Now.’

‘Griffon, please, just tell me if it’s something I did! I don’t know what it could be, but why won’t you just tell me what’s wrong with him?’

‘Michael...’

‘Maybe I won’t be able to help, but if I fucked up somehow I can swear to you I won’t do it again- I just need to see him, get him to _explain_!’

If Griffon had been a weaker woman, she would have caved. She would have let him in and cornered Gavin and demanded he fess up to _all_ of them, because she wasn’t stupid enough to think Michael wasn’t as important to Gavin as they were. And watching Michael so desperate for an explanation, a _reason_ , that he blamed himself, was more than painful.

But Griffon Ramsey was a strong woman, and so she squared her shoulders and did what Gavin had asked her. ‘Go, Michael. He’ll get in touch when he’s ready.’

She shut the door on his face, trying to block out the hurt she’d seen in his eyes. She wasn’t sure she’d ever manage.

There was no point in saying she didn’t care for Michael. Not as much as Gavin or her family, that much was obvious, but there was no denying the pain she felt in turning him away. Especially when she didn’t know _why_ she was doing it.

Just that Gavin had asked.

‘Griffon?’ a small voice sounded behind her.

Griffon repressed a sigh and turned. Gavin had been hiding around the corner, listening to everything. ‘Gavin,’ she said evenly, trying not to feel anger at the man in front of her. He’d asked her to do that for him, and she respected him enough to do it, but now she wanted answers.

She wanted answers for why he’d been so jumpy lately. She wanted answers for why he’d been so upset lately. She wanted answers for why he’d been so quiet lately, so silent, so scared. She wanted answers for why he’d been so hidden lately, barricading himself in his room and only coming out for such short amounts of time.

She wanted answers for why he’d been so _wrong_ lately, and what had happened to the Gavin she knew.

She wanted a lot of answers, and she was going to get them.

'Sit down, Gavin,' she told him. 'We need to talk.'

His response was instantaneous. 'No.'

Griffon raised a disbelieving eyebrow. 'No?'

'No. I don't want to talk about it,'

She looked around the lounge room in disbelief before settling her piercing gaze on Gavin once more. 'No,' she told him, as simply as he had told her. 'No, that's not happening. You've avoided us long enough, don't you think?'

'I'm not _avoiding_ you.' Gavin stressed, clenching and unclenching his fists. 'I just need to... get my head around some things.'

'Talking helps. Look, I'm going to get Geoffrey, and we're going to talk through this _together_. Like a family, because that's what we are, Gavin. And it hurts us that you're not talking to us.'

Gavin looked nervous. No, more than nervous, he looked _scared_. He flicked his eyes around erratically and continued to wring his hands. Griffon put a hand over his comfortingly as she started to stand, but Gavin immediately stood too, pulling his hands away hurriedly.

'Don't,' he croaked. 'I don't feel like talking.'

'You don't _feel_ like talking?' Griffon repeated incredulously, leaning forward. 'Gavin, you _collapsed_ earlier. No, it's not the worst thing in the world, but there's a reason behind it, and we need to know what.'

'I'm dehydrated,' Gavin muttered.

'Dehydrated,' Griffon repeated again. She shook her head, a crease appearing between her eyebrows. 'Gavin, this is serious. You've never done anything like this before, and we just need to know that you're okay, and we can't do that if you don't talk to us.'

'You've changed, sweetie,' she told him, and her eyes reflected so much pity and sympathy that Gavin felt sick. 'Everything that's been going on lately, it has to be addressed. You don't seem to be getting better, Gavin, and we _tried_ to give you a little space. Geoff's not angry at you, Gavin, he's just upset. You never used to have boundaries, and I'm not saying it's a bad thing, but he was so concerned about letting you have space to sort things out on your own that he blames himself-'

'Don't, _don't_ , stop talking about this,' Gavin said, his anxiety levels doubling, guilt feeding into it. He hated what he'd done to Geoff, to Griffon, to everybody, because he'd failed in passing as normal and he'd never had a chance, did he? He swallowed hard and resisted the urge to clutch his head in his hands.

'Look, like I said, I'm going to go get Geoff, and we can talk it out together-'

 _'I_ _don't want to talk!_ '

The shout was sudden, and distantly, the upstairs bedroom door creaked open as Geoff came to investigate.

Griffon looked taken aback by the outburst, but she didn't let it shake her, only making her more determined. 'We've let it go long enough, we _need_ you to talk to us. If you need a hospital-'

'No! The _last_ thing- Just _trust_ me!' Gavin cried, and he pulled himself into a standing position. 'I'll be okay, I _am_ okay, you just need to trust me!'

'You fucking _collapsed_ earlier, you stupid fuck!'

'Geoff,' Griffon warned, shooting him a look. Geoff ignored it.

'I'll get food, and water, and I'll be _fine._ ' Gavin tried desperately, head swimming and pounding in synch with his thumping heart. Confrontation was something he had to avoid because he _knew_ he'd give in.

'Bullshit! How long are you going to avoid this?'

Gavin's heart was racing. He didn't have an answer to that question, didn't have an answer for anything, just held the desperate urge to buy a _little more time_ , just a few more days, he could fix this.

The shaking in his hands and dark whispers of his mind told him no, he couldn't fix this.

But if he gave up hope now, it was for _nothing_. He couldn't let it be for nothing, he couldn't lose this all. It was still salvageable, and when he got out of this he'd make up a bullshit excuse that they'd probably never believe but at least he'd be _free._

'-past waiting for you to approach us, and if it's gotten to a point where you're collapsing from dehydration then-'

He could do it. He just needed them to leave him alone. He just needed _everything_ to leave him alone, to get out of his head. The whispers weren't real words, weren't saying anything, just dark noises that tormented him because they were still _there_.

He just needed to be alone, with some peace and quiet he could sort through this, figure it out, he just needed to be left alone,

'Gavin?'

left to figure it out because he couldn't _do this_ , not with so many people talking to him and so much noise and he'd _collapsed_ earlier he'd _collapsed_

'Gavin?'

and that was _terrifiying because what if he collapsed again and Geoff took him to the hospital and they all found out and everyone found out and he couldn't go back there he'd die there he'd never make it he'd kill **himself** he just needed to be **left alone**_

 **'** Gavin.'

_god leave him alone leave him alone leave him alone_

_'Gavin!_ '

 _'Leave me alone!_ '' he screeched, backing away from them and clutching the sides of his head. 'Stop it! Stop it!'

Geoff was shocked into silence, but Griffon was only more determined, eyes flashing. 'Not until you talk to us.'

' _Stop_! I can _fix_ this! I _have to fix this-_ '

That pulled both of them into pause, and the look of distress Gavin had on his face left both of them unable to respond.

Without another word, Gavin turned on his heel and ran up the stairs.

Griffon took Geoffrey into her arms as he stared up after him numbly. 'It's fine,' she assured him, even though she didn't believe a word. 'He's fine. He'll come down and talk to us. He just needs space. He'll be down soon, in time for dinner. It'll be okay.'

Geoff didn't say anything. Griffon didn't let go.

Gavin didn't come down.


	14. is there any hope for me?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> phenomenal support so far is, as said, phenomenal, and i'm so fuckin appreciative like goddamn thank you ugh <3  
> explanations for any questions you might have come soon hopefully
> 
> i said i'd put this in 15 but it's here now! some awesome fan art from the lovely Gh0stRay! (or wolftayla on deviant art) here: 
> 
> http://wolftayla.deviantart.com/art/Fanfiction-stuff-480569634?ga_submit_new=10%253A1409989062
> 
> so enjoy!  
> read & review, yo

Ray liked to think he was a smart man.

Maybe not book smart, but people smart. Perceptive, at the least.

He liked to think that if something needed to be seen, he’d see it. If something needed to be said, he could say it.

Overall, Ray wanted to be doing a whole lot more of both about whatever had been going on lately. Which is why two days later, Geoff stood staring at the man on his door step.

Ray stared back, eyes wide and taking in how overwhelmed the older man looked. He felt his mouth hang open, his lips form a silent ‘o’, but before he could speak, Geoff did.

‘Ray,’ he said gruffly. ‘Not exactly who I was expecting to see.’

The Puerto Rican looked confused. ‘Sorry, I guess. I just… I wanted to check… I wanted to see how Gavin was doing.’

Geoff shook his head. ‘Now’s not a good time.’

Ray just looked at him expectantly, waiting patiently.

‘Really,’ Geoff tried, ‘he’s not taking visitors right now. I’m not meant to let anyone in.’

There were a few moments of silence, and eventually Geoff hung his head.

‘I’d like to see Gavin, if that’s alright, Geoff.’ Ray repeated gently, and without a word Geoff just moved out of the way and back into the lounge room. Griffon was there too, and between them both they looked about as healthy as… well, fuck, Ray didn’t think that far ahead. He wasn’t sure he could, looking at them both.

They looked terrible. Faces gaunt, eyes drawn and heavy. They looked like they were carrying the weight of the world on their shoulders.

Ray wanted to make a funeral joke.

He took another look at them and held his tongue.

But he’d never had the best brain to mouth filter, so what came out of his mouth next wasn’t really surprising. ‘You look like shit,’ he said, then realised what he said and immediately backtracked. ‘I mean, you look like you need rest,’ he tried awkwardly, but neither gained any reaction.

If emotions could have physical weights, then they’d all be crushed under the atmosphere in the room. He tried to picture all the negative emotions he’d ever felt at once, but it still didn’t seem quite enough.

‘Like I said… he’s not doing well.’ Geoff replied, and sunk down next to Griffon. ‘He doesn’t want to see anyone, uh, at the moment. For now. He, uh… Maybe it’s best-’ his voice cracked, ‘that don’t you try and talk to him.’

Griffon rested a hand on his and Geoff clutched it like it was a lifeline, brought their intertwined hands up to his face and leaned them against his forehead.

Ray swallowed hard. ‘We haven’t heard from any of you,’ he said slowly. ‘Burnie said you gave him some bullshit excuse, and he’s going to kick your ass when you get back. But he said you’d come to him if you needed him.’

‘He said he’d learned his lesson from the shotgun shells experience,’ Ray went on, trying to lighten the mood just a tiny bit, make this a little more bearable. Geoff and Griffon still didn’t look at him. ‘Uh… just thought I’d let you know everyone was worried.’

Geoff nodded, finally.

More silence. Ray’s stomach was a huge twist of awkwardness, confusion, concern. No shortage of emotions. But it was nothing compared to how they looked, how it felt.

He gave up. The atmosphere was unbelievably overwhelming. He wanted to get out and never come back, and he had no idea how Griffon and Geoff were coping with it.

But by the looks of it, they weren’t.

‘I think I’m going to go check on Gavin,’ he finally said. He stood, moved quietly away from the couple on the couch. They hadn’t moved, like it took all of their energy just to stay sitting straight. But when Ray reached the foot of the stairs he was shocked by a sudden hand on his arm.

It was Geoff. He looked even worse up close.

‘Just… be careful,’ he said. Ray stared, totally unsure as to what he was meant to do with that information.

'Sure, boss,’ he tried, and with a nod, Geoff pulled back, staring at Ray as he started up the stairs.

The hair on the back of Ray’s neck was prickling, and the closer he got to Gavin’s door the worse he felt. He didn’t like ignoring his instinct. But he didn’t like being left in the dark when something serious was happening, either, and that’s what led to him walking the last few steps to Gavin’s door and pushing it open.

He spent the rest of his life wondering what would have happened if he had turned away.

‘Gavin?’ he questioned, stepping inside, and he was forced to wait till his eyes adjusted to the darkness. A few moments later, his shocked intake of breath was barely audible, but it carried across the otherwise silent bedroom easily.

Gavin turned to face him.

If Ray thought Geoff and Griffon looked bad… he couldn’t find words for Gavin.

His hair was greasy and tangled, sticking to his forehead with sweat. His eyes were darting nervously around the room, not stopping. His fists were clenching and unclenching and Ray could see a thin trickle of blood where it seemed like his nails had cut through his palm.

Ray wasn’t one for spinning poetic bullshit, but if you asked him right then, he would have said that it looked like the light in Gavin had gone out and left nothing in its wake, nothing but a pale, shaking shadow.

Gavin tried to offer Ray a smile. ‘You should sh-shut the door. They’ll follow you.’

It took a moment for the words to sink in, and almost on autopilot Ray followed the advice and pressed the door closed behind him. ‘I don’t think Griffon and Geoff are coming up here, Vav,’ and his quiet voice sounded stunned even to his own ears.

‘No… they’re not.’

‘Can I ask why?’ Ray asked hoarsely, missing the emphasis in Gavin’s words as he moved tentatively towards the man curled up on the bed. All the confusion, disbelief, the growing horror,theywere all threatening to leave Ray bent double and puking up his guts.

More than that, they were leaving him physically stunned, like he was wading through mud made of incomprehension and shock.

Drugs. Psychological trauma. PTSD. Suppressed memories. Assault. Rape?

‘They don’t like it here,’ Gavin told him suddenly, and when Ray jerked when he remembered he’d asked him a question. ‘I think. I’m not sure. They were up here for a long time…’ He twitched his head to the side, peeked past Ray with wide eyes. His voice dropped to a whisper. ‘I’m glad they left.’

Ray took a long time to remember to talk.                

Any explanation, any reasoning, anything he could find _but he couldn’t find anything_ that fit the situation right now. Nothing added up, nothing fit, nothing explained _everything_ lately that still explained _this_ , but the lists kept running desperately through his head anyway.

All he could do was stare, stare at the man in front of him that wasn’t anybody he knew. It was wrong, everything about this was wrong, and Ray didn’t have the faintest clue what the fuck he was supposed to do.

He licked his dry lips. ‘Why?’ he managed, brain eventually forcing his choked up vocal cords to work.

Gavin didn’t hesitate. ‘They were so easily changeable. They could be affected easily. Geoff spent so long up here… but I’m not sure…’

It was like Ray hadn’t paused. Gavin had replied seamlessly, without questioning the wait, as if he didn’t notice. As if he had no semblance of time.

‘I don’t understand.’ Ray said, and he hated the waver of fear in his voice. He barely resisted the urge to step back.

Gavin made a choked noise, and it took a moment for Ray to realise it was supposed to be a laugh.

‘Jesus Christ,’ Ray said, shaking his head rapidly and taking a step forward, determination filling him. ‘What the fuck happened?’

His temporary burst of courage was exactly that. Temporary. But then he looked at Gavin again, and this time he saw past the rapid darting and quick blinks of his eyes to the redness behind them, where it looked like every blood vessel in his eye had popped to make the whites of his eyes nothing but bleeding red.

How had he done that?

That question wasn’t even near the top of the list of questions Ray needed to ask.

But whoever he needed to ask, he didn’t think Gavin was it.

He realised Gavin had fallen silent, but Ray couldn’t work up the courage to ask his name. He didn’t have the chance. Gavin withdrew, pulling into himself and burying his head into his knees. He made a long, keening noise, one that Ray was sure would haunt him that night and every night for the rest of his life.

The quiet wail cut off abruptly and he began rocking back and forth, picking up a smaller, quieter kind of keening. Ray moved involuntarily back, his heart beating hard as Gavin shook. He flinched at something Ray couldn’t see, covered his ears from noises Ray couldn’t hear.

‘Please, Ray, I don’t want to…’ Gavin begged, ducking his head down.

‘Don’t want to what?’ Ray asked, voice sounding strangled in his own throat, pulse thudding deafeningly in his ears.

‘I can’t talk.’ Gavin told him, fingers fisting around the bed sheets and clenching them tight. ‘I can’t talk to you, either. Ever since Michael, it’s all gotten worse… worse… I can’t breathe, Ray.’

‘What do you mean, since Michael?’ Ray asked, desperately latching on to the only thing he could. ‘What do you mean?’

‘He went off the bridge… but it wasn’t him, but I thought it _was_ , but it wasn’t... I broke, Ray, and they came in. They won.’

‘Who won?’ It was almost hysterical, a noise of disbelief and the urge to scream that this was all a joke, a terrible fucking fucked up fucking _joke._

‘I thought I was _safe.'_ His voice cracked on the word, and it came out choked. ‘Ilet my defences down, they…’ Gavin trailed off, suddenly whipping his head up to the ceiling. ‘No.’ He clenched his eyes shut and tried to muffle a whimper. ‘I can’t.’

Ray tried to ignore the pounding in his head and focused on not throwing up. ‘Can’t what?’ he asked hoarsely.

‘Can’t, you have to go-’

‘I’m not leaving.’ Ray said immediately, even though every inch of his body was telling him to get out of this room, out of this house, because something was seriously wrong and Ray couldn’t get caught in the middle of it.

‘You don’t understand,’ Gavin cried, hands rising to clutch each side of his head as he scrambled backwards until he hit the headboard with a bang _._ Ray started at the sudden noise but Gavin didn’t notice, hands covering his ears with a pressure that looked painful. _‘_ They’ll use you- That’s what they do, they use people, their faces, their voices, they just wear them and-’

‘Gavin, you aren’t making-’

‘You have to _go,_ Ray!’ Gavin screeched, staring wildly around the room.  ‘They’re coming!’

‘Who’s coming? _What are you_ -’

‘Please, they’ll hurt you!’

‘Gavin, nobody’s coming! It’s just me!’ Ray tried to sound calm but he’d already been on edge, and Gavin’s sudden shrieking was only making things worse.

‘Please you _have to go_ , I can’t _do this!_ ’

Ray stumbled backwards, finally giving in and moving quickly away. Gavin didn’t seem to notice he was leaving, terrified eyes clenched tight as he trembled violently.

‘Gavin-’ Ray tried one last time, but Gavin wasn’t listening.

‘Get _out! Out! Get **out!**_ ’

Ray yanked the door open and stumbled out, not even caring that he slammed it behind him. He pelted down the stairs, taking them two at a time and skidding on the landing at the bottom. He didn’t stop to look at Geoff or Griffon, didn’t stop to notice the extra person in the house that hadn’t been there before.

He just threw open the front door and ran, no goal in mind, barely restraining hysterical laughter at the fact that for all he’d thought he was perceptive, he was far too late in his realisation that somewhere, something had gone horribly wrong.


	15. was there ever?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> somewhat spoiler/???/?:
> 
> as much as I root for the power of love, sometimes there's just got to be more. mental illness isn't always fixed by the revelation that people love you, and as much as it helps, rarely is it ever actually a cure - which is why I put off the revelation, because it was never intended to be the end all fix all. so heres this!   
> also, lots of pov bouncing, sort of. 
> 
> read & review, yo

Ray pounded on the door.

A moment passed, maybe two, before he pounded on it again. ‘Michael!’ he yelled, slamming his fist on the door. ‘Michael!’

Michael swung the door open. ‘What?’ he demanded, lip curling into an annoyed snarl. He looked tired and behind his glasses, his eyes were narrowed. ‘What the fuck? Unless you’re Gavin, I don’t want to see you.’

‘What do you know about what happened to Gavin?’ Ray questioned , shoving Michael backwards and closing the door behind him.

The curly haired man automatically stepped backwards as Ray advanced, but after he got over his shock he stepped forward and met the younger man chest to chest. ‘Fucking _nothing_!’ he exclaimed. ‘Absolutely fucking _nothing!_ Griffon wouldn’t let me in the _fucking_ house when I went over last, so while you’re here maybe you’d like to explain that! As well as what the fuck you’re doing here!’

Ray stared at him, still panting from the run, but after a moment he grabbed Michael by the forearm and dragged him towards the door. ‘Get your keys. Gavin needs serious help, and Griffon and Geoff aren’t doing anything. Something’s seriously wrong here.’

Michael stared right back. ‘What the fuck?’ he demanded. ‘What the fuck’s going on, Ray?’

‘I wish I knew,’ the Puerto Rican muttered. ‘When was the last time you saw Gavin?’

Michael raised his hands in an “I don’t know” gesture. ‘The other night. He called me up, and…’ he trailed off. He straightened, determination glinting in his eyes as he backtracked and grabbed his keys from the hook. ‘Explain to me what the fuck we’re doing,’ he commanded, shoving Ray out the door and going around the side.

‘We’re going to go get Gavin some help.’ Ray told him, climbing into the car and slamming the door shut. Michael followed suit.

‘What?’ he asked, stopping to look at Ray.

‘Start driving!’ Ray demanded, slamming his hand onto the steering wheel from where he was sat in the passenger seat. Michael hesitated, clearly unnerved by the unusual aggression the younger man was displaying, but after a moment he caught himself and quickly started up the car.

‘Is- is he sick? What’s happening?’

‘He’s sick, I don’t know!’ Ray yelled.

‘What the hell happened to cause this?’ Michael yelled back, throwing the car in reverse and backing down the driveway. ‘You need to stop fucking yelling and explain to me before I get us in a fucking car accident or throw you out of the goddamn car!’

‘I went and saw him, and-’ Ray finally stopped, running out of steam. He gestured helplessly to Michael. ‘He’s sick. I don’t know what it is, but everything that’s been happening lately, everything we missed or ignored, it all led up to this.’

‘What is _this_?’ Michael ground out, hands clenching the steering wheel in frustration. ‘Why don’t you _explain to me_ what the hell is going on?’

‘I can’t explain it. Just trust me. I don’t understand either, but he’s fucking sick and we need to get him to a hospital.’

‘Why aren’t Griffon and Geoff doing anything?’ Michael demanded. ‘I tried to see him yesterday and the day before, and they fucking turned me away, telling me he didn’t want to see me! I _told_ them I knew it was bullshit, but I swear to God, they wouldn't let me in. Goddamn it, I knew I should have stayed. Fuck. Fuck!’

Ray shook his head. ‘Jesus, I don’t know,’ he muttered, rubbing his head with his palms where the headache was only worsening. ‘But we have to do something.’

‘Christ, Ray,’ Michael said, but he kept driving. They arrived at the Ramsey’s faster than Ray could ever say the trip had been before, but made no comment, instead following Michael’s lead and pushing his door open and getting out.

They hurried up the steps and Michael didn’t even bother knocking, just threw open the door and strode in. Ray closed it behind him, immediately feeling the same suffocating, oppressing feeling he’d sensed before.

‘Jesus,’ Michael commented under his breath, and Ray knew he felt it too.

Moments later, they ran into Geoff and Griffon.

‘I suppose you’re here for Gavin,’ Geoff said tiredly. Ray nodded, unable to find his voice, but Michael had enough words for the both of them.

‘What the fuck’s going on? Where’s Gavin? What’s happening?’ When he received no response he only got more agitated. ‘Where’s-’

‘He’s upstairs,’ a new voice said, and all eyes were drawn to the man on the couch as he slowly got to his feet. ‘He was sleeping. Apparently after Ray left, he worked himself up to the point where he passed out. I figured I’d give him a little bit more time for peace.’

There wasn’t much anybody could say to that. Ray wasn't the only one who decided he hated silence.

'Dan?' Michael eventually asked. 'What are you... you're here for Gavin?'

Dan rubbed his eyes. He looked tired and weary, but in comparison to Geoff and Griffon it was nothing.

'Dan's been... talking to us. If you want to sit down, it's a hell of a story.' Geoff said, rubbing at his face with movements that screamed exhaustion.

But for all he looked exhausted, it didn’t exactly seem like Gavin was getting any better, so Michael had to tense his jaw and try not to demand what the fuck Geoff had been doing this whole time.

'You really think we have time to be sitting down?' Ray demanded, rolling up and down on the balls of his feet. 'Have you _seen_ him lately? When was the last time you went up there? Actually, how about you tell us why you haven't taken him to a hospital?'

‘I’ve been up stairs with him for the past two days,’ Geoff shot back at him, taking a step forward. ‘I’ve barely left his side except for now.’

Ray backed up a step and looked at Michael. The two of them shared a glance while Griffon stepped forward, wrapped an arm around Geoff's shoulders.

‘But why didn’t you- Why didn’t you take him to a hospital?’ Ray pressed. ‘He’s sick, right? He doesn’t--He didn’t look okay, man, not at all…’ he trailed off for a moment. ‘Why are you just leaving him up there?’

It took a few moments for Geoff to respond. 'I couldn't,' he eventually got out, shaking his head furiously. 'I promised. I tried so hard – but he made me promise, he made me swear I wouldn't take him to one... I don't know what I was meant to do. And then-’

'You think his sickness was getting better? You just _left_ him up there-'

'You're making a lot of judgements for somebody who doesn't know what's wrong with him.' Griffon interrupted, taking a step forward. Her grip around Geoff tightened. 'You say “his sickness” but you _don’t_ understand.’ She shook her head. ‘He made us _swear_. He told us that if we took him to a hospital, it'd be the last we ever saw of him. How do you want us to react to that? What would _you_ do?'

'Take him anyway!' Michael cried. 'I don't know exactly what's going on up there, but this is _seriously fucked up!_ '

'And they would have, regardless of the fact that they promised him they wouldn’t,' Dan interrupted, 'if I hadn't told them not to.'

A few beats of quiet while they registered what he had said.

‘What the fuck?’ Michael muttered, turning to him, at the same time Ray asked 'Why?'

'Hospitals won't help what he's got.' Dan shook his head. 'Not the hospital you're thinking of. Of course, if worst comes to worst, we don't have a choice. But I swore to him, once, too.' He stopped and shared an understanding look with Geoff as all eyes turned to him.

'He's fond of that, apparently. But I swore to him that if it ever happened again, if anything like this ever happened again, I'd do whatever I could before carting him away to an asylum. He's been there. It nearly killed him, and I know he'd rather die than go back. And I have a feeling that it's even truer now, with everything he's got to lose.'

Everyone watched him warily, waiting.

'I haven't seen him yet, but, well, I think you deserve an explanation. Especially you,’ he said, and he looked straight at Geoff and Griffon. ‘I know how hard it must be to go against everything you thought you should do. I know you wanted to take him to the hospital, and I can’t express how glad I am you didn’t. At least, for now.’

‘Why?’

Dan wasn’t sure who said it. It didn’t matter.

‘Because a long time ago, I promised him that… anything like this, I’d try first. I told him I wouldn't be able to help, but he made me promise to come, to try. We didn't think it would ever actually happen...' His gaze wandered aimlessly before returning to them with a snap. 'And like I said… regular hospitals can’t help what’s wrong with him. If anything can.’

‘What the fuck does that even _mean_? And what the hell- why are you even here?’

‘Relax, Michael,’ Griffon commanded.

Geoff took over.

‘Back when this was just starting, when it was still small and didn’t seem like it was going to turn out like this… Gavin told me the reason he was having nightmares and acting weird was because of Dan. He said he was scared he was dying in Afghanistan, or something like that. So I called Dan and asked him if he could come down, because I thought maybe seeing him alive and in the flesh would help, but…’

‘We figured out pretty quickly it wasn’t really Dan causing it.’ Griffon agreed, but she didn’t sound pleased about it. Just tired.

‘But by then… he’d figured out something was up and he kept calling me, asking how Gavin was. I told him not to bother coming because it wasn’t actually about him, but it didn’t take him long to weasel it out of me that something was definitely fucking up.’

‘I always worried,’ Dan shrugged, but his mouth was tight. ‘You don’t stop worrying about a thing like that, not when it's happened before. And then Gavin stopped messaging me for a week, Geoff calls saying he’s acting weird, and I started to put it together. Of course, I could have been paranoid, but it’s better safe than sorry.’

‘Better safe than sorry,’ Michael echoed blankly, trying to absorb the information.

‘So he was adamant about coming down. We’d been calling for the better part of a week, figuring out flight plans and shit, and it just so happened he called right as Gavin… melted down. That was the point, for me. I couldn’t let it go, not after that.’ Geoff wrapped an arm around Griffon and leaned into her.

‘What… melted down?’

‘Earlier in the day, he’d collapsed,’ Griffon slid in, voice smooth despite her obvious distress. ‘And first thing he did before he passed out was make Geoff promise not to call the hospital. We figured we’d listen to him, just this once, and get the truth out of him. But we didn’t get to, and he got out of it without telling us anything.’

‘We shouldn’t have let him go,’ Geoff said quietly, but he wasn’t saying it to anybody.

‘Then he went upstairs that night and didn’t come down.’

‘Melancholy,’ Ray remarked flatly, no humour to it.

‘He was… we heard him yelling things, throwing things around the room. When we got up there, he wouldn’t let us in, but eventually Geoff nearly broke down the door and he had to. He wouldn’t tell us what was wrong, or what was happening, and we had no idea what to do.’

‘But then he told you?’

Geoff made a noise that could have been a laugh if it wasn’t so dry and full of pain. ‘No, he didn’t tell us. I’m pretty sure he would have died without telling me. Without telling fucking _any_ of us.’

Nobody said anything, and with a sigh Geoff continued on.

‘When I grabbed a phone to call someone, _anyone_ , I don’t fucking know, Dan rang. He heard Gavin in the background and demanded to know what was happening, so I told him. I told him that whatever was happening now- because you should have _seen_ him, it was _terrifying_ …’

‘Geoff,’ Griffon soothed.

‘It was the end of the line, and we were calling a hospital. I told him that... and to convince us not to do it, he told us the truth.’ Geoff finished, voice quiet.

‘Okay,’ Michael said, running a hand through his hair rapidly. ‘Okay, and what's the truth?' When he received no response, his voice rose several octaves, desperation weighing heavily in his words. ‘Geoff? Griffon?’

‘Schizophrenia,’ Geoff answered for him, and his voice cracked painfully under the weight of the word. ‘He’s got goddamn schizophrenia.'

...

‘ _What?_ How long have you known?’ _Michael_.

‘Why didn’t you tell us?’ _Ray_.

Geoff buried his face in his hands. ‘I only… I only just found out.’

‘When?’

‘Two days ago.’ He looked at Michael. ‘The night Griffon told you to leave.’

‘How? Did he tell you?’ Michael ran both hands through his hair rapidly, feeling an uncomfortably aggressive emotion pushing its way into his mind, his heart. His tongue felt heavy as his words rolled off it. ‘Why didn’t he tell us?’

‘I already told you, he _didn’t_. Dan did.’

‘Why didn’t he say something?’ Ray asked, looking between them all desperately. ‘Why didn’t he just tell us?’

'Jesus Christ,' Michael managed. He felt sick. His heart had started pounding in his throat, and he couldn't pinpoint the exact second he'd started feeling dizzy but all of a sudden he was leaning on Ray and the Puerto Rican was lowering him to the ground.

'Breathe, Michael,' he commanded, gentle eyes locking onto his. 'Breathe.'

'Schizophrenia,' Michael repeated, twisting it into a mix between a laugh and a sob. 'Of course. Fucking _schizophrenia._ How didn't we notice?' he laughed, and Ray's hand was suddenly tight around his wrist.

'Michael.'

Michael shook his head, giving a weak laugh. 'No, it's all so _fucking clear_ now, isn't it, Ray?'

Nobody responded, and he kept laughing for all of two seconds before he put his head in his hands and pressed his palms into his eyes, trying desperately to push down the sudden mix of nausea and sadness.

He felt a dull pat on his back, and when he looked up at Ray through watering eyes, he saw the dazed look reflected right back at him.

'Sorry,' he managed, throat tight. 'It's a bit hard to breathe right now.'

'I kind of know what you mean,' Ray said softly, pulling his gaze to meet Michael's again from where he'd been staring at the floor. 'A bit hard to breathe.'

They were pulled into a crushing hug from Geoff, and the desperate sob Michael gave was muffled into his shoulder. Embarrassment and anger welled up in him, and after he squeezed Geoff back he pulled away, letting the anger push out the sickness and sudden wave of hopelessness and force the watery sensations in his eyes to fade.

'I'm fine,' he assured them, assured himself. 'Just... thinking.' He blew a heavy breath out and nodded determinedly, and next to him, Ray copied the movement weakly.

'So what... what do we do?' he asked, forcing himself to clear his head. He could see Ray was still slightly dazed, but pulling himself together. Michael wasn't sure how he did it, because the knowledge they now carried bore a weight of unbelievable heaviness. Maybe it was because he'd seen Gavin before, pulled his own conclusion, harboured his own suspicious.

Michael had no idea. He just put a solid, comforting hand on Ray's shoulder as they stood and waited for an answer, both drawing strength from the fact that though they were drowning, they were drowning together.

'We waited for Dan,' Geoff said, own voice weaker now. The burden on his shoulders hadn't eased with the inclusion of two extra minds knowing. If anything, it seemed like it doubled.

He'd never planned to tell them. He'd promised Gavin he wouldn't.

But Ray had been so caring, so worried, and he'd let him up... and now they both stood in front of him, two men who cared about Gavin as much as Geoff did, and they'd demanded to know. Geoff couldn't deny them. He'd have wanted answers just the same.

And even now, even when Michael had been hunched over, drawing ragged breaths that Geoff didn't even think he was aware of, only moments later he was forcing himself to stand tall, to offer help as much as he could. His eyes were determined, if not full of worry, and the hand he placed on Ray's shoulder seemed to radiate the only comfort he could.

Ray, too, despite the way he'd flinched when it was said, as if it confirmed his darkest fears, despite the way he'd mouthed it in complete shock and stood dazed for several long moments, had crouched down beside Michael to offer the knowledge that he was there, they were here. In the same sinking boat, or at least that's how it felt.

The boat Geoff had been in barely two days ago, with only Griffon to wrap arms around his frozen form as he stared up at her and repeated the words Dan had hesitantly told him.

_'He's got schizophrenia. It's not the first time.'_

He should have goddamn _known_.

'Geoff?'

'We waited for Dan,' he repeated automatically, realising they were still waiting, and relief flooded him when Michael and Ray turned their gazes to Dan.

Griffon, in turn, kissed him on the cheek, and he held onto her.

'Hospital?' Ray tried, as if he'd completely forgotten their earlier conversation.

Dan shook his head. ‘If you take him to a hospital, it won’t take them ten seconds to diagnose his illness as mental, not physical. If we can even get him there without him breaking down, that is. Not to mention he’s already on the goddamn record. They’ll put him in a temporary ward here until they can deport him to England.’

‘But they’ll fix him, right?’ Ray asked.

Dan threw his hands up. ‘Maybe,’ he said, voice barely repressing a biting anger, ‘Maybe not. Depends what fucked up this time. Even if they do, chances are he won’t be allowed back over here. Not without a known reason for relapse, at least, and even then, no, probably not.’

Hopelessness pressed in on them.

‘No hospitals, then. Um… but you said he got over it before, right?’ Michael pressed, after a minute of silence, mind whirling desperately. He realised with a jolt that now that he understood, and yet he still had no idea at all.

He pushed on. ‘We can help him through it again, right?’

‘Don’t be naïve,’ Dan shook his head, chewing relentlessly on his bottom lip. ‘He didn’t just magically recover.’

‘Then how?’

‘A psych ward that nearly killed him, dozens of psychiatrists and some bloody medication. Not exactly the power of love.’

‘Maybe not the power of fucking _love_ , but if he’d just told us…’ Michael tried, anger biting his words.

‘What could we do?’ Geoff demanded, regaining passion to his words once more, and only Griffon’s hand on his shoulder stopped him from moving forward. ‘What can we do? We know now, but what’s your plan?’

‘Well-’

‘Really, I can’t _wait_ to hear it.’ His voice cracked but it went ignored.

‘Geoff,’ Griffon shook her head.

‘We can still help him, maybe,-’

‘ _How_? Are you going to fix him with the power of friendship?’

Ray looked speechless. Even Michael looked between Geoff, Griffon and Dan, shocked.

‘Geoff’s right,’ Griffon agreed quietly. ‘I don’t think talking to him will be much use anymore. If it ever would have been. Showing him we love him, making sure he knows we care… there’s only so much that it can do.’

‘But…’

‘Do you honestly think him just telling you would have fixed all his problems?’ Geoff interrupted. ‘You would have been there to support him, yeah, but what could you have done besides taken him to a hospital?’

‘Then let’s just fucking take him to one!’ Michael threw his hands up, overwhelmed.

‘Did you not fucking listen?’ Geoff cried. ‘He’ll be deported. The hospital is a _last_ measure. You think I stayed with him for two days as he talked to goddamn nobody, while he had panic attack after panic attack, while he cried and screamed and sometimes didn’t even recognise me, for _nothing_?’

‘I-’

‘Do you know how _hard_ it was not to give in? Because we’re _all_ out of our depths here, but Dan might be the only chance we have, and if it means doing all that for Gavin to give him one last chance, I’ll do it any day.’

Beside him, Griffon nodded her resolution, and at the reminder, Dan anxiously shifted. ‘If you don’t mind, I’d really like to go up and see him soon.’

‘What are you going to do?’ Ray asked.

The question made everyone stop, wait for Dan to give them an answer.

But he just raised his shoulders and dropped them. ‘Whatever I can. If he… if he’s not too bad, then maybe we can help him. Have to try, at least, right?’

‘You don’t- You don’t have a plan?’ Michael asked, thrown.

‘What kind of plan could I possibly have?’

‘You flew across countries! You have to have an idea!’ Ray cried.

‘I have to be here,’ Dan said quietly. ‘I have to try. I promised him I would, and if it's the only thing I can do...' he trailed off, brown eyes drifting, before he jerked back to reality. 'Something triggered a relapse, unless he’s secretly been struggling for a while. If I can find out what…’

‘Is that it?’ Michael demanded, anger boiling in his veins. ‘You really don’t have any plan? I thought you were meant to be some shining light!’

‘He’s the only person with any idea on how to handle this, Michael,’ Griffon shot in coldly.

‘He just said he has no idea!’

Dan straightened. ‘I’ll go up and see him. Try and talk to him, figure out what might have caused it. If I can’t do anything, the least I can do is be with him when we take him to a hospital. I know the most, anyway. I can give them all of the details.’

‘Wait, wait,’ Ray interrupted. ‘That’s a last resort- I mean, he can still be helped?’

He hadn’t meant it to sound like a question. But he thought of Gavin’s bloodshot eyes, the half-moons cut into his palm from his nails, the marks on his skin where he’d scratched at himself. The way he’d flinched from everything, heard things that weren’t there, how he’d screamed Ray’s name when he told him to go-

‘We have to try, right?’ Ray asked, and if there was a note of desperation in his voice he didn’t notice.

The silence he got in return settled painfully over the room.

After what felt like an eternity, Dan turned and made his way up the stairs, heavy boots thudding loudly. Michael followed, and for whatever reason – to avoid the silence down here, to see what would happen, to be there for one of his best friends – Ray got up and ascended the stairs after them.

And for the first time in his entire life, Ray found himself praying.


	16. please, any at all?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there's emotions and flares of anger and a bitty bit of hope

When Ray reached the top of the stairs, Michael and Dan were already in Gavin’s room. He realised his hands were shaking, and after staring at them blankly for several seconds he clenched them into fists to steady them, swallowing down the lump in his throat.

With a deep breath in, he pushed the door open. A wave of cold air, colder than usual, blasted him right in the face, and he quickly stepped inside. He didn't think it had been this cold before, or maybe he didn't notice, but either way goosebumps formed up and down the length of his arms and he was left shivering.

He closed the door behind him and tried not to remember what happened the last time he was up here, only hours before.

Michael shot him a quick look, but apart from that all attention was on the shivering form huddled up at the top of the bed, arms wrapped loosely around raised knees and head tucked down. Dan was standing in front of him, to the side of the bed, and as Ray watched he knelt down to meet his level.

Subconsciously chewing at his lip, he murmured Gavin’s name, and after a moment Gavin returned the gesture.

‘Daniel,’ he breathed, low and soft. He raised his head slowly, as if he knew the suspense it caused, bloodshot eyes lifting to meet Dan’s brown in a fragile movement of hope.

Frowning, Michael moved away to stand in front of him, and after a hard look shot at him, Ray crossed his arms across his chest and followed him, moving a little closer but subconsciously keeping the door within reach.

It didn’t sit right, but he didn’t know if it was because of before, or because he was afraid it would happen again. Either way, nothing happened, and Michael took his position next to Dan and facing Ray and Gavin.

Aware that he was suddenly outnumbered, Gavin shied away, arms up around his head as he hid his face from them. Dan was quick to reassure him.

‘It’s just Michael,’ he said softly, coaxing him. ‘You’ve told me all about Michael lately, didn’t you, B?’

Gavin didn't reply, eyes on the bedding in front of him, avoiding them both. Dan flicked a surreptitious look at Michael, and when Michael moved to touch Gavin and he flinched away, Dan stared him down, eyes narrowing in suspicion.

‘Maybe you should move, Michael,' he said after a long moment.

Michael frowned again, ignoring him. ‘Gavin?’ he asked, reaching tentatively out.

Sensing he was about to be touched again, Gavin yanked himself away, shaking his head rapidly. Words Michael couldn’t quite make out began pouring from his lips in frantic, hurried murmurs and suddenly he was a hive of movement, hands clenching and unclenching and his eyes blinking rapidly. 

Michael dropped his hand and moved automatically back, swallowing down a noise of shock. In return, Gavin calmed, quietening down and relaxing himself once more.

He still didn’t look at either of them.

Dan, Michael and Ray exchanged a long look.

‘Yeah,’ Michael eventually nodded, eyes still on Gavin. ‘I, uh, I think I'll move.'

And he did, returning reluctantly back to Ray, who'd at some point made his way closer to the door, shooting hesitant glances back at Gavin every step. The look on his face showed how he was torn, half in shock and half determined to go back and figure it all out.

‘I can’t fucking believe this,’ he breathed. He glanced up at Ray. ‘Is it just me, or does this all feel like a really bad fucking dream?’

Ray blinked at him. ‘You have no idea,’ he replied, and he crossed his arms tighter across his chest.

‘I think I’m in shock or something,’ Michael admitted, still staring at Gavin, who’d returned to a silent, hunched over figure on the bed, hands back up around his ears. ‘This isn’t sinking in. At all.’

As he spoke, Dan gently coaxed Gavin’s hands away from his head, murmuring reassurances at him.

Ray licked his dry lips. ‘I had the same thing but… it sinks in soon enough.’

‘Right,’ Michael nodded, but he immediately shook his head. ‘It doesn’t feel like it will. I’m walking through water here, man,’ he chuckled nervously. His laughter died away, and he echoed himself in a quiet mumble as his gaze drifted back to Gavin. 'Walking through water...'

Ray licked his lips and tried to offer a response, but Dan started talking loud enough that they could hear. Automatically disregarding whatever poor excuse for comfort he was prepared to give, Ray tuned in, watching as next to him, Michael tensed and angled himself subconsciously towards them.

‘Gav, it’s Dan. C’mon, you’re not a kid, Gav. I know you can hear me, stop bloody ignoring me.’

He lifted a hand and grasped Gavin's jaw, preventing the other man from moving away from him. Gavin's instant response was to try and pull away, and when he discovered he couldn't he made small, scared noises, but stopped struggling.

Michael gaped at the sight, and the frown that flashed across Ray's face was too late to remain unseen when Michael darted a confused look at him.

Reassured that he wasn't the only one unnerved by whatever was going on, Michael spoke up.

‘The fuck are you doing?’ he whispered rapidly. He took a step towards them but Ray’s hand was suddenly gripping to his shoulder. He glanced back, silently swearing at him to let go, but Ray just shook his head and nodded towards Dan.

Michael narrowed his eyes but otherwise didn’t move, aside from a quick roll of his shoulders to try uselessly to ease some of the tension building.

Dan  ignored them, still gripping tight to Gavin's jaw.

‘Should you be touching him?’ Ray asked nervously.

‘It’s a grounding point. Sometimes.’ Dan returned his attention back to Gavin, who was shaking a little less but still refused to look at him.

‘Sometimes,' Michael started, half scoffing and half unsure, but a shake of the head from Ray quieted him again. The reminder that he was out of his depth here was enough to overthrow his instinct to try and help.

He turned his head to face Ray but kept his eyes on Dan and Gavin. 'At least he's not like, shouting, right? You said that was a thing?'

'Uh... he wasn’t this quiet before,’ Ray told him, glancing nervously over. ‘He was actually… he screamed, a bit. And he didn’t make any sense.’ He glanced over again. ‘And I really don’t like talking about him when he’s right there.’

'-to me, Gavin. I know you're staying quiet on purpose, but it's really not very helpful.'

Dan used his grip on Gavin's jaw to turn his head one side to the other, eyebrows furrowing. Michael lifted his hand and dropped it again in a half aborted movement to go stop him, the sight of seeing someone being handled like that striking him wrong.

~~_But then this whole fucking thing was wrong Gavin was sitting there practically motionless in a dark bedroom and he wasn't smiling or laughing and this wasn't a joke, he was just sitting there and he had schizophrenia and when did this all get so fucked up?_ ~~

'Can you not fucking manhandle him like that?' Michael finally asked bitterly.

Dan looked up at him in surprise. 'What?'                 

'You- you're fucking manhandling him.'

'And we're still talking about him when he's _right_ there,' Ray mumbled, and he got both of them staring at him in response.

'Well he's not very fucking responsive!' Michael argued. He stopped, and had the decency to shut his mouth, even if Ray's cut throat glare hadn't been reason enough.

At the shout, Gavin flinched, and pulled himself back into his position of self defence.

‘Look what you did!’ Dan threw his hands up.

Michael gaped at him. ‘I didn’t do shit!’

‘ _Shut-_ Jesus, lower your fucking- you're scaring him!'

'He's not a goddamn baby! He might be fragile but he's not made of glass!'

Dan straightened, eyes blazing with the same anger shining in Michael's.

'Oh, right, I forgot you knew bloody everything about this! What _experience_ do you have with schizophrenia, Michael? Is it that hard to comprehend that he _i_ _s_ _fragile_ right now, and us shouting isn't bloody helping?'

'Well-'

'Can't help but notice he's barely said a fucking word, doesn't that strike you as odd? Even fucking _Ray_ said he was more talkative before, but all of a sudden you're here and he's hiding away every time you're near him!'

Michael curled his hands into fists. 'What are you saying?'

Dan shook his head. 'He's bloody afraid of you, isn't he? Might not be your fault, but he's sure as hell not saying a word with you in the room. He isn't sticking up for you, despite that I know he can still talk.'

Michael shook his head, his fists uncurling in surprise. 'What? Isn't that just because-'

'Because?' Dan waited, but Michael didn't offer an answer. 'Because what? He's scizophrenic? From what I know, granted I'm not an _expert_ , but he'd be a little more talkative than this!'

Ray, who was prepared to break up a fight if it happened, wrapped his arms around himself uncomfortably at the reminder.

'So what are you saying?' Michael demanded.

Dan held his gaze for a long time. 'Just that it might be best if you left. Might get him to open up a bit more.'

'Come on, Michael,' Ray agreed quietly. He moved towards him slowly, and for a moment it looked like Michael was going to go with him. But as soon as Ray's hand landed on his shoulder Michael tore himself away and headed straight Dan.

‘You saying I'm _abusive?'_ he hissed.

Dan moved away from Gavin. 'You're not making a very good case for yourself, are you? You look like you're about to deck me.'

'I am,' Michael ground out, fists straining. 'Because you're implying I fucking _hurt him_ or something? That _I'm_ the reason he's fucking-- _withdrawing?'_

Dan gestured straight at him. 'You're _acting_ pretty-'

That was all Michael needed to hear before he threw himself at him.

Part of it was _expressing_ himself. All the anger, all the negative emotions, the whirlwind of fear and confusion and hurt and apprehension just begging for release.

A very small, very ignorable part of his mind regretted that he was just perpetuating this view of him as a violent man. He wasn't. He was caring and he had a heart of gold. But he was also hot-headed, and the goddamn _implication_ that he would ever seriously hurt one of his friends, _Gavin_ no less, on top of the stress and the emotions and everything-

At least he didn't outright punch him.

He just tackled him into a wall, ears immediately picking up on the noise of fear Gavin made. But before he could compose himself Dan was gaining his footing and throwing Michael back the way he came, the grip Michael had on him meaning Dan was pulled along with him.

They hit the dresser and nearly ran into Ray, who had abandoned his perch at the door to pull Michael away the best he could.

'Stop, Michael- Dan-'

‘He fucking _blamed_ me!’ Michael yelled, shaking Ray off. He slammed into Dan again but the soldier used his momentum to turn them both.

‘Stop,' Dan hissed, ‘You’re setting him off!’

‘Fuck you! You said I was the reason he-- you're fucked up!' 

‘I goddamn _told_ you, I’m just trying to-’

‘Both of you shut up!’

Michael ignored him. ‘I don’t give a fuck!’

‘You’re scaring Gavin-’

' _Fuck you-_ '

Dan shoved Michael off of him and sent him flying into the closet doors. He yanked himself out of Ray's grasp, biting down an apology at the hiss the smaller man made when he twisted Ray's wrist to loosen his grip. The moment of silence between where he'd stopped short of apologising and when Michael had been temporarily knocked into silence was enough for Dan to pick up the almost unheard rattle and a thump of a small object being knocked over on the closet top.

Michael, stunned by the blow, missed it completely. He just registered that Dan wasn't moving towards him anymore and that Ray had moved away. At the same time, he registered the noise of fear Gavin had made had grown into a constant, keening noise.

When he stood it was with a dirty look shot at Dan and his immediate return to Gavin's side. Ray was already there, searching uselessly for a way to quiet him, to calm him down, despite the way he was cradling his injured wrist close to his chest.

‘I’m sorry,’ Michael said, the words tumbling out of his mouth. He looked desperately between Ray and Gavin, contriteness flooding his features. ‘Goddamn, I’m so stupid, fuck.’

Gavin was focusing very determinedly on neither of them, refusing to meet their gazes. Michael raised and lowered his hands uselessly, before ignoring Ray’s muttered warning of ‘I wouldn’t,’ and gently placing both hands on Gavin’s shoulders, just as Dan had.

Ray glanced nervously between them but the touch seemed to calm Gavin down, and his keen quickly tapered down into the soft whimpers of before.

‘Are you sure this is a good idea?’ Ray asked, rubbing his wrist repeatedly, more out of nerves than anything. He looked to Dan for reassurance, the only one with any fucking experience here, but the British soldier was paying them no attention. He was staring at something in his hands, running it over and over repeatedly. ‘Dan?’

Dan glanced up at him, then back down at the object in his hands.

Ray hesitantly got up, throwing one last glance at the two men in front of him. Michael had one hand on Gavin’s cheek now, and in the darkness Ray could just make out the vague shadow of his thumb moving back and forth.

Gavin, for the first time in a long time, looked somewhat… peaceful. He was still shaking, his eyes were still shut tight and his hands were still curled into fists, but he’d relaxed a tiny bit, and Ray could see him slowly leaning more and more into the touch.

' _Abusive,_ ' Michael repeated in a breath, looking up to Ray. 'I could _never_...'

The way he gently trailed his thumb across Gavin's cheekbone was truth enough for Ray.

'I'm sure it's not what he meant,' Ray assured quietly, looking to Dan for confirmation. The other man paid no heed.

Breathing quietly out, Ray slowly got to his feet, making his way across the dark room to where Dan was still focusing intently on what was in his hands. As Ray approached he could make out a vague shape of a bottle.

‘What is it?’ he asked. Nervously glancing over his shoulder, he was relieved to see that Michael had settled down next to Gavin on the bed and was gently wrapping his arm around him.  

‘His medication,’ Dan replied, rolling the bottle over and pulling Ray's attention back. He flared his nostrils, unseen in the dim light, as he squinted at the label. ‘It’s nearly empty.’

‘Medication,’ Ray blinked owlishly. ‘That makes sense. Is that… good?’

‘It’s dated just under two weeks ago, so he’s been keeping up with taking them. It’s not that.’

‘Oh,’ Ray slumped. He glanced over at Gavin and Michael as Dan threw the container onto the bed with a sigh. ‘Worth a try, right?’

Dan just grunted. ‘I knew I wouldn’t be able to help. I bloody-- I told him.’

‘Why’d you come, then?’ Ray asked, still watching Gavin and Michael. His eyes widened as Michael settled them carefully against the headboard, Gavin cradled almost delicately to his chest, eyes closed peacefully for once instead of scrunched tight.

He quickly nudged Dan. ‘Is that…?’

Dan barely looked up from where he was lowering himself gently onto the foot of the bed, careful not to disturb them. ‘It helps ground him, sometimes, like I said. If he’s not melting down, really gentle touches can help… get through to him. I don’t know. I guess I owe Michael a proper apology, though.'

'Not your fault,' Ray comforted, stopping short of putting a hand on Dan's shoulder.

'I'm a bit messed, too. I shouldn't have said that. It just made sense at the time, because he kept looking at Michael when Michael wasn't looking, glancing at him like he was afraid of him... I guess I was imagining it.'

Ray just gave him a look of understanding. Dan returned it with a tight smile.

'I don’t remember much. We were only young, and bloody hell… I only came because he’s my best mate, yeah? I have to. And I love him, he’s like a brother to me. I have to be here.’                                                              

Ray didn’t say anything, just chewed nervously at his lip.

‘I don’t know what I’m meant to do. I hate seeing him like this, y’know? And I hate not being able to help, especially when I told Geoff and Griffon to hold onto him... but it’s what he bloody wanted, he always told me that. Not that he ever really talked about it, or maybe he woulda messaged me earlier. He’s too stubborn for his own good, we always told him that.’

‘Yeah,’ Ray agreed, re-positioning a bit. He’d sat right on the pill bottle. He dug it out from under him and turned it over, mouthing the unfamiliar medication name to himself as he read it.

‘He promised he would. I mean, I know why he didn’t. Doesn't change that I wish he did, though.'

‘…something something... adryll… that’s a mouthful. And Christ, man, I’m sorry. Believe me, we all wished he said something.’

‘But I just…’ Dan sighed. ‘When he gets a bit more… responsive, I’ll try and talk to him again. See if I can narrow down what caused it.’

‘Probably the best idea we’ve got,’ Ray agreed. He was distracted, reading through the unfamiliar words on the label in the dim light. ‘Store in dry conditions… three fifty m.g, two tablets a day…’

‘I just wish… wait.’

Ray didn’t look up, still turning the bottle over in his hands.

‘What’d you say?’ Dan asked. Ray tilted his head towards him before finally looking up.

‘What?’

‘What’d you say?’

‘I was just reading the bottle,’ Ray told him, eyebrows furrowing in confusion. He shook the bottle for emphasis and near them, Gavin winced, burrowing further into Michael's chest. ‘Sorry.’

‘Give me that,’ Dan demanded, grabbing for the bottle. It let out another loud rattle as he pulled it from Ray’s hands, and the look Michael shot him was pure anger.

‘What’re you doing?’ Ray pressed, leaning over to see whatever Dan was looking for.

‘Just looking,’ Dan murmured, squinting at the bottle in the dark. ‘Turn the light on,’ he directed to Ray, not looking away from the bottle in his hand.

‘Uh,’ Ray said nervously. ‘Probably not a good idea?’

Dan blinked, looking between Ray and Gavin, who was finally peaceful. ‘Oh. Okay, here, prop the door open a bit, would you?’

He didn’t wait for an answer, just scrambled off the bed and moved towards the door. Ray followed, doing as he was asked.

‘Why?’ Ray asked, trying to mask the hopefulness in his voice. Dan didn’t respond, waiting for the door to open enough to illuminate it better. ‘Dan?’ he pressed, as the soldier turned the bottle over and over in his hands.

‘Nothing,’ Dan breathed, peering down at the bottle. ‘Might be nothing.’


	17. mirror, mirror, don't you see?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so in the final story arc, hey  
> thank you all for your incredible support <3
> 
> read & review, yo

_'Nothing. Might be nothing.'_

They were doing a lot of travelling for _nothing_.

Geoff was doing a lot of hopeful glances at Dan for _nothing_.

Dan was doing a lot of staring at the medication bottle for _nothing_.

Seriously, Geoff was practically staring at Dan. Ray was getting really unnerved. Maybe for nothing.

'Geoff, can you please focus more on the road?' Ray eventually asked. He cleared his throat for emphasis.

Geoff jumped and tugged a bit too hard on the wheel as he corrected where they’d started to drift, leaving Ray grabbing for a hold on the door for safety. 'Sorry,' Geoff said, but at least he did as he was asked and kept his eyes solely on the road. With the occasional glance at Dan.

'Seriously, stop,' Ray emphasized. 'This might be for nothing if we _die_ before we get there,'

Dan raised an eyebrow. 'It might be for nothing anyway,' he reminded.

He must have felt the hopeful atmosphere of the car deflate, because he sighed and scrubbed mercilessly at the scruff on his face. Subconsciously, Geoff mirrored the action.

'I just mean... it's something, definitely, but we don't know if it's _definitely_ a something that can help.'

'Well, lower dosage of medication is generally a pointer in the direction of returned sicknesses,' Ray argued, trying to squash the hopefulness in his tone.

Dan sighed again. 'Yes, but it doesn't mean it can fix it, and it doesn't mean it was the reasoning in the first place. We're just going to _ask_.'

'Yeah, ask,' Geoff repeated, hands clenching on the wheel. 'And Gavin _definitely_ didn't mention _anything_ about it to you?'

'That's partly why we're doing this,' Dan confirmed. 'It's not something he wouldn't tell me. But then,' he laughed dryly, 'I guess I can't really say that, considering.'

'None of us can,' Geoff said, hands tightening on the wheel.

'Don't,' Ray said, shaking his head. 'We can throw a pity party afterwards and we can all cry about our hurt feelings. Trade sob stories about how hurt we were that he didn't tell us.’ He paused. ‘I'll even host it.’

Geoff breathed heavily out of his nose, but his grip on the wheel relaxed and the atmosphere of the car relaxed with it. 'Fuck off, if anybody's hosting it it's gunna be me. Griffon can bake us a cake.'

'Make the icing say "you're a fuckface", we can all sign it.'

'Smear it in his stupid face.'

'Shove it up his massive nose.'

They shared a mutual look of subdued amusement before turning away, Geoff back to the road ahead of him and Ray back out the window in the back seat, both of them smiling just a little.

'I'm not denying that that was a cute moment you just shared, but please stop turning around. Ray was right, it's really unnerving.'

'Shut up,' Geoff replied, but he directed his slight smile in Dan's direction to show he was joking.

The atmosphere of the car faded back into apprehension when they pulled into the lot and Ray remembered how much was at stake.

Dan had admitted something about this being their main chance, but Ray had tuned him out. He couldn't hear that, and then hear about how it wasn't a good chance. He didn't join on a drive for fourty minutes to some specialty-doctor-who-also-doubled-as-a-clinic-doctor to hear about how this probably wasn't going to work, anyway.

He was here because it would work. The doctor would find a wrong and fix it, and they'd come home and give it to Gavin and he'd be fixed. And they'd get him a counsellor so he'd have someone he could talk to but they'd all support him anyway and everyone would be angry at him but then they'd forgive him and what had Ray said, not too long ago?

They'd have some sweet sex and a happy ending?

Totally. He'd pass on the sex but he'd do anything for a happy ending.

'You're staying here.'

Ray startled, mouth hanging open. He went to protest before he realised he wasn't the one being spoken to.

Geoff, on the other hand, looked outraged. 'H-yeah, you're fucking funny, I'm coming in there-'

'No, you're really not.'

The seriousness of Dan's voice made Geoff stop cold.

'Huh?'

'There's three of us. Realistically, they're only going to let one person in. That’ll be Ray, but I'll just join him regardless.'

'What? How's Ray gunna get in?'

'Because I sprained his wrist.'

Geoff looked at him for a long moment before he both turned to Ray, who offered a nervous smile in response. Geoff held his hand out in silent demand and the Puerto Rican obeyed, holding out his injured wrist with a nervous look.

'What the fuck? Why? When?' Geoff questioned, turning Ray's wrist over in his cool hands. He pressed fingers gently down around the area where the swelling was the worst, retracting them immediately when Ray hissed in pain.

'Uh, long story,' Dan brushed off, and Ray swallowed down the sarcastic laugh that threatened to force its way past his lips.

'Not that long of a story,' he muttered, but he went ignored.

Geoff was now watching Dan with eyes full of suspicion, and if he'd known about the fight that had went on upstairs Ray would have been sure he could tell what he was thinking.

Something along the lines of _more trouble than he's worth._

But Geoff didn't know, and after a moment he relented. 'Go, then. Get in there, get the doctor or whatever, get some _goddamn_ answers, get your ass back out here, get home, get Gavin fixed. Get it?'

'Got it.'

'Good. Ray, hurry up.'

Geoff sounded borderline rude, but Ray could hear the worry in his tone. He was fidgeting even as his stare remained solidly on Dan, his fingers tapping subconsciously in a display of emotions.

Ray understood why. This was a big deal, even though all of them were trying to pretend it wasn’t.

He chewed nervously at his lip as he thought of Gavin, finally coaxed into sleep, leaning against Michael’s chest in his dark bedroom. Somehow, he’d slept through the debate over who would go to see the doctor, over the raised voices and heightened argument.

It all felt very secretive, but in reality, it was just going to be a nerve wracking, hopeful conversation with Gavin’s doctor about whyhis medication was so low of a dosage compared to what Dan swore it used to be.

Without Gavin there.

Without explaining why he wasn’t there.

Without giving away that he had slipped nearly completely.

‘Jesus,’ Ray breathed. Thinking it through didn’t help at all.

He gave Geoff an empty salute with his good wrist before exiting the car, following Dan awkwardly and hoping he had a plan because Ray sure didn't.  And Geoff just watched them go, emotions he couldn't quite place bubbling painfully in his chest.

\-----

 

Geoff was so busy watching out the window for any sign of the pair that the sound of his text alert going off nearly gave him a heart attack. As it was, he clutched his chest with one hand as he groped blindly for his phone with the other.

The last person he expected to be texting him was Ray. He figured they’d go in, sort some shit out, and return. But when he dragged it out of his pocket with fumbling fingers, fearing the worst, _dickhead #3_ was the name that flashed on the screen.

_“Dan’s talking to the doctor about Gav,"_ it read. Geoff stared at it for a moment. A moment later, it buzzed again.

_“He asked him some stuff. Doc said he can't talk because of privacy issues, but he said he can do home appointments?”_

With a dry mouth, Geoff hastily typed out a reply. _“Not much better. We want to **avoid** him getting deported, remember?”_

_“Mr optimistic. He says that he hasn't had contact with Gavin in like two weeks, so he'd been planning to arrange contact w/ him anyway. Legal stuff, cos guess what?"_

Geoff didn’t get a chance to respond before the next message came through.

_"I quote, 'when issues surrounding medication are involved, it's vital to retain constant contact'"_

He started typing out a reply when Ray messaged him again.

_”You get that? Issues surrounding medication."_

_"I can feel your enthusiasm."_

_"_   _Ur_ _not enthusiastic?"_

_"Medication issues, fine. But he wants to see Gavin, and we didn't want that."_

Geoff wasn't entirely sure how to convey his hesitance regarding the issue. Ultimately, he didn't want Ray to get his hopes up so fast. And he knew Ray. He knew that Ray wanted the fastest, simplest option of fixing what was wrong.

But the fastest and simplest wasn't always right. Maybe the doctor had been lowering medication levels, and maybe raising them would fix the problem. But the doctor still wanted to see Gavin, and Geoff couldn't shake off the protectiveness that surrounded him and told him to keep Gavin away from possible threats.

Maybe it was a bit much. Maybe Geoff's protectiveness was doing more harm than good.

But he couldn't help it. Everything in him told him to keep Gavin away from someone who had the legal ability to have him taken away.

_"He seems pretty good idk."_

Geoff sighed. What a resounding argument.

_”Dan set up a home appointment. Got my wrist fixed, we’re coming out now.”_

A long moment passed before Geoff reacted. He tucked his phone in his pocket and put his head in his hands, blowing out a long sigh. ‘Jesus Christ,’ he muttered. He tapped his fingers on the steering wheel rapidly, mind racing. This was make or break, wasn’t it?

He wasn’t even aware of Dan and Ray’s return until Dan wrenched open the passenger door and climbed into it. Ray opened the backseat door a little more gently, cradling his now bandaged wrist close.

‘A home appointment,’ Geoff said, not even bothering with greetings.

Dan nodded. ‘It’s better than pulling him out of the house.’ He looked far more relieved than Geoff was comfortable with.

Geoff took a deep breath in. ‘I thought the point of this was to avoid him seeing Gavin,’ he said slowly.

‘Kind of unavoidable now,’ Ray muttered, accidentally kicking the back of Dan’s chair when he stretched. ‘What’s so bad about it?’

‘That doesn’t change my point! I thought we wanted to _avoid_ Gavin seeing anybody!’

‘He has to see him,’ Dan argued. When Geoff didn’t react, Dan frowned. ‘I talked to him about the medication, and about Gavin’s relapse,’ he said slowly, ‘but I downplayed it as best as I could. I told him he was starting to mention brief disturbances, shit like that. He said he had to make his own diagnosis before he could take Gavin’s medication levels back up, but he basically implied that if he was having some issues, he'd take the med level up.'

‘Geoff, not to piss on your anger, here, but this is a _good_ thing,’ Ray stressed, when Geoff still looked unconvinced. ‘It’s- it’s fixable! It makes sense! Medication levels down, symptoms return. Medication levels _up_ …’ He trailed off, waiting for Geoff to fill in the blanks.

‘But he wants to see Gavin first,’ Geoff repeated. ‘Won’t he see it’s a _little more_ than a few symptoms returning?’

He could practically sense Ray hesitantly deflate. ‘But he’s likely to put the medication level back up!’

‘Or cart him off to a mental hospital.’

Geoff’s voice was hard and flat.

‘If it’s fixable, if there’s a definite, legitimate cause, like lowered medication, it’s less likely,’ Dan argued. ‘And he’s been Gavin’s doctor ever since he came to America. There’s a good chance that this will bear good tidings.’

Geoff was silent for a long moment.

‘Look, Geoff,’ Ray started, ‘we can talk it out at home, right? The appointment is tomorrow, and the dude said he’d call beforehand to make sure it was all good. He can see Gavin, write down all the legal shit that says he needs higher medication, and go.’

‘That easy, huh?’

‘Come on, man,’ Ray tried. He subconsciously fiddled with his bandaged wrist. ‘It looks _good_. I know you're worried and protective and shit, but please don’t ruin the chance.’

His voice was quieter for the last bit, and Geoff felt guilt flow through him. He wasn’t trying to _ruin_ anything, but he couldn’t help being a little hesitant to get his hopes up and let his protectiveness go. Not after the emotional rollercoaster he’d been through.

'And the doctor definitely lowered the levels originally?' he managed, trying his best to feel a little more hopeful about the situation. A doctors appointment wasn't too bad. They could handle it.

Dan nodded resolutely. 'That's what he said. That it's usual to lower it if the patient shows signs of stable recovery, after a long time, with consent, because it's not always good for the body to be on high levels of medication for extended periods of time.'

'Did Gavin give consent?'

'I'm assuming,' Dan sighed. He ran a hand through his hair. 'It's him we've gotta ask. But I sincerely doubt that his doctors just gunna go around lowering med levels for the fun of it.'

'Well why didn't Gavin just-'

'The "why" isn't going to get us anywhere,' Ray groaned, flopping his head in his hands dramatically. 'My wrist hurts. Can we go back, so we can check on Gavin, and I can get some serious painkillers?'

Dan didn't say anything, but Geoff saw the look of guilt that flashed across his face.

'Sure,' Geoff agreed. Almost immediately, Ray curled against the window, injured wrist placed delicately in his lap. He was asleep minutes later. 

Part of Geoff, the same part that still burned to argue against the doctor seeing Gavin, itched to make Dan sorrier for how he'd hurt Ray. But another part, the same part that ached to feel better about the situation, kept his mouth shut, because he knew Dan didn't really deserve it. Or maybe it just wouldn't help the situation.

Either way, he drove them home in silence, and hoped to God everything would be okay.


	18. what you show is ruining me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> long chapter i guess because next week update probs wont happen bcos exams comin up  
> i graduated tho so on that note yay and enjoy
> 
> read & review, yo

_Michael sighed. He blinked, eyelids feeling heavy, and he realised he must have dozed off._

_Forcing himself awake, he tried to sit up, only to come to the abrupt realisation that he was already propped up in a chair. With a frown, he glanced up, and blinked several times to ensure that what he was seeing was right._

_Ray was in front of him._

_He was standing facing a small group of seated people, on top of a slightly raised platform, dressed in one of the nicest suits Michael had ever seen him wear. It was complete with a lone red rose in his lapel pocket, and he looked fancy as fuck, but Michael didn't know why, or what was going on. The more Michael tried to focus, the harder it was to distinguish details, so with a growing sense of confusion he settled back into his chair and looked around._

_He realised Geoff was next to him, and on his other side sat an empty seat, presumably Ray's or Gavin's, and beside that was Jack. Both men wore suits similar to Ray's and matching expressions of intense focus._

_Michael leaned over to ask what was going on, and that was when Ray began to sing._

_It wasn't any song he had heard, Michael knew that much. It began quietly, Ray starting off in a low tone, mournful and drifting, and almost immediately the sound of it left chills running up Michael's spine. It was quiet but assertively audible, and if Michael was totally honest, haunting._

_Ray didn't lift his gaze from his feet the entire time he sang, but his voice drifted out without difficulty. Michael couldn't make out the words that he was saying, or if he was even meant to understand them at all. He wasn't sure he wanted to._ _He resisted the inexplicable urge to cover his ears, to block the haunting song out, because he was confused and only getting more so the longer this went on. He wanted Ray to stop, wanted to know why, and what was going on, but beyond that, a small part of his mind couldn't help wondering why he'd never realised that Ray could sound so sad._

_Then, just before he was sure he was going to jump from his seat and scream, it was over. Michael automatically moved to stand but his limbs were heavy, cementing him to the chair, and he sat in frozen confusion as Ray returned to his seat next to Michael without a single sound._

_He didn't even look at Michael, just stared straight ahead._

_Seamlessly, Dan stood, rising from somewhere to the side where Michael hadn't seen him before. He moved to the front, to the same stage Ray had been, with long and heavy steps that seemed to echo forever._

_Instead of singing, like Michael half expected him to do, Dan spoke, with a voice more exhausted than anything Michael had ever heard from him._

_'I should have come earlier. I'm so sorry, Gavin.'_

_It took a long moment to sink in, but when it did, Michael felt the air rush out of him when he realised that he couldn't see Gavin anywhere. Unsuccessfully, he tried to twist his head, to crane his neck and look behind him where he was sure Gavin was sitting._

_But his eyes were locked to the front, onto Dan, who was making no effort to wipe away the tears on his cheeks._

_And just as Dan said his last words, all of a sudden Michael could see past him, could see to the sleek, black coffin with its closed lid, and he knew he wouldn't find Gavin anywhere in the audience._

_'Maybe now you'll rest in peace.'_

Michael woke up with his heart jammed in his throat.

Still cradled to his chest was Gavin, mercifully still asleep. Although he twitched, and lines between his forehead appeared as he minutely scrunched his face in his sleep, he'd stayed unconscious through Michael's rude awakening.

Slowly, careful not to disturb him, Michael let a slow breath out. He wrapped his arms tightly around him and relaxed to the sound of Gavin's breathing, running gentle fingers through his messy hair. Just as he got his anxiety levels under control the door downstairs slammed open, and with it came the sound of hushed voices.

He strained to make them out but couldn't, so with one last regretful look at Gavin he extracted himself, painfully slowly, from his grip. He hushed Gavin when he whimpered, laying a cool hand on his forehead to make sure he was physically okay, and made his way quietly out onto the landing.

When he reached the bottom of the stairs, Ray, Dan, and Geoff all turned to face him.

'How'd it go?' The question was blunt and to the point, accompanied by tired rubbing of his hand against his forehead where a headache was forming.

Ray pulled a face. 'We've booked a home appointment for tomorrow at like, two. He said that if Gavin's getting symptoms again, it's probably due to the lowered dosage, and-'

'He admitted to lowering the dosage?' Michael interrupted. He rubbed at his eyes.

Geoff got up and left the room, muttering about getting some water.

'With consent,' Dan confirmed, tone emphatic as he watched Geoff disappear into the kitchen. 'He had Gavin's consent. They were meant to keep weekly contact, and Gavin was meant to inform him if anything went wrong.'

'So why didn't he?' Michael slumped into a chair and did his best to repress a yawn.

'That's what I want to know,' Dan muttered. He took a long look at Michael. 'Are you okay? How was he?'

Michael shrugged. 'He was alright. Slept, mostly.'

'Mostly?'

After a moment of silence, Michael shook his head. 'It's fine.'

'Alright,' Dan agreed, watching him with concern. He headed off up the stairs, presumably to check on Gavin.

'You're not worried about the appointment thing tomorrow?' Ray asked, once they were alone. He was somewhat wary.

'Why would I be?'

'Well, he's gotta come see Gavin. And there's the whole, might want to admit him if he's bad enough thing. Geoff keeps worrying about it, and he's not really wrong. I mean, I got excited when I found out he'd come, and pretty much implied he'd up the dosage if Gavin was showing symptoms, but...'

Ray drifted off as Geoff returned, and Michael did the same, quietly thanking Geoff when he handed off the glass to Michael of water along with two painkillers. Geoff gave the same to Ray, casting a long glance at his wrist.

'What happened there?' Michael asked, attention drawn to the bandage covered appendage.

Ray shrugged. 'Got my fragile bones hurt during the man fight back there. No biggie.'

Michael would have pressed it, but instead, he allowed the tiredness that was seeping in to take him over. 'What time is it?' he asked blearily.

Ray offered him an equally tired smile. 'Late enough to sleep, if that's what you want.'

'Nah,' he yawned. 'I've gotta make sure Gavin's okay.'

After a moment of hesitation, Ray sighed. 'I think he was exhausted enough that you being there helped. I don't know... are you sure being there will continue to help?'

'Maybe,' Michael said, 'maybe not. It worked for now, and that's what's important.'

'He's a lot better when he's tired,' Ray commented. He watched as Michael gave him a curious look, waiting for him to continue. 'Well, I mean, if he stays like this... docile, I mean, maybe the doctor tomorrow doesn't have to see the worst part of him. Maybe he can just tell he's doing badly and like, up the medication again.'

' _If_ he stays somewhat manageable.' Both men startled at Geoff's sudden statement. 'Maybe he'll return to how he was, prior to this.' He looked at Ray. 'You went up there. You saw him.'

He didn't wait for Ray to respond, barrelling on. 'What if that's how he is tomorrow? There's no way to tell.'

'Then the dude will up the dosage for sure,' Ray said stubbornly.

Geoff let out an angry breath. ' _And_ take him away.'

'I think Dan and Gavin really got to you,' Michael interrupted. They both looked at him in surprise. 'Especially Gavin, and his paranoia that he'd get taken away.'

'He didn't tell any of us for this long because that's what he feared most. It can't be totally unfounded,' Geoff defended.

'And I doubt it is,' Michael agreed. Geoff almost relaxed, but the words that came out of Michael's mouth next left him shooting upright. 'But if that's what it takes to fix him, then is it really that bad?'

'W- But what if he doesn't come back? What if they deport him and don't let him come back, because this is where he relapsed?'

'But he'd be better. He'd be healthy. He'd be _okay_.'

Geoff didn't have a response to that. He stared at Michael, jaw hanging slightly. 'But-'

'Even if he gets taken away, it's the best chance he's got at recovering. At moving on.'

'The one thing he feared _most_ was being taken away from here,' Geoff said quietly, emotion simmering in his tone. 'You can't tell me you think it's what's best for him.'

Michael sighed. 'I think what he fears most now is different to what he feared then. He needs to recover, Geoff. And if it takes a mental hospital to do it, then who the fuck are we to get in the way? Just let the damn doctor do his job, and take whatever the outcome is in stride.'

After a moment of uncomfortable silence, Ray spoke up. 'You're a lot less against this than we thought.'

'You assholes were talking about me?' Michael tried to joke. Both Geoff and Ray continued watching him with careful eyes. He sighed, trying to repress the memories of the nightmare he'd had, of feeling like he'd been shot when he realised that Gavin was gone when maybe he'd had a chance to stop it.

'Michael...' Geoff started.

'I just can't let him get any worse,' Michael interrupted. He felt their watchful eyes on his hands, which were gripping tightly to the chair, and with another sigh he relaxed them. 'I know it's fucked with you too, Geoff, but sometimes you can't be the one to help.'

Geoff tensed his jaw. 'Like fuck.'

'Geoff-'

'No, I know what you're saying. I know that he needs help, and if that fucking doctor coming tomorrow is what you all deem as help, then fine. But that doesn't mean I still won't do my best to help him. If he gets taken out of this country, you bet your ass I'm gunna fly there every week and visit him. Try and fucking stop me.'

'Nobody would try,' Michael replied quietly. His conviction matched Geoff's.

Ray fought down a smile, glad to see a little positive emotion back in the atmosphere. 'Go Geoff,' he cheered quietly, waving about a small imaginary flag.

Geoff scoffed, but he rubbed at the smile tugging at his lips. 'Whatever, asshole,' he said, and the tension in the room faded a little.

Michael sunk further into the chair. 'I'm gunna sleep for a bit. Wake me if you need me.'

'Take the guest room,' Geoff offered. Michael shook his head, already dozing off.

'Just wake me if anything happens,' he reiterated, and fell asleep immediately after.

\----

 

When Michael awoke, it was well into the next day. He blinked himself awake with the grogginess of someone who'd been sleeping for far too long, his neck stiff and head heavy.

With a groan he pulled himself upright, pushing covers off of himself with confusion. He held up the blanket in his hand and stared at it for a long moment, before looking around and realising he was in the guest room.

'Asshole,' he muttered. He wondered how he'd gotten up here. Had Geoff carried him?

A glance at the clock on the nightstand told him it was past twelve, and after a long moment of thinking, he realised he'd slept for over sixteen hours. 'Shit.'

He dragged himself upright with more vigour, pulling down his rumpled shirt and running a hand through his bed head. He pushed the door open and headed downstairs, hovering outside Gavin's closed door for a moment before deciding against it and continuing on.

'Michael,' Geoff greeted him. 'You're awake. Finally, asshole.'

'Why'd you let me sleep so long?' he asked, voice rough with sleep. 'Did anything happen?'

'It's been quiet,' Geoff informed him.

'Eerily so,' Ray chipped in. He was in the kitchen, perched on the bench and drinking orange juice.

'Where's Dan? And Griffon? I figured she'd want to be here.'

'Busy,' Geoff said simply. Michael didn't press it. 'And Dan's up with Gavin.'

'How's he been?' Michael asked immediately, voicing the question that had burned at him since he'd awoken. 'Anything?'

'He's quiet. Still. Not silent, but not really responsive, either. Dan, uh, said he was kind of out of it all night.'

Michael didn't press that, either, despite the return of itching curiosity. He could sense that something had happened, judging by the way Geoff averted his eyes and Ray pressed his lips together.

'So, the doctor...' Michael said, letting it trail off.

'Coming at two. I called to confirm.' The answer was brisk, and Michael just nodded. 'Want some breakfast? Brunch, whatever.'

'Geoff cooks mean bacon,' Ray supplied.

'Sure,' Michael replied, half distracted. He wished he'd checked on Gavin earlier, because now he was expected to stay down until breakfast was over, and he was desperate to see him now. If nothing else, to at least confirm with his own eyes that he was okay.

He was silent while Geoff cooked, although all of them were, the only noise being the background noise from the television they'd purposely left on. Michael wandered out while he cooked and noticed a bunch of blankets on the couch.

'You sleep here, too?' he called back in the kitchen.

After a minute, Ray emerged, glass still in hand. 'Yeah. Not one of those nights you wanna spend alone.'

'I know what you mean,' Michael agreed, and in unison they cast their eyes upwards as if they could see through the ceiling and into Gavin's room. 'You seen him yet?'

'No,' Ray admitted. 'He started having terrors, or whatever you want to call it, early morning, and Dan and Geoff went up there, but I was too afraid.'

Michael jerked his head to stare at him, wondering if he'd heard him right.

Ray laughed softly, but didn't look at him. 'You didn't see him, before I came and got you. It makes sense now, I guess, but I didn't know what was going on, just that I was positive it was a nightmare. He kept shouting, and I couldn't make sense of it, and just... I don't know. I'm a pussy.'

'You're not a pussy, Ray. And he's still the same Gavin,' Michael said slowly.

Ray was quick to shoot down the suspicious tone in his voice. 'I know. Jesus, I know. It's just...'

Geoff poked his head around the corner. 'It's just breakfast time, dickheads. Stop moping around and get in here. God knows you can't feed yourselves.'

They shared a look. 'Someone's optimistic,' Michael muttered, but followed him into the kitchen again.

Geoff heard him. 'Just trying to make sure we don't all sink into a puddle of depression,' he half teased. 'We've gotta be optimistic, right?'

They could all tell what he was trying to do. Whether it was a coping method or not, he needed to try and stay focused, so without another word both younger men dug in.

'Fuck, dude, why didn't you become a cook?' Ray asked, mouth full of breakfast.

Geoff shrugged. 'Got stuck working my shitty job, and then you assholes came along.'

'You're welcome,' Ray informed him.

'You love cooking for us. Classic Daddy Geoff instincts.' Michael gave a thumbs up, the other hand still busy maintaining the fork to mouth routine.

He hadn't realised how hungry he was. He hadn't eaten properly for a few days before Ray came along, solely concerned with Gavin, and since he'd been here this was the first time he'd eaten.

They managed to maintain the air of relative comfort, just talking idly. The only thing that gave away their nerves was their constant glances at the clock and up the stairs, although none of them voiced their desire to check on him.

Until one thirty rolled around, and Michael stood abruptly from where he was sat between Ray and Geoff. 

'I've gotta check on him,' he said, almost like an apology. He didn't even wait to hear their arguments before turning and practically running up the stairs.

Geoff moved to follow, but Ray's voice rung out behind him.

'Wait, Geoff,' Ray said, and Geoff stopped, turning to him. Ray toyed with the hem of his shirt for a long moment, feeling like a stupid teenager trying to ask somebody out. Eventually he swallowed in frustration and queried gently, 'What if he's not okay when the doctor comes?'

Geoff eyed him for a moment, lips pulling down into a frown. 'Weren't you supporting that whole spiel yesterday about how we've gotta do what we gotta do?'

'Well, yeah,' Ray replied, 'but can't we do something to help?'

'Like what?'

'I don't know, calm him down somehow?'

Geoff stepped towards him, eyes squinted. 'What are you suggesting?'

Ray squirmed uncomfortably. 'I saw you had sleeping pills on top of your fridge. Maybe just to calm him down?'

There was quiet for a long moment.

'If he's not already calm, that is. Actually, y'know, on second thoughts, maybe we should just leave him be. He's probably alright.'

'No, hold on,' Geoff waved off, looking deep in thought. 'If it's only a very small dosage, I can't see how it could hurt, either way. It's worked before with two...'

Ray brightened. 'Really?'

Geoff resisted the urge to roll his eyes. Ray's desire to help was clear as day.

'Realistically, at worst, it'd just put him to sleep, and either way we could talk to the doctor about it. That way, he wouldn't have to see Gavin awake. At best, he'd be docile and sleepy, and coherent and aware enough to admit to a relapse.'

He could practically see Ray work himself up with excitement. 'And that way, he'd up the dosage, because that's what he said was bad about it, so-'

'Don't get your hopes up yet,' Geoff interrupted, putting his hands up. 'I don't want to crush your hopes and dreams, but that's fuckin'... best case scenario. We'll just see how it goes, alright?'

'Right,' Ray nodded, trying his best to look serious.

'You're like a little kid,' Geoff muttered under his breath, turning away so Ray wouldn't hear him. He heard him anyway.

'Meh neh nyeh,' he mimicked.

Geoff didn't offer a response, instead focusing on the small bottle of pills he had up on the top of the refrigerator, out of reach of small hands. He pulled it down and examined it, frowning at the small bloodstain on the label he hadn't seen before.

'What's it suggest?' Ray asked, leaning forward to try and see it.

Geoff pulled it out of reach, forcing himself to focus. 'Probably just give him... half. I reckon.'

'Alright.' Ray hesitated. 'What's Michael gunna say?'

'Michael isn't gunna say shit if he wants to be here when the doctor arrives.'

Geoff's response was curt, and Ray didn't really have anything to say to it. He just followed him up the stairs, gnawing anxiously at his lip. When they arrived at Gavin's door and Geoff pushed it open with little hesitation, Ray determinedly followed, pulling the door shut behind him with a little more force than strictly necessary.

Nobody looked up. Geoff strode up to Dan, who was nearest to them. Michael had his arms sitting awkwardly in his lap, looking like he wanted nothing more than to reach out and wrap them around Gavin.

Gavin was looking spaced out, staring blankly at the window.

Dan finally shifted and turned to look at them, and Geoff wasted no time in throwing the bottle his way.

'We're making sure he's not going to melt down during the visit,' he stated, but his voice sounded a lot more unsure than he wanted. He second guessed his decision to speak aloud when Gavin turned his head to meet his gaze. He felt his stomach drop sickeningly and he held his hand out for the bottle without a word.

Dan raised an eyebrow but said nothing, just handed the bottle back. Michael, on the other hand, stood, frowning. 'Woah, hold on, what's this?' he asked, making grabby motions at it.

'Sleeping pills,' Geoff said hesitantly, gauging Gavin's reaction.

'Sleeping pills?' Michael repeated. 'Why?' Gavin's gaze very slowly turned to him. Michael seemed oblivious, frowning away at the bottle. 'Are you sure? No, dude, this doesn't seem like a good idea. If they put him to sleep, then-'

'Michael, shut up,' Geoff muttered, eyes on Gavin. In turn, Gavin's gaze was now locked onto Michael, unwavering.

Dan was frozen, trying to figure what was setting Gavin off, but unable to stop it because he didn't know the cause.

'I'm just saying,' Michael continued, 'he's not gunna be really helpful if-'

' _Michael,_ ' Geoff warned, and reached forward to yank the pill bottle out of Michael's hands.

'What?' Michael finally seemed to realise the atmosphere of the room. He looked between the bottle and Geoff, and the older man could practically see the cogs turning in his head as he came to a realisation that it must be the _pills_.

'Oh,' he said. So then, like the idiot he wasn't but would swear he was, he continued blindly on. 'But when the doctor comes-'

The reaction was instantaneous. Gavin started shouting, a resounding 'No!' that was echoed by Geoff as Gavin scrambled away. Dan lunged forward as Gavin threw himself backwards, an automatic movement to stop him from hurting himself but only caused Gavin to fight more, screaming when he got caught in the covers of the bed and Dan only got closer.

Geoff dropped the pills and moved to help restrain him when Gavin managed to yank himself free, only to accidentally slam his head into the headboard with his excess momentum. Michael was trying to make himself heard over Gavin, shouting questions and demanding to know what was happening.

Ray swallowed hard and tried to make himself move, but he was frozen.

'Give us the pills!' Dan shouted, voice only just audible over the noise Gavin was making. It took Ray a moment to realise it was being screamed at him. He stared blankly back, flinching when Gavin's hand accidentally knocked Geoff solidly in the jaw.

Geoff didn't react, other than to hold his hand down and grit his teeth. It was his determination that allowed Ray to unfreeze, darting for the pill bottle and quickly handing it to Michael, backing away again immediately.

'Get back here, asshole,' Michael demanded.

'I think I'm good back here, thanks,' Ray tried to respond, but his voice was high and gave away his nervousness.

 _'Now_ , Ray,' Michael growled. 'Make sure he doesn't bite me, or something,'

They were talking like Gavin wasn't still screaming, which he was. He was writhing about, terrified of being held down, unaware that they wanted to help him. It was like all he registered was that they were trying to hold him down, which Ray guessed was all that he _did_ register.

But if he hadn't reacted badly in the first place... 'Maybe we shouldn't,' Ray tried. 'He _clearly_ doesn't want it.' His voice cracked at the end.

'It was the mention of doctors that set him off, not the meds, now fucking _hurry up_ ,' Geoff nearly screeched. His face had a sheen of sweat, and even Dan was grunting from the effort of holding him down, trying to make sure Gavin didn't hurt himself or anybody else. At the very word, Gavin only fought harder.

'Fuck, fuck, okay,' Ray chanted, and surged forward. He fluttered helplessly before finally pressing down on Gavin's chest with his good hand, further ensuring that he couldn't lunge up. Dan and Geoff each held an arm.

'Jesus,' Michael said, frantically shaking the pills out onto his hand. 'How many?'

'Uh,' Geoff managed, 'half. No, one.'

'Alright, _fuck-_ '

'No, more than that,' Dan interrupted. 'His medication has sedatives in it. Give him at least two if you want to put him to sleep.'

'But they've worked before- we don't want to knock him out, just-'

'One, then,' Dan decided, and Gavin only thrashed harder.

Michael kept up a steady stream of loud curses, loud enough to be heard over Gavin, as he forced the pills down Gavin's throat. As soon as he'd made sure Gavin had swallowed, he pulled away, backing straight into Ray.

On cue, Dan and Geoff let go, and Gavin stopped struggling. Instead, once free, he backed against the headboard with wide eyes.

'We'll make sure he doesn't throw them up,' Geoff said. 'Michael, Ray, downstairs.'

'Why?' Michael demanded. 'No, I've gotta stay up here. Gavin's-'

'Not in the mind to have so many people around him at once. Downstairs.'

'But-'

 _'Now_.'

Michael fully intended to argue the point, but Ray pulled at his arm saying, 'Just leave it. The doctor's gunna be here soon, and we should meet him at the door.'

'But I...'

'Come on,' Ray coaxed, and finally, with one last look at Gavin, Michael let himself get pulled out the door.

Michael's eyes never left Gavin's as he let himself get pulled out the door. Once out on the landing, he had to blink himself back into reality as the door was slammed shut in his face by Geoff, who offered him a tight smile and a finger jabbed in the direction of downstairs.

'Time for our walk of shame,' Ray tried to joke, but it fell half flat.

Michael turned to him, eyes wide and searching. Ray wasn't sure he had any idea how helpless, how unusually fragile and unnervingly lost he appeared when he hesitantly opened his mouth to speak.

'I know,' Ray said, before he could get a word out. 'I know.'

Almost immediately, Michael felt himself deflate, almost swaying against the wall as the last of the tension left him in a rush. He hadn't seen what Ray had seen before. He hadn't seen Gavin in meltdown.

It was with that knowledge that Ray pulled him into a hug. 'I know,' he said again, and Michael returned the hug, collapsing into it, when he realised that Ray just might be one of the only people in the world that did. 


	19. but smash the mirror, become free

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow what is late updates  
> the next one will probably also be hella late (and breaking time haha thats fuck i n g not in the forseeable future shit)  
> but this is long and packed so i hope it makes up for it

Michael raised his eyes to meet Ray's when somebody knocked rapidly on the door.

'Is that-'

'Probably.'

He nodded, and in unison, both he and Ray stood from where they'd slid to the floor, leaning against the wall at the bottom of the steps. Neither of them had had the energy to move much, so they'd sat in companionable silence for almost half an hour.

Now, they felt the atmosphere heighten once more, apprehension and worry rolling through the air in thick waves.

Michael was the one that pulled the door open, taking in the man before him. He was nothing spectacular, an average looking, short, dark skinned male with a professional looking briefcase and a nametag that said "DuFresne" in neat print.

He couldn't help it. He felt disappointed.

He'd played this moment out a hundred times in his head. He would open the door, greet the doctor, who was a tall, broad shouldered man with a strong jaw, who was a straight backed, sharp eyed woman with a piercing gaze, who was anything and everything in between besides so anti-climactically _regular_.

With a start, Michael realised the man was holding a hand out. Silently, he shook it, offering a tight smile and moving to the side so he could step inside.

'Lovely home,' the man commented, offering a polite smile.

'Not mine,' Michael muttered. He sounded bitter.

'It's, uh, our friends. Everyone else is upstairs,' Ray said apologetically.

'Of course.'

The doctor looked polite enough, wanting to get to business. Michael could respect that. So without further ado, he led the man up the stairs and knocked on Gavin's door. Ray trailed behind, and Michael didn't miss the way that he watched the doctor with wide eyes.  

Geoff opened it. He didn't say a word, just offered the same tight smile they all offered and welcomed the man in.

Michael desperately tried to get his attention, but Geoff focused solely on the doctor, watching him cross to where Gavin was. Craning his neck to see around him, Michael only got a glimpse as the doctor stood respectfully next to the bed.

If he thought anything, he didn't say it, didn't voice anything about Gavin's silence.

Michael wanted to demand him to say something, say what he thought, but Geoff interrupted him.

'Come on, out,' he said, 'all of us.'

'I'd like to stay, if that's alright,' Dan interrupted.

The doctor glanced away from Gavin. 'I'm afraid that's not possible. We're not allowed to share information on treatment or current conditions.'

'No, please, just let me stay. He always wanted me here, I'm listed as one of his emergency contacts.'

'I'm sorry, Mr Gruchy, but-'

'Dan.'

'Dan. It's not a matter of choice. By _law_ we are not allowed to-'

'You talked to me at the clinic.'

Affronted, the doctor frowned. 'I ensured we breached no privacy laws, and the only reason any conversation involving this case happened was because you instigated it with concerns about my client, and-'

'Wait, alright, please,' Dan tried. The rest of the room, bar Gavin, watched on in silence. 'I'm sorry. I know you're not allowed, but I know that sometimes, exceptions are made.'

Michael frowned but said nothing.

The doctor hesitated. 'It's a violation of-'

'I'm his best friend. Please.'

Another moment of indecision, and the doctor caved. 'I'm not allowed to speak directly with you.'

Dan saw what he was trying to say and jumped on it. 'Yes! Definitely. Whatever you say, thank you.'

Michael grit his teeth in impatience. 'Can you treat him?' he burst out. The doctor opened his mouth to respond, but Geoff took the courtesy, turning immediately back to Michael and offering a smile that showed all his teeth. 'I told you to get out.'

'What, _he_ can stay in here, but-'

'Michael,' Geoff said, very calmly.

Michael felt the hair on the back of his neck stand up.

Torn, he looked between Geoff and Ray, who were watching him warily, and then at the doctor and Dan, who were both watching Gavin. Finally, his eyes landed on the man in the bed, and he couldn't look away.

He stood for a long moment, just watching him. Then, beating down the rush of nerves at his sudden decision, he crossed the room to where Gavin lay, and without hesitation, leant down and pressed a quick kiss to his forehead.

There was silence.

Michael straightened, eyes lingering on Gavin's as they shot to his, before he all but hightailed it out of the room.

 

\----

 

He didn't want to admit he hid in the bathroom, but that's essentially what he did.

It wasn't even a conscious decision. He just ended up there, probably because it was opposite Gavin's room, with the door locked and his forehead leant against it, resisting the urge to bang his head repeatedly.

He couldn't get it out of his head, the way Gavin looked, couldn't stop picturing how he was peering blearily up at Michael as if in a dream, with his tired eyes and constant shivering. And despite Michael's best intentions to ignore it, he couldn't get the matching expressions of shock Ray and Geoff had worn out of his head, either.

But he didn't really care about that. He cared about how cold Gavin felt under him, how small he had looked despite how Michael _knew_ he was much bigger, and frail wasn't a word to describe Gavin Free but maybe fragile was.

As he kissed him, he'd feared he was going to break him.

Michael put his head into his hands and wished he could have stayed there, drawn Gavin into his arms like he had before and just _held_ him, because nothing terrified him more than Gavin being taken from what he'd fought so hard to keep.

And that only made his heart ache more, because Gavin _had_ fought to keep them. He'd called Michael when he wouldn't call anyone else, when he was afraid to call Geoff and Griffon and had to get Michael to do it for him.

And when Gavin called, Michael had come. He'd held him and kept him warm and tried to make him feel safe, feel like he could tell him what was wrong, but he hadn't done enough because now Gavin was lying in his bed with a doctor next to him and _what if he got taken away? What if the doctor couldn't help?_

'Knock knock, asshole.'

Michael flew away from the door as two loud, heavy knocks practically vibrated the door in its frame.

'What?' he tried to spit back, but somewhere in his throat it got caught up and his voice came out wrong, sounding more tired than he'd expected.

There was hesitation. 'You alright?'

'I'm fine, Ray.'

There was sarcastic laughter, and the doorknob rattled as Ray tried to open it. There was a small noise of frustration, then another bang on the door.

'Dude, nobody cares if you kissed Gavin or not.'

Michael mimicked Ray's laugh. 'Good thing that's not what I'm worrying about.'

'Oh. Then what?'

Michael's silence wasn't surprising, so on the other side of the door, Ray tried a different approach. 'You admitted you were worried, I win. Open up.'

Despite Ray's best attempts at casual, Michael could hear the strain in his voice. He was tired, too. They all were.

He felt guilty, but not guilty enough to open the door.

'I'm just trying to think,' Michael told him, reapproaching the door.

'I don't care,' Ray said. 'Think out loud. To us.'

'Are we the fucking Brady bunch?'

'We might as well be, we've got enough problems.' Before Michael could respond, he heard voices, and as he was considering opening the door there was a familiar rattling and it swung open, revealing Ray standing there with keys in hand. 'Was that too soon?'

'The bad joke or the door?' Michael sighed.

Ray shrugged. 'The joke. I guess it was too soon. Come on.'

Michael hesitated. He wanted to stay up here, or at the very least, near Gavin. Without thinking, he slipped past Ray across the hall and leaned in towards the door, straining to hear something.

Ray slid in next to him. 'Stop it.'

'What? Shut up, I'm trying to listen.'

'I know you want to be up here, but you can't hover outside the door and listen to their conversations.'

'Why not?'

Ray hesitated. 'Because... you probably can't hear them?'

'I can hear them just fine.'

'It's morally wrong to eavesdrop?'

Michael stared at him.

'Geoff's downstairs?'

'So what?'

'If Geoff can manage being downstairs, so can you.'

Michael turned back to the door without another word.

'Geoff!' Ray called, waiting until he heard Geoff start towards them before he turned to Michael with a sigh. 'Please, Michael, I don't want to be out here.'

'You don't want-' Michael started to repeat, but Ray cut him off.

'We can't _help_ out here. We can get bits and pieces of a conversation we're going to hear the verdict of regardless. Or we can go downstairs, with Geoff, and-'

'Don't worry,' Geoff declared flatly, ascending the last of the steps with a sigh. 'I've come to join the party.' Without a glance at Ray, he leaned in against the door next to Michael.

Ray blew air out of his nose, throwing his hands up in a rare show of losing his temper. 'Am I the only fucking sane one around here?' he hissed, jabbing a finger at the door. 'You won't be able to hear very much, or _see_ anything, and trying to overhear whatever's being said is just fucking dumb.'

Geoff was watching him with something beginning to resemble worry, but Michael's full attention remained on the door.

Ray reached forward and yanked him back. ' _Stop_ ,' he hissed, before Michael could say a word. 'Just fucking _leave it_.'

Michael wrenched himself out of Ray's grip, but after a glance at the tension in his face, he kept his mouth shut.

'He's right,' Geoff finally conceded. 'Whatever happens up there, Dan will tell us.' Despite his reservations, and that he wanted to hover around the door just as much as Michael did, he could see how worked up Ray was getting. It was clear he didn't want to be there.

'Fine,' Michael finally muttered, outnumbered. 'Fuck.'

He wrung his hands together and tried not to picture what was happening in there, whether it was good or bad, what could possibly happen. His growing sense of unease wasn't unfounded, but that didn't make him feel any better.

And the fact that even Ray was starting to crack was no reassurance. But even now, he was covering it with his usual dry humour.

'Fuck me, I need some coffee,' he laughed, and if Michael hadn't been listening he would have missed the small inflections in his voice. 'All this emotional shit wears a guy out.'

'Coffee's bad for you when your high strung, dumbass.' Geoff shook his head as they moved downstairs. 'But help yourself anyway.'

Ray ignored him. 'Good, 'cos I was gunna.'

'Yeah, whatever,' Geoff said, but he offered Ray a smile as he collapsed into a kitchen chair. 'Milk, two sugars.'

'Am I wearing a sign that says "Geoff's slave"?'

'Don't make me hold you down and write it on your forehead in sharpie, because I'll do it.'

'... point taken. Roger that, boss.' Ray had to put down the coffee jar to salute him.

'How's your wrist?' Geoff asked, frowning at the reminder.

'Eh, I'll live. How many sugars did you want again?'

'Two, Jesus Christ.'

The poor attempt to subtly change the subject didn't go amiss on either of older men, but for Ray's sake, they kept quiet.

The smaller man nodded and got out the sugar bowl, waiting for the jug to boil. He kept his injured wrist cradled to his chest, but his free hand was hovering uselessly at his side, and even from this distance Michael could see him shaking.

'You okay, dude?' Michael asked eventually, frowning.

'Yeah, fine,' Ray said. He tapped a beat out on the counter, facing away from them.

'Really,' Michael said flatly. 'You're totally fine.'

'Fuck off.'

'I'm just saying,' Michael continued, 'it's stressful.'

'No idea what you're talking about.'

'Jesus Christ,' Geoff groaned. 'Forget about my coffee, focus on your own. You need it more than me.'

Ray didn't respond, facing towards the wall. Michael called his name gently. 'You alive there, dude? If you need to sit down, or talk, or something...' he trailed off uselessly. 'I mean, you got me out of the bathroom?' he said, like it made any sense. It did.

Ray didn't speak for a while, but when he did, it was with a whirl to face Michael and the clenching of the knuckles on his free hand pressed desperately against his forehead. 'You don't think he'll leave without helping somehow, right?' he asked, trying and failing to keep the waver out of his voice.

Michael groaned. 'Come on, man, don't be like that. Of course he'll help. Dude's a doctor.'

'He'll see something's wrong?' Ray pushed.

'For sure,' Michael tried, glancing at Geoff. Geoff offered a hesitant nod.

'But what if he sees that _too_ much is wrong?'

There was silence for a long minute, both men trying to figure out a response. Neither of them lost patience, because both of them had had the exact same thought process, and both of them had voiced their own fears.

Ray had the same right they did, and they owed it to him, for supporting them, to try and make him feel better.

'Why don't you sit down, and I'll finish the coffee?' Michael offered.

Ray drew his bandaged hand closer to his stomach. 'No, it's cool. I need shit to do.'

Michael hesitated. 'You sure?'

'Just let Michael do it,' Geoff urged.

'I'm _fine,_ ' Ray shot back.

With almost perfect timing, the mug slipped out of his shaking fingers and shattered on the floor.

There was a long period of silence.

'Well, fuck.' Ray said mildly.

They all stared at the mess on the floor, Michael frowning as he wondered whether Geoff's pets would be at risk, and Geoff wondering if the idiots in front of him would be at risk, and neither of them noticed anything was wrong until Ray started wiping at his eyes.

'Aw, come on,' Michael said. 'It's just a fucking cup.'

'Yeah, I've got like a thousand more,' Geoff assured.

Ray shoved them. 'You assholes think I'm crying over a cup? Fuck your cups.'

'Well, you did,' Michael joked, gesturing to the shards littering the floor. 'Fucked the shit out of it.'

Geoff kicked a shard out of the way as he moved to stand in front of Ray, saying, 'That cup's never walking right again. What's up, buddy? Just the obvious?'

'I don't fucking know,' Ray groaned, burying his face in his hands, muffling his next words. 'I'm a little bitch.'

'It's fine, we're little bitches together,' he assured. 'It's kind of nerve wracking, isn't it?'

'No shit, why do you think I'm crying?' Even as he said it, he wiped the last of his tears away. 'I don't fucking know what I'm doing, I'm sorry.'

'Don't be,' Michael assured, and Geoff continued to rub his back.

'You're a little bitch, but you're our little bitch,' he promised.

'Jesus Christ, you're horrible.' Ray rubbed at his face. 'I'll clean the shit up, I'm sorry.'

Geoff watched him for a moment, scrutinizing him, debating whether to argue, but he figured Ray just needed something to do. And it wasn't like he could break what was already broken. Nodding with acceptance, Geoff leaned back. 'Guess that makes you my slave, then.'

'Ha,' said Ray, very flatly.

Geoff clicked his tongue. 'Seriously though, are you okay? Because if you're not, I can make you some food and set you up on the couch. It's what I do for Gavin, works like a charm. It'll be like role reversal.'

'Daddy Geoff,' Michael commented, like he was going to make a joke.

Geoff went to respond when he stopped, frowning at the faint sound of footsteps until he registered what it meant. He spun to face the staircase as the doctor descended down it. The relieved atmosphere of the room dropped like being dunked in cold water, and Geoff was the first to gain his wits and hurriedly approach the man.

_Please, God, please let him be okay, let him be alright. I'll give up my whole damn life for that kid, just tell me how._

'Uh, so what's the verdict?' Geoff asked, offering the most sincere smile he could. He didn't look like he fooled anyone, let alone the stony-faced doctor he directed it at. 'I mean, is there any immediate action being taken?'

Michael and Ray stood by his side, and he felt himself calm down a little more. He had them.

The doctor cleared his throat and shifted his weight from one foot to the other, the only indication of what he was about to say next. 'Despite extensive discussion with Mr. Gruchy upstairs, it would be considered an advantageous move to shift Mr. Free to a more appropriate environment.'

Michael felt his stomach drop and panic flood his veins all in the same second.

'No no _no_ - _'_ he started to say, and he distantly heard Ray start to do the same, but he was drowned out by Geoff.

'Why is that?' he questioned, and it would have been polite if it hadn't been almost shouted to be heard over Michael and Ray.

Distressed, they shared a similar look of panic, but shut up. It was a subconscious gesture of respect, because both of them were bursting to argue, but one message from Geoff and they both quieted, relying on him to talk his way out of it.

'He's experiencing what may be bordering on a severe relapse. He's unresponsive, and I _was_ informed about the sleeping pills,' he spoke over Geoff when he opened his mouth. 'His lack of contact leading up to this is a very negative sign. It may imply he has been experiencing it for the entirety of the period where there was no contact.'

'How long was that?' Geoff asked, mouth dry.

'Several weeks, now.'

'If we maintain constant contact with you...' Geoff trailed off.

The doctor shifted again. 'It's possible Mr. Free may need to be hospitalized, possibly only briefly, to ensure a safe place where he can stabilize and concentrate on recovery. Furthermore, as supporting members aware of his illness, you may need to have a short respite to gather yourselves and make long term treatment plans.'

'No, please, _listen_ ,' Geoff managed, stepping in front of him even though the doctor made no move to leave. It had the same effect as before, because at the raw emotion in Geoff's voice the doctor sighed and indicated for him to go on.

'If you just let us take care of him-'

'Home based care,' Michael inserted nervously.

Geoff nodded rapidly. 'We formally request home base care.'

The doctor closed his eyes for a brief moment. 'There hasn't been a proper diagnosis made yet on the extent of his symptoms, or whether he is a danger to anybody or to himself.'

'He's not!' Geoff assured.

Nobody said a word about the growing bruise on his face from where Gavin had accidentally hit him earlier. 

'And hospitalization isn't strictly _necessary_ at this point, and believe us, the last thing he wanted was to be hospitalized. He'd probably sign himself out AMA.'

'I'm not legally allowed to discuss this with you,' the doctor reminded, a strange mix of impatience any sympathy in his tone.

'But involuntary hospitalization is a _last resort,_ ' Geoff pressed.

The doctor paused. 'It is,' he said, hedging at his unsureness. 'We aren't discussing involuntary hospitalization, we're discussing voluntary hospitalization.'

_Voluntary hospitalization._

The words rung around the room, echoing in their heads, reverberating in their minds.

Michael, Geoff and Ray all froze. Not a single one of them breathed for a long moment, as the heavy gaze of the doctor flicked between each of them. Finally, Geoff said 'Voluntary hospitalization. When he chooses to admit himself.'

'Yes,' the doctor nodded, somewhat slowly.

'And if we talk it through with him, and he decides not to go...'

'Then further discussion will be had with _him_ , and anybody authorized on his behalf to speak for him.'

'And until then? _Wait_ ,' Geoff managed, when he saw the doctor begin to shake his head. 'Just a vague idea on what action you'll take. Fuck, just tell it to him, and I'll _happen_ to be in listening distance, if that's what it takes.'

The doctor closed his eyes for a long moment before giving in. 'A report will be submitted regarding the situation, and based on a brief examination that determined the cause can justifiably be narrowed down to a lowered dosage of medicine, the most likely method of care will be a gradual return to the established medication levels. The process of re-elevating his medication levels will, with consent, begin immediately.'

They were all too dazed to fully comprehend it.

'This can be discussed at length at one of the following appointments. Anything urgent or any important questions, I'll speak to an _authorized_ spokesman, or Mr. Free himself.'

'So no taking him away?' Ray managed. Geoff shot him a look like poison.

The doctor shook his head. 'At this point in time, I'm not sure I have the legal right. Of course, there is always observational institutionalization, another voluntary process which can help-'

'We'll follow that up in a later appointment,' Geoff interrupted.

'In that case, with the suggestion of proper research being done into his illness,' a look shot at Ray that made Geoff want to strangle him, 'and the agreement to frequent contact, this session will come to a close.'

'We'll make sure Ray gets properly educated, he's new to this,' Geoff said hurriedly. 'But thank you, thank you so much. We agree to all that.'

Michael cringed. Geoff's eagerness to get the doctor out of the house was visible from space.

'It's a trying time,' the doctor said gently, 'I'm sure you're doing the best you can. We're here to help you, not pull you apart.'

There wasn't even a bang when he closed the door behind him, and Michael was left with the same sense of apprehension he'd had when he came.

The second the front door was shut, Geoff was gone, up the stairs and straight to Gavin.

That left Michael and Ray, suspended in disbelief, just watching each other.

'So...' Michael said.

Ray nodded, slowly, uncomprehending. 'That's... huh.'

'He's not getting taken away,' Michael reiterated.

'Apparently not.'

They looked at each other for a moment longer and burst into excited shouting.

'Holy shit!' Michael was saying, over and over, 'Holy shit!'

'I can't fucking believe this. I can't fucking believe it.'

'He doesn't have the legal _right_? Why the fuck were we so scared of him?'

'I don't fucking know, man-'

'We're idiots, but holy shit, Ray!'

They were holding onto each other by the shoulders, gripping each other tight, all but bouncing with a mixture of emotions that threatened to burst from within them.

'This is good,' Michael told him earnestly.

'This is fucking good!' Ray agreed. 'That's... that's everything we hoped for, isn't it?'

'Raise of meds, proper care being taken, _he's not getting fucking taken away!_ '' Michael's voice rose in pitch.

'Jesus, quiet down,' Geoff groaned at them, reappearing at the top of the staircase. He glanced back warily at Gavin's door.

Michael and Ray didn't listen. 'Come on, show a little enthusiasm! No, all the problems aren't fucking _solved,_ but goddamn if that isn't a start!'

Geoff groaned again, trying not to smile at their enthusiasm.

'You realize it's not gunna be that simple, right?' he told them, making his way down towards them. They stopped and turned to him, their excited grins fading a little. 'It's gunna take ages, probably.'

Dan pulled the door to Gavin's room shut with a quiet _thump_ and followed Geoff down the stairs. 'And you barely know what you're doing,' he supplied, somewhat hesitantly. 

'So? We're not gunna let that stop us,' Michael shot back.

He and Ray watched as they came to a stop in front of them, matching frowns now threatening to take over.

'Yeah. I mean, you've gotta have a little bit of fucking optimism,' Ray agreed.

Geoff sighed. 'It wont be instantaneous, is all I'm saying. I don't want you to expect he's suddenly gunna just... get better. I mean, I'm no expert, but I don't think many medications really work instantly,' he warned.

After a moment his face softened, and he offered them a sincere smile. 'But it sure as fuck _is_ something.'

With that, Michael and Ray burst into grins again and lunged forward, pulling Geoff into something that was meant to be a hug but resembled a clumsy tangle of limbs and loud cursing.

Their attention turned to Dan when he laughed quietly. 'You _may_ barely know what you're doing, but you care about Gav just as much as I do.'

'Fuck yeah we do,' Michael agreed loudly, and in unison he and Ray dragged Dan into the clusterfuck of a group hug. As Ray's cheering and Geoff's loud complaints and Dan's laughter filled the room, Michael glanced up at Gavin's door and admitted to himself that when he said he cared about Gavin, he meant it more than anything else in the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> have thE GODDAMN FLUFF I NEED IT YOU NEED IT FOR FUCKS SAKE LET ME HAVE THE HAPPINESS HERE


	20. what more can you hope to be?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oho i know its so short (and after so long! blasphemy) but its really coming to the end of it now, a solid turning point. maybe two or so more chapters after this? ive gotta sort that shit out  
> but i thank those who wait patiently (and those who wait impatiently) (just anybody who reads this okay) and to those who offer motivation and support (all of you), because you're all amazing and i love you all to bits
> 
> read & review, yo

On the first day after the doctors first visit, Gavin didn't speak.

He didn't look at them, or make any move to indicate that he was aware he was alive, bar allowing Geoff to take him to the bathroom and back. He was detached from reality, and it left an empty feeling, a hollow cavity of worry and restlessness in all of them.

Geoff and Michael paced around his bedroom, in front of his door, down the stairs and back up again. They moved their hands and tapped their feet constantly. Ray watched them, wondered if he should bother trying to settle them down, and decided to let them work off their nervous energy however they could.

They shared nervous glances, the optimism of the previous day faded but not gone. There were mixed feelings when Dan returned with the first bottle of medication, as if they expected Gavin to fight against it as he had with everything else, but he swallowed it with no recognition and no argument.

There was very little conversation in the Ramsey-Free household that day. The silence was too thick to be broken, and everything they could think of to say seemed to pale with unimportance and die down in their throats.

The second day ran much like the first, but in a way it was worse.

As if they had expected immediate results, they found themselves hoping that he might look at them, might move in a way that suggested recognition, and found themselves equally as disappointed when he offered no such thing. They swallowed it down and nodded with determination and tried to prepare themselves for what was to come. 

Day three brought silence, coldness, and a sense of foreboding. The unshakable feeling that time was just too far ahead of them, had left them too far behind, and no matter what they did they couldn’t to catch up. That they were too late to help him, too late to try.

On that day, Dan left, leaving promises of communication and updates and any support he could give. In the wake of his departure, light seemed to shrink from every room in the house until it was as bleak as those who were in it.

When they thought they could no longer bear it, the fifth day brought change.

Gavin started to speak.

The relief they all held when he first started showing signs of awareness and _life_ was quick to be replaced by a horrible unease when he didn’t _stop_ speaking, about scratching, about voices, about being watched.

He whimpered and whined and hid himself in the darkness and wouldn't stop talking about shadows.

On the sixth day, Gavin refused to let them near him.

His voice, still hoarse from disuse despite the unending torrent of unintelligible words that fell from his lips, was raspy and dry when he pleaded for them to leave him alone. It hurt to think about just how long it had been since they’d been able to properly talk to him, about something other than the sickness that had overtaken his life and all of theirs, and if leaving him alone would make him any better.

On the seventh and eight days, Gavin didn’t sleep.

The first day, it went unnoticed, but around the twenty hour mark Geoff knew something was definitely up. Worries rose, concerns were shared, the possibility of calling the doctor or potentially having him admitted brought to light.

None of them wanted to do it. They all searched desperately for progress but found only setbacks, searched for hope and found only disappointment. They tried to focus on the upside, tried to remind themselves that recovery wouldn’t be instant, and it had only been a week. They _knew_ it would take time, that every week they managed to pass was a milestone, that for every seven days his medication dose would be raised closer to what had been working, to what always worked, to what just might work again.

They knew it, but it hurt so much and went so slow.

His insomnia broke around nine days in, and he had vivid nightmares every day following, screaming himself awake to the sight of worried faces gathered around his bed. By the end of it, he’d reverted back into stony silence.

Geoff drank constantly, and Michael and Ray clung to each other like shipwreck survivors in a stormy sea.

On the tenth day, Jack visited.

Despite Geoff’s formal requests for all to stay away, Jack had decided he was fed up with it. He entered the house and brought what felt like the sun with him. After being being filled in on the details, he was thoughtfully quiet, but following this his cheerful demeanour persisted, lighting up the house and seeming to force the shadows from almost every room.

He kept them up to date on everything, filling them in on work, coworkers, important moments, all the things they’d completely forgotten in the whirlwind of events and as their worlds narrowed to revolve around Gavin. He checked the fridge, cleaned the house, and opened the curtains to bring in natural light. Geoff, awake at four am after Gavin kept him up all night and seconds from collapsing in exhaustion, muttered to Jack in a sleep deprived mumble that nothing compared to the light Jack brought in just by being there.

He bought food and restocked the fridge and the cupboards, giving them meaingful looks as he did it. While Jack never said _unhealthy_ in as many words, they all heard it.

They'd been so focused on Gavin they'd forgotten to take care of themselves. Jack fixed that.

On the twelfth day, Jack returned.

He went straight up to Gavin and all but dragged Michael away from him, making Ray promise to make the curly haired man eat. Then he sat himself on Gavin’s bed, right next to him, and talked.

First, he did what he’d done for the others: he filled him in on all the recent events, caught him up to date. What movies had come out, anything with celebrities Gavin liked, how Dan was doing. Then, when he’d run out of current events, he told stories, about his childhood, about what he’d done the other day, a funny joke he’d heard  that he’d thought Gavin might like.

He mentioned games he’d lined up at work, to play when they all got back, and briefly mentioned the pile up of cards and notions of support that had come streaming in.

Gavin said nothing, didn’t look at him, and Jack wasn’t sure the bedridden man was listening at all. He decided not to take it personally, instead just continuing his endless stream of meaningless chattering in an attempt to remind Gavin that life existed outside this room.

He left that night, with one cheerful ‘Goodbye!’ and the promise to return when he could. As he left, so quiet he thought he’d imagined it, he heard a tiny, simple, ‘Bye, Jack.’

Jack came back every day after that.

On the sixteenth day, he brought Ryan.

Ryan was quieter, more solemn than Jack had been in being filled in. All he’d been told beforehand was that Gavin was sick, and sentenced to several weeks of bedrest to recover. Though, as smart as he was, he was well aware that it was much more complicated, and he wasn’t hesitant to call bullshit when Jack, trying to respect Gavin’s privacy, tried to feed him the same spiel Ryan had already heard from everybody else.

Geoff was the one to tell him, because Michael spent most of his day at Gavin's side when he was allowed, and when Jack had started visiting, he'd conned Ray into helping him keep the house tidy on a regular basis.

Ryan played a different role. He brought information. He brought vigorous research, spending all day in front of his laptop with a focused frown on his face and any possible findings he thought were useful. But just like Jack, he brought hope.

He'd list little things, like the way Gavin focused more, the way he visually tuned in when somebody talked to him, how he was eating more and sleeping more. He didn't need to list the obvious ones, like the fact that his nightmares had lessened, even if it was only a tiny bit.

He made sure to list them around Gavin, too, and they could all see the way his eyes brightened just a little.

On the nineteenth day, Geoff marched into Gavin's room and threw the curtains open. He turned all the lights on and even lit candles, a testament to his determination, despite that they made no difference to the sudden brightness.

They hadn't really realized how dark Gavin's room was in comparison to the rest of the house until Geoff had finally fixed it.

On the twentieth day, Gavin got out of bed and looked out the window.

By the end of the month, though still plagued by intermittent terrors, he was smiling again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i guess a shout out to Isaac_Kran and those who made me reconsider the plan I had for this, because I never intended Jack or Ryan to really be included but im happy that theyre there.


	21. mirror, mirror, on the wall

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> told u frequent updates nudge nudge  
> mavin!!! mavin mavin maviny goodness! also detail and insight blah. i wanted to write more but decided to cut it off here so there can be more progression, but its wrapping up pre soon!  
> read & review, yo

Gavin blinked tiredly up at the ceiling, trying to adjust while he shook off the sleepiness clinging to him. As he re-established himself within the land of the living and awake, he realised that for what felt like the first time in a long time, he was alone.

Slowly, tentatively, he looked around the room, peering cautiously at everything that his eyes landed on. It was bright, with the curtains shut but all the lights on - they hadn’t been turned off in a while, to prevent any darkness casting shadows.

 _Shadows._ Gavin shivered.

Doing his best to force that thought from the forefront of his mind, he continued his cursory analysis of the room. _Bloody shadows. Mongrels of things. Can’t escape ‘em._

He took a deep breath in and let it out slowly, aware that he was going to end up trapping himself if he didn’t stop thinking about it. He’d only just woken up, for Christ’s sake, he didn’t need to go scaring himself thinking about all the things that could go wrong. But then came the nagging awareness that he’d woken up _alone._

 _Ignore it,_ he told himself forcefully. A noise broke the quiet and he nearly jumped out of his skin, but when he realised it was a real noise, he pricked his ears and listened. If he strained, he could just make out faint laughter from downstairs, and the obnoxious sound of a videogame being played with the volume on loud.

He breathed a sigh of relief. He wasn’t alone - they were right there, even though it felt like they were far away. Why wasn’t anybody in the room with him? Normally, somebody was always here with him, usually Michael. They knew he didn’t like to wake up alone.

Was that corner a shade darker than the others? Because that’s all it needed, just a fraction of darkness and it could appear, could force itself into every corner and manifest in every shadow.

Gavin shivered again, harder, and felt goosebumps appear on his skin. _No,_ he told himself. He heard another noise from downstairs and was overcome with need to see them, to immerse himself with real, living people.

Whenever he was alone, things were so much worse. Nobody was there to help him discern imagination from reality, to help him when he started to lose himself for a moment, to reassure him that they were there.

Which they weren’t right now. They weren’t there, nobody was there, and Gavin was alone in the room.

The need began to assert itself as desperation, and he moved to throw back the covers on his bed and run downstairs when almost on cue, the door opened and Michael stepped in. He stopped short in his tracks, evidently not expecting to see Gavin awake, let alone sitting up and staring at the door, but once he got past his initial shock he burst into a grin.

‘Ayy! You’re awake!’

Gavin fell back against the headboard in relief. The fear that had begun building faded, and the tension seemed to seep from his body at the sight of a real, live person. And he knew it was Michael. He didn’t imagine people anymore.

 _He was getting better,_ he reminded himself.

It didn’t change the fact that he felt like he could breathe again now that somebody was there with him.

‘Yeah, well, don’t act so surpised,’ he grumbled. ‘How long was I alone?’

‘Why?’ Michael tilted his head. Gavin just shrugged, so Michael shrugged too, and closed the door behind him as he walked in. ‘Not long. How’re you feeling?’ he asked, putting a hand to his forehead.

Gavin dodged away. ‘Like you rubbing your mangy fingers all over my face isn’t going to help matters.’

‘You love my mangy little fingers, shut up,’ Michael returned, automatically, and he didn’t remove his hand.

It was quiet for a few moments, both of them caught staring at the other. Michael looked away first, dropping his hand, and Gavin bit back the desire to tell him not too. ‘You didn’t answer my question,’ Michael reminded, and he sat himself beside Gavin on the bed.

‘What do you want me to say? So far so good? That’s a bloody useless question, and you know it.’ Gavin picked at the bed sheets, but he wasn’t oblivious to the way Michael’s shoulders sunk. ‘Well, I’m good now.’

A surprised smile flitted across Michael’s face, but quickly became replaced with concern. ‘Were you-’

‘Doesn’t matter, I said I’m good now. Take a bloody hint, Michael.’

The smile returned, this time stronger. ‘I like to boast I have that effect on people,’ he preened, and Gavin gave him a shove.

‘Bloody full of yourself, aren’t you?’

Michael waved it away. ‘You hungry?’ he asked, remembering the time. Gavin had slept through the morning, amazingly without any nightmares.

Gavin had to think about it. ‘Nah.’

Michael tilted his head. ‘You sure? You haven’t been downstairs in a few days, and I know for a fact Geoff wouldn’t mind cooking up a storm. I wouldn’t, either, even if I can’t cook. Anything to see my _little Gavvy-wavvy smile_ ,’ he cooed, pinching his cheek.

‘Get off me!’ Gavin laughed, smacking his hand away. A moment later, his smile fell. ‘I don’t think I want to go back down just yet. Last time kind of... took it out of me, y’know?’

Michael bit down on his lip to keep himself from frowning. ‘That’s fair enough. Still.’ He left it there, unsure how to proceed. The reminder seemed bleak in the face of the laughter they’d just shared, and he could understand why Gavin’s smile fell from his face.

He wasn’t better yet.

‘I think I might to back to bed, actually,’ Gavin decided. He wasn’t tired, but all of a sudden he didn’t feel like he wanted to be awake. A loud bout of laughter came from downstairs, and it only served to make him feel worse.

Last time he’d ventured downstairs, it had ended badly, and he was more than aware he’d left an impression on Ryan, who had borne the brunt of his meltdown, and ruined everybody’s day for good.

‘Do you want me to join you?’

‘Course. You know I hate being alone.’

‘I mean, you want me to join you for a nap?’

Gavin looked surprised at the question, but a moment later jumped at it. ‘Yeah! Yeah, uh, if you don’t mind. That’d actually... that’d be top.’

‘Anything for my boi,’ Michael shrugged. As if oblivious to Gavin’s hesitance, he threw back the blankets and squirmed his way in next to him, wrapping his cold arms around his torso without a second thought.

‘ _Jesus-_ have some bloody respect, Michael, your hands are freezing!’

‘Are they?’ Michael grinned, and pressed them flush to his stomach.

Gavin shrunk away, gasping. ‘Oh! Get away! I changed my mind!’

For a moment, Michael feared he was serious, that he’d accidentally done something - triggered him somehow - but when Gavin lifted his head, his eyes were sparkling with amusement. Michael’s breath left him in a relieved rush, and he hooked his arm around Gavin's waist and pulled him tight to his chest.

It felt like something they’d been doing for years, the casual easiness of it. But when he thought about it, maybe they hadn’t been so far off. After all, during certain stages of his illness throughout the last month, it had been Michael who was the most willing to pull him to his chest and cradle him to sleep, and Michael who was always there to act as an anchor, letting Gavin curl into him, and Michael who didn’t mind lying next to him all night because Gavin couldn’t sleep alone.

Burying his face in Gavin's hair, Michael breathed in and smiled. His leg automatically pulled them close together, chests touching, Gavin’s head fitting easily into the crook of Michael’s neck.

‘That’s better,’ he decided, his voice muffled.

Michael let out a laugh. ‘You idiot,’ he said, and wrapped his arms tighter.

‘Don’t bloody constrict me, Michael!’

‘Oops. Sorry.’

Gavin rolled his eyes. ‘That doesn’t mean completely let me go.’

‘Right.’

They were quiet for a minute. ‘You don’t have to treat me like a baby, you know,’ Gavin finally said.

Michael pulled his head back. ‘Excuse me? Are you implying this is how I would treat a baby? Because I’m pretty sure I would crush it.’

Gavin made a weak attempt at hitting him, but his arms were pretty comfortable around Michael, so he gave up without a fuss. ‘You know what I mean,’ he huffed. ‘Like I’m made of glass.’

‘Again, I don’t think-’

‘Michael.’

‘Alright.’ He chewed over his words but came up blank. ‘I just... you know.’

‘I know. But Michael, I don’t _want_ to be treated like I’m fragile.’

 _You are, though,_ Michael thought. He kept silent.

‘I get that like... I’m not exactly at full mental stability here, right, I’m not an idiot, but I like it better when everyone’s _not_ expecting me to just... you know? Every five minutes.’

Without realising, Michael’s hand was in his hair, and the other was drawing meaningless patterns on his lower back, fingers leaving a trail of goosebumps on his bare skin. ‘I think none of us can help being wary,’ Michael said carefully. ‘But it’s not because we _expect_ something to happen. We just really, really want to prevent it.’

‘Well, of course, but-’

‘That’s all it is. Really, Gav.’

‘Right.’

Michael could tell he wasn’t happy with the answer, but that’s all he was going to get. If he honestly thought Michael was going to stop being careful, he had another thing coming. He could understand needing some space, and wanting some independence, and even wanting to regain a sense of normalcy... but, forgive him, Michael just wasn’t sure he was ready for that yet.

As if he read his mind, Gavin said ‘Sall right. I still need you, Michael. I’m not there yet.’

He wasn’t wrong. This time next week he’d be on full dosage again, and there was no more scratching at the walls, no more voices or flickers. The shadows were rarer, but he said they still plagued him, the one recurring factor that he couldn’t seem to escape from.

So for the most part, the majority of his initial symptoms were gone. But in their stead they left swift and devastating moments of overwhelming fear and anxiety that something was horribly wrong.

Regardless of how well he was recovering, he held the conviction that every bad experience would lead to a relapse. Though he no longer spent every day in a state of mild to extreme panic, he was still convinced every shadow was menacing and every bad moment presaged something worse.

There was no convincing him otherwise. He was recovering, but he lacked one key factor.

His confidence was destroyed.

He had no faith that he was recovered, though he knew he was recovering, and no amount of debating would make him consider that he could completely return to the level of stability he had previously achieved.

He tried, god, did he try, because he _did_ know he was recovering. His bad moments were now only that, bad moments. He no longer reverted to a helpless, terrified mess every time he experienced something bad, or withdrew into himself, or lost himself in the throes of a panic attack. Now, often (though not always) the moments passed, and though he was left shaking and exhausted, afraid and confused, he wasn’t alone, and didn’t push anybody aside when they offered help.

They held out hope that returning him to his previous dosage would fix that once and for all, but there was no telling. They were more than willing to go above the previous dose if it meant freeing him completely from horrors that clung to him. But while the medication could prevent him from relapsing again, nothing could stop the mental trauma he’d experienced.

Geoff asked the doctor about it, but all he said was that apart from the love and unconditional support they had always offered him, nothing more could be done. It was unknown how much of it was still the schizophrenia, and how much of it he was now unwittingly doing to himself.

They’d been warned it would happen, of course, but it didn’t make it any fucking easier. No amount of warnings in the world would have been adequate enough to prepare them for the crushing disappointment of Gavin’s continual relapses.

 _Not enough time_ , the doctor kept telling them. _Not enough time has passed._

Michael became acutely aware that Gavin was watching him. He peeked an eye open. ‘I thought you were meant to be sleeping,’ he said.

Gavin shrugged. ‘Not actually tired.’ When Michael went to pull away he clutched at him. ‘But I’m happy here. Just not, sleepy happy.’

The auburn haired man huffed a laugh. ‘I’m not too sleepy either. I dunno, I could go either way. I’m pretty damn comfortable, I’ll admit.’

When he felt Michael’s arms shift, he tensed, but Michael was only moving so he could lean down and rest his head back on top of his own. Even though he knew he wasn’t leaving, Gavin couldn’t help but ask, ‘Stay a little while?’

He swore he felt Michael’s lips press into his hair. ‘As long as you need.’


	22. you won't always have control,

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dances around  
> ryan is so lovely to write help  
> i hope you all enjoy!
> 
> read & review, yo <3

A few hours later, Michael gingerly attempted to move his arm. At some point, Gavin had dozed off, still entwined in Michael’s limbs. Michael had, too, but now he was awake, and very aware of his dire need to piss.

He tried to reclaim a little more of his arm, but Gavin clung tight.

'You've gotta be fucking kidding me,' he muttered.

Amazingly, Gavin didn't wake up. Michael frowned and huffed out a breath. ‘Oi,’ he whispered, shaking his arm a little. An experimental kick found his legs were solidly connected, too. There was no getting out of this the easy way.

‘Gavin,’ he called softly. He waited, and upon receiving not even a stir, rolled his eyes. ‘Alright, wakey wakey, eggs and bakey,’ he said, a little louder, and this time Gavin scrunched his nose and mumbled something. ‘Oh, come on, dude, wake up. I really need to piss.’

‘...’

‘Gavin.’

‘Mmf, wot?’

‘Get the fuck up, I need to piss.’

Gavin cracked an eye open. ‘Mister romantic. What happened to bloody... wakin’ up to rose petals, and all that?’

‘I’ll give you the whole shazam if you just _get off me, for the love of God, Gavin-’_

 _‘_ Alright, alright, Christ. Get your panties in a twist, why don’t you,’ Gavin complained, but he finally retracted his limbs and allowed Michael to roll away.

‘Thank Christ,’ Michael half laughed, and disappeared out the door and into the bathroom opposite.

Gavin immediately missed him. He climbed out of bed and made it to the door before realising he couldn’t exactly follow Michael straight into the bathroom. A few moments standing nearly bare in the open doorway made him realise how cold he was, so he distracted himself with finding some clothes to wear while he waited.

He was dressed quickly, throwing on whatever he had at hand, and it took a moment to notice that he’d thrown on the same pyjamas he’d been wearing days before. ‘Oops,’ he said aloud, but by then the door to the bathroom swung open and there Michael stood, in all his mussy glory, one hand stretching up to brush his fingers against the top of doorframe and the other quickly following suit.

‘Goddamn. You cut off circulation to nearly every limb in my body,’ he said, scratching his curly hair.

Gavin looked pleased with himself.

‘Downstairs. Food?’ Michael offered, crossing over to stand closer to him.

Gavin hesitated, and Michael did too, unsure whether to push it or let him stay in his comfort zone.  ‘Could always get Geoff to bring you up something,’ he offered, and Gavin nodded slowly.

‘I guess,’ he agreed. He felt a bit bothered by the fact that they couldn’t hide out together in that bed for any longer, but it was evident that Michael was done lying around for the time being, and it would be plain selfish to ask him to stay any more. ‘Go eat some food. I’ll... be down soon.’

Michael brightened. ‘Yeah? You’ll come down?’

‘Yeah.’

‘Fucking A! I’ll tell Geoff to start cooking.’

‘That’s okay,’ Gavin argued, ‘See you in a bit?’

Michael hesitated, but by that time, Gavin was disappearing into the bedroom. ‘I guess so,’ he grumbled to himself, and made his way downstairs.

Gavin waited until he was gone before letting out a long breath. Already, he could feel the discomfort setting in, and he was already regretting not taking him up on his offer to join them downstairs straight away.

Why did he want to stay up here?

He took a long look around the room. It wasn’t nearly as bright without Michael, and not nearly as safe without anyone around. His skin prickled and goosebumps rose up along the bare skin of his arms.

As if daring fate, he hesitated there a little longer. When claustrophobia started setting in, that was all he could handle, and he was quick to open the door again and make his way to the top of the stairwell, set on going down to join them, when he paused again.

From here, he could hear them laughing, and he could tell Michael was already back in the conversation. Gavin wasn’t sure he could find that level of comfort with them, but maybe that was just the insecurity talking, and that wasn’t an idea he took too well to. Gavin wanted familiarity, and return of the old easiness, and he couldn’t get that if he didn’t at least goddamn _try_.

With a determined nod to himself, he walked down the stairs.

'Motherfucker,' Geoff was complaining, kicking his feet at the pillow on the end of the couch. He tapped the controller irritably, watched the death sequence play out with a frown. 'Yeah fuckin' _right_ , like _that's_ gunna kill me. Why do people even play this shit, it's elementary level bullshit-'

'Complaining to a tv screen could also be considered elementary,' Ryan piped in.

'Good thing I don't pay you to tell me what you consider elementary then, _Ryan_ ,' Geoff returned smugly. They remained unaware of the approaching man.

Ryan held his hands up, conceding defeat, but after a moment he raised an eyebrow. 'Although _technically-'_

Michael groaned. 'Here we go.'

 '- I'm not under your jurisdiction right now, as we're currently not at work.'

' _We're currently not at work,_ ' Geoff mimicked, dropping his controller long enough to make derisive gestures at Ryan. Still hovering at the doorway, Gavin smiled.

'Well, now you're just being childish.'

'Ryan the child guy,' Michael supplied.

Ryan pulled a face. 'I _don't_ think that's something I particularly want to be known as.'

'Well then maybe you shouldn't be so goddamn creepy all the time!'

'And now you're being mean. Where does it end with you two?'

'I'll give you mean,' Geoff threatened, but before he could continue a small laugh at the doorway made them pause.

It was quiet for a few moments as they all looked over, taking in the sight of Gavin, looking uncomfortable at the sudden attention all directed at him. He was standing nervously at the doorway. 'What are you guys talking about?' he asked, standing there awkwardly for a moment before taking a few steps in.

'How much we hate you,' Geoff said, at the same moment Michael piped in with 'What an asshole you are.' They looked at each other, acknowledging their shared moment with a mutual look of happiness and Geoff throwing a thumbs up his way. 

Gavin huffed another soft laugh. 'No you weren't, you were talkin' bout Ryan. Could bloody hear you from all the way up there, couldn't I.'

'Then why’d you fucking ask?’ Geoff responded automatically, but he was pulling himself off the couch. 'How is it?'

'How's what?'

' _Gavin_.'

'It's fine,' he huffed out, annoyed. 'Otherwise I wouldn't be down here, would I?'

'You might have needed something,' Geoff countered, ready to argue the point. Before he could, Ryan chimed in, trying to defuse any situations that might arise.

'He looks alright to me.'

'Well that's _great,_ Ryan, but-'

'Nah, Ryan's right, he looks fine. C'mere, boi,' Michael beckoned. Relieved, Gavin picked his way over to him, eyeing the rubbish on the floor warily.

'Well _excuse me_ for caring,' Geoff muttered, but he let it go. He cracked his wrists, looking at the game he'd been playing, before scrunching his nose and deciding to abandon it. 'Shit, I need to shop. Fuckin’ Jack's been shouldering all our shopping bills, I totally forgot.' He put his head in his hands and heaved a sigh.

'I'll chuck him a hundred when I see him next,' Michael told him. 'I offered to pay before, like the third time I noticed him stocking up our cupboards and shit.'

' _Our_ cupboards?' Geoff repeated, peeking up at him questioningly, watching Michael's expression change from confusion to realisation. He couldn't help but laugh at the uncertain look that crossed his face.

'Uh, what I _meant_ was, our cupboards, because I use them while I'm _here_...' he trailed off when Geoff started wheezing with laughter, and then, overtop, he heard Gavin start to laugh, complementing Ryan's deep chuckle as he joined in, too. 'Stop bullying me, assholes,' he ordered, but couldn't stop the smile on his face. 

'Hey,' Ryan said. Then he shrugged. 'Fair enough.'

Geoff snorted another laugh, wiping at his eyes dramatically. 'You should have seen your face though, dude.' They waited patiently while he went through another bout of laughter, resisting their own smiles. ‘Alright, I'm done.’

'Are you sure? Because, you know, we can wait.' Michael made a show of settling in.

'Nah, fuckin' ... I'm done. Come on, I'm not an asshole- it's practically your house, too, idiot.'

Gavin gazed at Geoff with a mixture of appreciation and gratitude, and he could feel Michael squirming at the display of kindness. Ryan looked at Geoff, then looked at Michael and Gavin, and decided he could be more useful elsewhere. 'That's my cue to go,' he informed the room at large.

Gavin turned to him, looking worried. 'No, you don't have to.'

'I know I don't,' Ryan responded. 'But look at me go anyway.'

'Where are you going?' Gavin called after him. He moved to get up.

Ryan paused for a long moment, watching him. Then, as if Gavin had confirmed something, he nodded. 'To the kitchen, I require hydration.'

He waited until Gavin relaxed again, noting that he was curled more into Michael than he'd previously been, and turned to Geoff.  'Actually, that reminds me, can I talk to you, Geoff?'

'Huh? Me? Why?'

'It's work related,' Ryan lied.

'Well then I don't give a shit. I told Burnie we needed this time off, and if he thinks for a single minute-'

'Geoff. Kitchen. Now.'

Geoff looked at him, hard, but Ryan glared right back. 'Don't tell me what to do, asshole,' Geoff complained, but finally acquiesced and made his way behind Ryan into the kitchen. As soon as they were far enough from the doorway for Ryan to deem it acceptable, they turned to face each other, with Geoff crossing his arms across his chest. 

'Jack and Ray left yesterday, right?' Ryan asked, getting straight to the point.

'I don't see them around the house, do you?'

'That's not - can you not be an asshole for like, a minute, so I can talk to you?'

'I'm-' Geoff started. He groaned and closed his eyes briefly. 'Alright, I'm sorry, I'm being an asshole. I'm just worried about-'

'Gavin, yes, I know, which is what I wanted to talk to you about. Look, I'm obviously not a medicine man, or a doctor, or qualified in _any_ legitimate way.'

'Yeah, yeah, we know, but we already take what you say as important, because you wouldn't tell us shit you weren't sure about, so get to the point.'

'When Jack and Ray left, did they leave separately, or together?'

'Uh, Jack dropped Ray home, so... together.'

Ryan nodded. 'And how did Gavin react?' When Geoff cringed, Ryan just nodded again, like that was exactly the reaction he expected. 'Precisely.'

Geoff waited. When Ryan made no move to explain, the tattooed man waved his hands in a _get to it_ gesture.

'Jesus Christ-- He's getting separation anxiety. Badly.'

'Alright,' Geoff drew out, waiting for Ryan to elaborate. 'What the fuck does that entail?'

'Pretty much what you've already seen. He can't stand people leaving him.'

'Why?'

Ryan shrugged. 'Uh, a tonne of reasons? It's really probably very complex, but it likely ties into the crux of the issue, which is that he was afraid of us leaving him - or, rather, him being taken away, it was probably a bit of both, to be honest, but-'

'But what the fuck does that entail?' Geoff repeated, demanding. 'Jesus Christ, _English,_ Ryan!'

'Just that leaving him is going to be very difficult, and leaving him _alone_ is probably nigh impossible.'

Geoff rocked back on his heels. 'Yeah. Yeah, that figures.' He rubbed at the scruff on his face while Ryan watched him. 'Uh, you got a plan?'

'Me?' Ryan looked surprised. 'Fuck no. Uh, never leave him alone again?'

The look Geoff gave him was withering, and Ryan quickly threw his hands up. 'Alright. Then what do you propose?'

'I don't know, asshole, that's why I asked you!'

'Alright, alright, look. You can talk to him about it, make sure he knows what it is, what it means, and then it'll be just another step in his recovery, learning to overcome the fear of people leaving him.' Ryan looked pleased at himself.

Geoff, however, was pinching the bridge of his nose, trying to imagine how such a conversation would go down. 'Alright, fine. I'll try talking to him about it. Any other words of wisdom before you go?'

'Yeah, actually.'

 _'Great._ '

Ryan ignored him, choosing instead to look directly at him, eyes surprisingly gentle.

'You're doing a good job,’ he said. ‘You don't need me to tell you this, but I'd like to do it anyway. Helping someone in a situation like this is never easy, never not stressful, and rarely offers anything direct that lets you know that everything is improving. But it _is_ improving, and you know that. That's why I like to tell you when I notice this or that, certain things I think are improvements, because I know you're so worried about him that sometimes you miss the signs that tell you that you're doing something right.'

Geoff was quiet.

'And sometimes, you need to know that it's appreciated, even though that's not what you're looking for.' He put a hand on Geoff's shoulder. 'I truly believe you're doing the best you can.'

'Well, shit,' Geoff mumbled. 'Now _I'm_ the asshole.'

Ryan just smiled at him.

Geoff groaned. 'Come here, you piece of shit,' he commanded, and enveloped Ryan in a hug. 'Now fuck off, I'm sure your family misses you.'

'Not as much as yours does you,' Ryan replied, and he was gone before Geoff could ask what the fuck that meant.

'Cryptic asshole,' he complained, moving to return to the living room. He stopped in the doorway, automatically, then stayed stopped, wondering what had piqued his interest. When his eyes landed on Gavin, curled very much so into Michael's side, it clicked.

'So when were you going to tell Daddy Geoff about this _blooming romance?_ ' he asked, watching as Michael's eyes shot to his.

'Uh, surprise?’ Gavin offered. He frowned. ‘Where’s Ry?’

‘No, not surprise,’ Geoff disagreed. ‘But whatever, I don’t feel like doing the whole dad thing. Congratulations, assholes.’

Michael was looking at Gavin, who was still looking around the room, waiting for Ryan to emerge from the kitchen. He nudged him. ‘Are we a blooming romance?’ he asked, frowning.

Gavin remained distracted. ‘Well, yeah, you kissed me, didn’t you. And you’re all sweet and stuff - where’s Ryan?’

‘Great, I don’t get a choice in the matter _and_ he’s too busy looking for another man,’ Michael joked, but he looked pleased, and he wrapped a hand around Gavin’s.

‘Yeah, I’ll leave you two to figure out the details of that later...’ Geoff cringed. ‘Uh, Ryan left, by the way?’

‘What? He said he was-’

‘Yeah, but then he had to go...’ Geoff rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. ‘He said bye?’

Gavin started to disentangle himself from Michael. ‘Where’d he go? Is he coming back? Why did he-’

‘Alright, alright, before you get your panties in a bunch, settle down.’ Geoff waved his hands at him, gesturing for him to take a seat again. ‘No, seriously, we need to have a little talk about some things.’

'Can it wait?'

'Are you going to freak out because Ryan isn't coming back? Because, that's what this is about.'

That silenced him. He looked at Geoff, as if he was deciding whether to be hurt over the indelicate phrasing, before slumping back into the chair with a huff. 'Well, what is it, then?'             

'You, well...' Geoff hadn't thought this far ahead. 'Don't cope too well with people leaving you. And people, at some point, are gunna have to leave you.'

'Jesus, Geoff,' Michael said. 'Couldn't have gone into that a little easier.'

'You know what I mean, and there's no point denying it, Gav, because Ryan told me this, and Ryan's like... _Ryan._ '

'I'm not bloody arguing it,' Gavin said, incredulous.

'You're not?' said Geoff, and surprisingly, Michael.

'No! I don't _want_ you to leave me alone. No point lyin' about it, is there?' He looked between the two and crossed his arms.

Geoff floundered. 'Well, alright. But you're going to have to be alone sometime, Gavin, and-'

'No, I don't! If you aren't bloody _assholes_ and don't leave me then there won't be a problem, will there? It's that easy!'

'Well...' Michael said, but he went ignored.

'It's not that easy,' Geoff argued. 'We can't be around you at all times.'

'Why the hell not?'

'Because- help me out, Michael,' Geoff demanded, but Michael just shrugged, as if to say _what are you gunna do?_   'Well - what about when somebody needs to piss and someone else just went to get a sandwich?'

Gavin's retort was instant. 'Then I'll go to someone else.'

Geoff rubbed at his temples, repressing a groan. 'Someone who doesn't know jack about shit and won't understand if you need them to walk you back to somebody who does?'

Gavin frowned. 'I'm not a goddamn baby, Geoff. Just 'cause I don't wanna be left alone doesn't mean I can't handle it.'

‘Alright. Then Michael and I will leave the room. Right now. For twenty minutes.’ He started to stand, beckoning for Michael to do the same.

‘No- alright, wait.’ At the smirk Geoff gave him, Gavin huffed a sigh. ‘You’re a bastard, Geoff.’

‘I’m a bastard that’s trying to help,’ Geoff corrected.

‘Look, Geoff, with all due respect... There’s at _least_ five of us at the office, so more than likely, there’ll be someone there at any given time. Until the problem is solved, we can work something out.’ The look Geoff gave him was withering, but Michael stood his ground. 'At least for now. And he's getting better, soon he'll be back on full dose, isn't that right, boi?' He nudged Gavin.

'Yeah. And don't nudge me, you tosser, nearly took my eye out.'

Michael beamed. 'See? Practically good as new.'

They all knew that wasn't the case, but the smile Gavin gave him matched Michael's in warmth.

Geoff groaned. Loudly. 'Isn't avoiding problems what got you into this in the first place?' he asked. He actually thought he had a pretty good point there, but Gavin didn't seem impressed.

'It's different, innit. It's fine, Geoffrey. See? Ryan's gone and I'm fine.'

'Amazing.'

'As long as someone's with me, it's all gravy.'

'And how do you know someone-'

'Me!' Michael interrupted. 'I'll fucking follow him to the bathroom, I don't give a shit.'

'Yeah!' Gavin agreed, encouraged. 'My boi won't judge me.'

'Fuck no, boi!'

'You're my boi!'

'Bois for life!!'

'... are you done?' Geoff asked, looking between them. 'Not gunna make out, or anything? I mean, go right ahead, I'll just stand here, alone. The sole voice of logic and reasoning.' He paused. 'Where the fuck is Ryan when you need him?'

They ignored him, so Geoff took a direct approach. ‘Michael’s not gunna solve all your problems, Gav.’

Michael frowned. ‘I’m not?’

‘He’s not?’

'No! Jesus. Look... I'm all for him supporting you, and for anyone supporting you, but don't you think needing someone around you is...' he trailed off. He couldn't say unhealthy, for obvious reasons, and that kind of took the core out of his argument.

Gavin was sick, although getting much better, and if he needed someone, if he needed people nearby as a crutch to help him get back on his feet, why the fuck was Geoff arguing? Rome wasn't built in a motherfucking day, and goddamn, Geoff just didn't want to make it harder later by trying to make it easy now.

'Shit,' he sighed, rubbing his eyes. Gavin seemed to sense his change of heart, by some ungodly sixth sense, because he shot him a smug look and curled right back into Michael, who shifted to make room for him again and absentmindedly put his hand in his hair.

Geoff shook his head, but he couldn't deny the fact that just watching them together filled him with more confidence than he'd had in a while.

He could do this. _They_ could do this.

As if to prove him right, Gavin pressed his face into Michael's neck, and the only word Geoff could find to describe how he looked was  _peaceful._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> also i'm ragamuffiin on tumblr i guess i should start merging these things


	23. breaking through may get me cut,

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 2nd to last chapter.  
> man this entire time i was receiving comments like 'im waiting for the downside' and i was like wow nobody believes in me to end it happily from here but then i wrote this so fuck 
> 
> beep boop im now ragamuffiin on tumblr
> 
> read & review, yo

 ‘Well?’ Geoff demanded, voice cracking on the single syllable. ‘Are you coming or not?’

‘I’m coming, I’m coming, hold your bloody horses. Wanna look respectable, don’t I?’ Gavin stuck his tongue out in concentration and adjusted his shirt so it fit his frame properly. When he was finally satisfied, he turned to Geoff and shot him a smug grin.

‘For work.’ Geoff looked at him. ‘You realise you always look like a dick one hundred percent of the time, so any extra effort made on your part is wasted, and-’

‘ _Thank you_ for your kind support, Geoffrey,’ Gavin interrupted. ‘It’s very valuable to me in my time of need.’

'Here to help,' Geoff shrugged. 'Are you done?’

Gavin looked in the mirror once more and nodded in determination. ‘Ready as I’ll ever be. Where’s Michael?’

‘Around here somewhere, undoubtedly,’ Geoff sighed.

As if Michael knew they were talking about him, he popped his head around the corner. ‘Boi!’ he cheered, when he saw Gavin, throwing his arms open and gesturing up and down exaggeratedly at him. ‘You look _top_!’

Gavin grinned. ‘See! That’s more bloody like it!’ he exclaimed, and turned to poke his tongue out at Geoff.

Geoff just sighed again and rested his forehead against the doorframe. Michael, however, ' _Scuse me'_ d his way across the room and enveloped Gavin, oblivious to Geoff’s arched eyebrow and noise of impatience.

‘Too cute,’ Geoff said, voice dripping with sarcasm.

'Me and my boi,' Gavin began, ruffling a hand in Michael's curls, 'undoubtedly the- _ah, Michael!_ '

‘Don’t touch my hair,' Michael replied.

‘Aw, Michael. Now I'm sad.’

Michael just straightened from where he’d shoved Gavin away and finally turned to Geoff, ignoring Gavin completely.

‘Oh, you assholes finally deciding to give me the light of day?’ Geoff asked sarcastically, and turned away before they answered. ‘If you don’t move your asses I’m leaving without you!’ he threatened, voice warbling all over the goddamn place as he strode towards the front door.

Behind him, he could hear Gavin chattering excitedly to Michael as they began to follow him, but Geoff was distracted, running over the plans for the day in his head, hoping it wouldn't be too much, that Gavin wouldn't get overwhelmed, that nothing would go wrong.

As he entered the car and waited, Geoff crossed his fingers, and hoped that for Gavin’s sake, today would be a Good Day.

 

\- - - - - -

‘Hey, Gavin!’

‘Gavin! Good to see you back!’

‘Oh, fuck, it’s this asshole again.’

The last greeting came from Burnie, who enveloped Gavin in a bear hug so tight the smaller man was wheezing when he was finally put down. There were some quiet words murmured to Geoff while Michael stood cheerily by, laughing at Gavin and rubbing his back while Gavin was bent double, trying to catch his breath back.

After a few moments after the secretive conversation had ended and Gavin had regained his breath, Burnie patted Geoff on the back, saying ‘It’s good to see you both back,’ before collecting his morning sandwich of the bench and heading to his office.

‘He says he’s raising my pay rate,’ Geoff said, when Gavin looked at him curiously, waggling his eyebrows in an obvious question about what they'd been talking about. Like he didn't know it was about him.

Geoff avoided it anyway. ‘And lowering yours.’

‘Aw, you deserve it, Geoff,’ Michael agreed.

‘Kiss-ass,’ Gavin muttered, and nudged Michael’s shoulder with his own. Then Geoff fell in by his other side and together the three of them advanced towards the office.

Ray met them outside the door, giving a declaration of ‘Aw, sweet! Vav’s back!’ when he saw them, face lighting up. Jack poked his head outside the door, followed by the rest of his body, and he offered Gavin a hug that Gavin declined.

‘Still trying to breathe from the last one, thanks,’ he said.

‘Aww.’

‘Don’t worry Jack, I’ll hug you,’ Ray offered, not serious in the slightest.

'Gavin! You're back! Finally, somebody to bother that provides a reaction.' Ryan looked at Ray and Jack. 'Really, they're no fun at all.'

Ray shrugged. 'Glad to be of service.'

'Anyway,' Ryan continued, and nodded at Gavin when he smiled at him. ‘Good to see you out and about,’ he said sincerely.

‘Yeah, well, all the comedy was gone without me,’ Gavin waved off, but he was smiling.

Geoff laughed sarcastically and entered the office.

‘That’s mean!’ Gavin called after him, following him in. ‘I’m the height of humour!’

He shivered when he walked through the doorway, hit with the sudden remembrance that all the last memories and all his last experiences in this room had been _bad._

Nervously, he laughed to cover how he'd hesitated in the doorway, and forced himself to walk to his desk. 'I don't spose it's too much to ask that nobody mugged up my stuff while I was gone, is it?'

'Is it?' Ryan and Ray parroted.

Gavin gave a half laugh and sat himself down. His hands curled subconsciously around the edge, holding on for support as he tried to quell the nausea that had risen in his stomach in the short time he'd been inside.

Nervously, he looked over his shoulder and glanced around the room. When his scan of the room yielded nothing, he licked dry lips and reminded himself that he was better now, and searching around the room looking for things that shouldn't be there wasn't something that _better_ people did.

He shifted in his seat and returned the smile Michael gave him.

'Christ,' Geoff was groaning. 'I've missed this.'

'Aw, Geoff,' Ray began, preening.

'I said I missed _this._ Not _you._ '

Ryan raised an eyebrow at him. 'Does this mean-'

'And _especially_ not _you_.'

'Well,' Ryan said. He started a response that Gavin zoned out of, focusing instead on running his hands along the edge of his desk, comforted by the feel of real, solid material beneath his fingers. Tapping his fingers, he tried to resist the urge to glance over his shoulder again.

The feeling in his stomach was making itself known, sending small shivers up his spine. Sweat was beading on his forehead and when he realised that, realised it was an indicator of how ill and _wrong_ he was beginning to feel, everything only started getting worse.

His skin itched, and the room felt stifling.

' _Gavin_ ,' Michael said, and a hand landed on his shoulder.

Gavin nearly jumped a mile, his eyes darting nervously from the hand on his shoulder to Michael, who was peering at him in concern.

'Sorry,' he responded dimly. 'Just zoned out.'

Michael frowned at him. 'You alright?'

The correlation between this and how it used to be, back when scratching could start up at any moment, when he couldn't be sure if the hand that landed on his shoulder was real, back when _he was alone in this_ was not lost on him.

He swallowed and shook his head, forcing that thought from his mind.

'Just a bit weird, being back in here,' he said, somewhat truthfully. He kicked his feet.

'True,' Michael allowed, leaning back. He sat back in his chair, but scooted closer. 'Are you like, okay okay? Just a bad moment?'

'Yeah,' he said, and Michael lifted an eyebrow at the sudden hoarse quality to his voice but said no more.

That seemed to be answer enough for Geoff, who was watching him as well, debating whether to go towards him or give him space, because he turned back to his screen. Gavin didn’t see the _watch him_ gesture Geoff made to Jack, nor the nod he received in return. He was turned in his chair, scanning the room, squinting at the people who were still looking at him.

‘Stop it,’ he ordered, 'Stop watching me. Go back to... whatever you were doing.’

‘Fucking nothing lately,’ Ryan sighed, but turned obediently back.

‘Yeah, you mean like, jack fucking shit,’ Ray laughed, and followed suit.

Relieved their eyes were elsewhere, Gavin stared down at his desk.

Just a bad moment. Bad moments didn't always lead to meltdowns.

How many times had he heard that? How many times had Geoff and Michael repeated that mantra to him when he found himself lurching to a stop when he swore he heard something he shouldn't, or when he flinched away from something that wasn't actually there?

Just a bad moment. Bad moments didn't always lead to meltdowns.

But he didn't _feel like_ the moment was fading. Normally he'd be hit quick and hard, with flashes of a shadow or sudden, overwhelming feelings of fear and anxiety and terror. They'd pass, and he would recover, shaky and a little disoriented, with Michael or Geoff or Ray at his side.

But this was still here, building slowly, and that unnerved him even more.

Dimly, he ran his fingers over his desk again, but the comfort he'd first achieved with it was gone. He remembered the times he’d gripped it until his knuckles were white when he’d heard voices, when he’d heard scratching at the walls. He thought of the time when he’d seen Michael’s face contort and twist into something unimaginable, when he’d been handed poisoned coffee that had never existed, where he’d knocked his chair over to run from the room.

His skin itched uncomfortably, prickling. Sweat dripped down the back of his neck.

'Gavin?'

That was Michael. He was next to him again, concern on his face, and Gavin automatically leaned away from him before he caught himself and moved back.

Aware it was more than just Michael watching him, and that they were probably getting suspicious, he shook his head rapidly. ‘Sorry,’ he said, his mouth dry, 'It's just...’

He didn’t finish his sentence.

‘Gavin,’ Geoff started. 'Maybe we should...'

‘Don’t, Geoff. Let me just...’ he gestured to his computer. 'I need to... you know?'

‘No, see, now you’re doing what you used to do,’ Geoff started, spinning in his chair to face him fully. ‘That’s how you used to respond. You know, back when we didn’t have a _fucking clue_. If you need more time, fucking say so! If something's up, _tell us!_ ’

Michael squeezed his shoulder, offering the same, but in less words.

Gavin nodded and licked his lips, but he didn't answer. He felt hot, all of him felt hot, hating that they were watching him, watching him go from _healthy_ and _practically recovered_ to a sweating, shaking, mumbling mess.

He couldn't stand it. Since Michael’s hand was on his shoulder, the auburn haired man felt the violent shiver that ran through him.

‘Can we turn up the air con?’ Gavin asked loudly, speaking over whatever Michael had begun to say.

Ryan frowned and went to open his mouth, but thought the better of it. Ray, however, didn’t.

‘It's not even hot,’ he pointed out.

'Dude. What's up.'

Michael wasn't letting him off the hook. He could sense it, and that unnerved Gavin rather than reassured him.

‘Just want everybody to stop staring at me,’ he muttered. He couldn’t explain how he was feeling, how an odd pressure was building inside him, how his entire body was starting to crawl with an indescribable but not _unfamiliar_ sensation.

How as soon as he'd entered the room, tainted with memories that seemed unescapable, he had started to feel like he couldn't breathe.

He couldn't say any of that, so he kept his mouth shut. 

If he couldn't make it through this first day, this first day back in the _real world,_ it would feel like it was all for nothing. Like he was getting nowhere. Even though he'd been doing so well at home, had only had one breakdown in the past week.

He still had moments every day, but they passed. This would pass.

Being back in a room that held this many strong memories... it was a lot. But he could do it. He just needed everyone to have a little faith, offer a bit of support, and _stop staring at him._

He could feel them watching him, waiting for him to make a move or gesture or anything that would give away how he felt. But he was nothing if not determined, and they said they were there to help. He wasn't alone.

'Staring at me isn't helping,' he said aloud. Michael shifted guiltily, and across the room, Geoff muttered a quiet ' _Whatever._ '

He saw them look away, but he couldn't shake off the prickling sensation creeping up his spine.  When he chanced another glance upwards, he was faced with them all looking resolutely at their screens.

But he still felt his skin crawling. 

His entire body crawling.

And it was so _hot_. Stifling. Overwhelming, and they were watching him, waiting for him to slip up-

'Gavin, seriously, I'm gunna take you-'

He had to get out of this room.

He spun around, not even bothering with spitting excuses because they _knew_ , probably _expected it_ , so he just flung himself out of his chair and-

God, no.

No no _no_ -

There, above the doorway, the same doorway that too many times had held shadows, was the shattering realisation that it wasn't them that had been watching him, but something else entirely.

Every second he stared was a second more he felt like the world was crushing down on him.

He realised he'd whimpered Michael's name, and now the whole room was up and on their feet, watching him.

Ray was the first to pick up on it, to make the connection and follow his petrified gaze to the corner a little darker than the others. Geoff was next, and one by one, they all looked. Their gaze stayed, and for a long, horrifying moment, Gavin was convinced it was real.

And then they turned back to him, almost all at once, different faces reflecting the same bitter look of disappointment.

He opened and closed his mouth, trying to speak, to apologise because he was meant to be better, but he was having enough trouble trying to _breathe_.

'He was doing so well,' somebody muttered, and they sounded _hurt._

God, was that Geoff?

'It's the room,' Ryan determined, from somewhere next to him. 'Get him out.'

Michael moved, presumably to his side to get him out, but it was too late, Gavin could see the shadows again, could feel them in his soul, telling him he wasn't enough, wasn't good enough, that the reason he couldn't breathe properly wasn't because of the _shadows_ but because of what they meant.

Then Ryan was at one side and Michael at the other and they were carrying him out of the room. They led him into the hallway and he collapsed to the wall outside the office, dragging air into his lungs, breathing, breathing.  

Slowly, as his gasping subsided, his vision cleared, the blurriness around the edges fading.

The concerned faces surrounding him all swum into focus, and following the relief of being out of there, away from the stifling heat and overwhelming memories and horrific constructs of his own mind came the return of crushing, agonising disappointment.

Maybe he was free of that room and those shadows, but he was sure he'd never be free of one thing.

His schizophrenia, for all it might fade into the background, was here forever.


	24. but over time, wounds heal shut.

'You're wrong, you know,' Michael told him that night, whispering it quietly into the curve of his neck when they lay in their bed in the middle of the night, unable to sleep.

Gavin turned his head away, but his hand found its way into Michael’s regardless, tracing meaningless patterns into his palm.

'I'm not lying. And I'm not wrong. Unlike you. You're very wrong,' he repeated, running a hand up Gavin's stomach. He lay his other hand  against Gavin's chest, palm pressing down above his heart, reassured by the repetitive thump-thump against his hand telling him that Gavin was here, breathing, and safe.

'It's okay, Michael,' Gavin said, his own voice a whisper. 'I've accepted it. Some people just... don't get better.'

Despite the ache that shot through his chest, Michael made an indignant noise. 'But you shouldn't just accept it,' he protested, and ignored it when Gavin tried to tell him to hush. 'Maybe you're not completely wrong. Maybe it will never go away completely. But don't you think you'll only continue to get better? Look at you, this past month and a half, you've-'

He cut off when Gavin rolled away from him, curling into a small ball at the edge of the bed.

'Baby,' Michael breathed, the name coming off his lips without a second thought. He only moved closer, wrapping an arm over Gavin again and pressing against his back. 'Listen, Gavin. You're still getting better.'

There was a period of silence, and Michael almost believed Gavin was asleep. But his breathing was still shallow, and every now and then he'd sigh softly.

'I keep relapsing,' he finally muttered, bitter and hurting. 'I relapsed in the first place.'

'That's no excuse,' Michael said immediately. 'You went off your damn meds - well no, but you know what I mean. They went down, and you didn't know. Fuck, if I'd suffered a traumatic experience as a kid, and all of a sudden it started coming back, I probably would have done the same thing. You were confused, and you were scared. You were an idiot for not at least mentioning it to your doctor, but fuck, you had your reasons for that too.'

Gavin was quiet.

'And you can't even begin to tell me you haven't improved,' Michael insisted, not bothering to be quiet anymore. He was sitting up now, too, and Gavin had turned to face him. He could just make out the outline of his face in the darkness.

'But I'm back on full dose,' he finally said. 'And I still _goddamn_ -'

'Then we'll go higher,' Michael said confidently. 'As high as we can, as we need to go.'

'What if it doesn't help?'

Now Michael was quiet, thinking. 'Then we'll do what we can. But,' he continued, when Gavin opened his mouth to argue, '' _listen to me_. You're _still_ recovering. Don't you think we see it? Each day, unless something outright happens and sets you back, you're better. A little livelier. A little brighter. And that sounds corny as fuck but come _on_ , Gavin, don't string yourself up just because you have setbacks.'

'It's different.'

'It's _not._ You wouldn't believe that if it was the other way around, would you?' Michael pushed. 'If it was me, like this? Say something happened.' He felt Gavin tense at the words. 'Say I was in a car accident, and both my legs were broken. Say I had to recover, and it took a long time. Say every day, I took a step further. That's improvement, right?'

'But-'

'Shut up. It's improvement, right. Now say, on some of those days, I tripped. I tripped and landed on my ass. I didn't do any major damage, it hurt a bit, maybe pushed my healing back a little. You wouldn't sit there and say "you're fucked. You tripped. You're not recovering at all." Despite the fact that on the days I don't trip, and maybe for a few days afterwards, I still take an extra step each day.'

Gavin buried his face into Michael's chest and clung to him, breathing in his words like they were all he had.

'Because it's not tripping that's the problem. It's not my legs that break each time I fall, it's my confidence. I think that because I trip every now and then, I'm not actually getting anywhere.'

He sat up a little straighter and repositioned Gavin so he was lying propped up against him, between his legs, head against his chest so he could breathe to the sound of Michael's heart.

'And say I didn't quite make it a step each day. Say it was smaller than that. Not as obvious to me, or in the short term, but in the long run it's like I'm taking fucking flying leaps.' He watched Gavin as he spoke, ran his hand through his hair. 'Because that's the issue here. It's not as obvious. Sometimes it's hard to get the fuck out of bed, I know, but you're recovering. You just need to look at yourself a month ago and you can see that. Do you understand me?'

A nod, barely perceptible.

'Good. So you're going to get your ass out of bed tomorrow and come back to work, aren't you?'

'What if...' It went unsaid.

'Then we'll try again the next day, if that's what you want. If you can't get past it, then I bet you a thousand bucks Geoff will kick somebody else out of their office and take over that. Just so you can have somewhere good to be, that doesn't fuck with you.'

'What if I don't want to go tomorrow?'

Michael huffed a laugh. 'Now you're just looking for me to baby you. You know I'd stay, Geoff would stay if you wanted. Fuck, we could bring work to you. You know that, you baby.'

'You're a baby,' Gavin muttered into his chest, but Michael could feel him smiling.

'Look, honestly... I might not even be able to fucking say this with any degree of truth, but I think you'll do better tomorrow. You might expect it, which can... be good or bad, I guess, but you'll be prepared, and it won't take you by surprise. And shit, you know we'll bring you right home, and we'll take care of you.'

Michael tilted his head back to meet Gavin's eyes in the darkness. 'We'll always take care of you. Just promise me one thing,' he said.

When Gavin didn't respond, wary, Michael continued anyway. 'Promise me it. Tell me you won't be afraid to ask for help if you need it. Because I _see_ you trying to hide it. I _know_ that stupid fake laugh you give when something's fucked you up but you don't want to admit it. I can tell when you're shaken up but you try and ignore it, but you _can't_ keep doing that.'

He was talking quickly, voice low, eyes focused right on Gavin, trying to express the seriousness of his words.

'Promise me you won't keep doing that.'

Gavin didn't look away, just breathed out quietly and nodded. 'I promise.'

'You'll get better,' Michael insisted. 'And if you don't, we're here, okay? But you will. You'll get better.'

'I'll get better,' Gavin repeated, but he smiled.

'I love you.'

'I-'

He broke off and stared at him.

'I mean it,' Michael insisted, raising their entwined hands for emphasis. 'No matter fucking what. If you can't say it back, that's fine. But, if after all this, you doubt that, then there's a problem.'

'I,' he began, hesitantly, but the rush of nerves that first ran over him were immediately swallowed in the reminder that this was Michael.

Michael.

He expelled the air he hadn't even known he'd been holding and with it, _'I love you_ ,' and it was choked, almost a sob, but the only thing that overshadowed the conviction he felt in saying it was the way Michael's eyes lit up, the way he started to smile, a slow tug of the lips that suddenly burst into a delighted grin that seemed to light up the room.

And suddenly Gavin felt like it didn't matter that much if he didn't recover completely. Because it wasn't the end for him. He had support, he had understanding, and he had Michael. Michael was here.

When their lips met, it felt like home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> holy shit. This has been the biggest rollercoaster of a story! But I'm so glad i stuck with it through to the end because it was worth it. And just -- everyone along the way and those who will come who offered support and comments and kudos or even just reads the fucking thing are in my heart forever. 
> 
> EDIT: realised the chapters didn't update to broadcast that it was the final chapter. but that's it, this is it! altho quite a few of you will miss this, thank you again! there probably won't be an epilogue (which i was debating over) because i ended the story exactly how i wanted it - open, filled with hope, but not the promise of a perfect recovery. 
> 
> Thank you again. and I guess, well,
> 
> story wise, following this, I'm hopefully moving on to bigger and better things.
> 
> \---
> 
> find me at ragamuffiin on tumblr.

**Author's Note:**

> but really feedback would be fantastic rn
> 
> art courtesy of spontaneoushuman !


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